Why You Should Let Your Passion Die
by Scott JeffreyLet your passion die? But you’re supposed to live with passion, aren’t you?
I began my journey in personal development at 18. I became obsessed with Tony Robbins’ seminars and audio programs.
He ended each one by saying, “Live with passion.”
Many of us seek passion in our work, relationships, and life itself. Being passionate is a sign of success for most of us.
The long-term effects of seeking passion if you’re paying attention, however, aren’t impressive.
Seeking passion in a relationship leads to divorce.
Passion in work leads to burnout.
And pursuing passion in life itself leads to a general sense of meaninglessness.
Why? What’s going on here? And what’s the alternative to passion that can provide us with what we’re really looking for?
Table of Contents
- The Program Called Passion
- How the Passion Program Gets Installed
- What’s Behind the Drive for Passion and Excitement?
- How Do You Overcome the Drive for Passion?
- What’s the alternative to passion?
- How to Adopt the Middle Way?
- Should You Kill Your Passion?
- How do you accomplish more by doing less?
- What Do You Think?
The Program Called Passion
Passion is a lot like excitement. We expect to be excited about our work, for example.
And while we might have both passion and excitement when we start a new job or a new business venture, these emotions don’t last.
Our emotions often swing to the opposite pole. The result is that we become disinterested, uninspired, or depressed.
The same goes for relationships: we are passionate and excited about our partner in the early stages, but that passion is short-lived.
It all comes down to a belief—a basic program running in our internal operating system.
The program says you’re supposed to live with passion and be excited about life.
This program isn’t running in everyone’s mind. Certain cultures have it more than others. It seems most pervasive in American culture.
How the Passion Program Gets Installed
Our parents install this program when we’re infants.
They get us excited about eating certain foods or receiving presents on birthdays and holidays.
Parents assume that when their children are excited, they’re doing a good job as parents.
They don’t realize they were installing a program in the child’s brain that leads to unnecessary suffering.
If you believe you’re supposed to feel passion and excitement about your work and relationships, you will be unhappy when it dwindles.
You’ll think something’s wrong. You may try to rekindle your passion. It might even work temporarily, but then it’s gone again.
The problem, however, isn’t the loss of passion and excitement.
The issue is we believe these emotions are desirable.
What’s Behind the Drive for Passion and Excitement?
The core reason we seek passion and excitement is fear. This fear lies beyond our awareness; we are mostly unconscious of it.
However, this fear influences our behaviors, actions, and decisions.
Let’s examine this fear. By bringing this fear to our awareness, it will have less influence on our mindset and behavior.
The fear behind passion has at least three expressions:
Fear of Boredom
Our brains seem to crave stimulation. Thanks to television and video games, children have become accustomed to a constant stream of stimulation.
It’s as if we’re all adrenaline junkies now. The challenge is that instead of appeasing our desires, stimulation increases our appetite for them.
Without constant stimulation, we’re bored. And we all have an aversion to boredom.
Ultimately, the problem here is that we haven’t learned how to transmute our internal energy.
Fear of Laziness
We’re terrified of our lazy part. We know how easy it is to lose our motivation.
If we don’t have passion or excitement, we fear our lazy part will dominate us.
Then, we will lose our drive to work and be productive members of society.
The problem here is that we haven’t learned how to make friends with our lazy part.
Fear of Meaninglessness
This existential fear is deeply rooted. Some people can connect to this fear; others can not.
But because we fear that our lives have no meaning, a lack of excitement can trigger a sense of inner angst and despair.
We do anything to avoid these feelings.
Most often, the problem here is that we have aborted our self-actualization and have stepped off our growth path.
These three fears drive us to seek passion and excitement—even happiness.
Ultimately, if we’re honest, this drive brings us the opposite of what we want.
How Do You Overcome the Drive for Passion?
If passion isn’t the answer, what’s the alternative?
First, we need to accept these fears that drive us to seek passion.
Is boredom so horrible? When was the last time you allowed yourself to be bored and dispassionate?
If you go through the initial discomfort, you’ll discover a sense of peace and contentment few of us ever experience.
We avoid laziness too. Do you ever allow yourself to be lazy without any shame or guilt?
If you’re committed to personal development, it’s not usually an easy task.
Your parents, teachers, and the entire self-improvement industry have shamed our lazy part.
But it’s just a part of us. If you allow it to be, it will let go.
Our fear of meaninglessness is rooted in a reality that existential philosophers like Friedrich Nietzsche articulated over a century ago.
To summarize: there is no grand universal meaning. You create your meaning. We all make it up. Meaninglessness is only a problem if you perceive it to be one.
For further guidance, I recommend Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (audiobook).
What’s the alternative to passion?
Modern people aren’t the first ones to wrestle with passion and stimulation.
In antiquity, great thinkers like Aristotle and Confucius sought to define the “Good life.”
Four fundamental virtues arose in ancient Greece, Rome, India, and China:
- Justice
- Courage
- Wisdom
- Moderation
While these four virtues are interconnected, the solution to passion, excitement, and stimulation is moderation.
The virtue of moderation means doing nothing in excess; nothing carried to extremes; nothing pushed so far it becomes harmful to ourselves or others.
In Buddhism, this is called the Middle Way.
In the Middle Way, we aren’t pulled by attraction or pushed by aversion.
We avoid excessiveness and scarcity. I tend to call it the Center.
How to Adopt the Middle Way?
Take a current project like your business, a creative endeavor, or a new skill you’re developing.
If this project is new, you may feel passion or excitement. You might stay up late and get up early to work on it.
Eventually, however, you hit an obstacle. On the path of mastery, this is called a plateau.
Your momentum comes to a halt. Apathy might set in.
You get discouraged, which leads to procrastination and distraction to avoid boredom.
Visualize a continuum with boredom/laziness at the far left and passion/excitement at the far right.
What’s in the middle?
Moderation and steadiness are the anecdotes to passion. Moderation allows you to abide in the Middle Way each day without needing a “high” to keep you going.
In your Center, you aren’t passionate or excited; you’re neutral, calm, alert, and clear. You are active and ready, not anxious or hyper.
From this space, slowly and incrementally, you can achieve anything. You can realize your potential.
I know, it’s not sexy. But it works. And it’s sustainable through the course of your life.
Should You Kill Your Passion?
Of course not. When passion arises, ride it like a wave.
Just know that it’s fleeting; don’t expect it to last.
This way, when the wave dissipates, you’re not left out at sea without an engine.
The engine is in you, moving slowly and steadily toward whatever your aim may be.
If you place your awareness on what you’re doing at the moment, you don’t need passion.
Become more curious. Pay closer attention to what’s going on, inside and out.
That’s how to cultivate a sustainable source of fuel within you.
How do you accomplish more by doing less?
Did you ever hear you should give 110% of your effort? This is a harmful idea.
You can’t give 110% without depleting yourself. It’s unsustainable.
In Qigong, an ancient system for cultivating energy in the body, they teach the principle of moderation.
You’re instructed to perform various exercises at 70% of your capacity.
Why? Because trying too hard creates internal tension.
Exercising at 70% enables you to focus and make purposeful movements without tensing your muscles.
This principle enables Qigong practitioners to maintain their health into old age without burnout, disease, or pain we associate with aging.
For inspiration, check out this two-minute video of a 118-year-old grandmaster performing an internal martial art called Bagua.
So consider this:
How can you apply the principle of moderation to your life, work, and relationships right now?
What Do You Think?
Leave your thoughts, comments, and questions below.
To keep things in perspective, I can say no to overtime, schedule time for all my interests (not just my passion), and keep a running list of what I’m grateful for (for when passion subsides or times I don’t seem to be making progress).
Yes, Justin, those are all things you can do. The question is: when the passion subsides, can you genuinely *feel* grateful? That’s the real trick.
Dear Scott,
I wrote to you, time ago about this matter.We are all fishermen in a boat. Our passions start like a breeze and can end in storms, that’s what it’s all about. The word “passion” implies pain and suffering in its terminology. Pain we cannot avoid, it is part of life. I think that the way to “moderate” the passions is missing in your considerations and this is only possible knowing who, what we are. It is interesting to know other solutions, mystical, unknown, thank you very much for spreading them. The solution is in us, in what we know, in what they preach to us only if we have the structure to analyze what is correct. That is what is missing in our world. And the solution that I found was because of living a great passion.
Thank you!
I love it!
You really described everything that has been moving inside me in clear, still moments lately. The word gentle has been coming to me all the time. When I feel myself speed up and try to “get somewhere”, I hear my soul whispering “gentle”.
I’m learning to ride all the waves, not get attached to them because of the ideas I have created around them and the meanings I have given them.
I want all parts of me to be cared after and seen.
Gentle is one of the messages the Self often whispers, Julia. Slow and steady can be two others. Riding the waves without attachment sums up what’s happening when we’re not striving for passion and stimulation.
I feel this too Julia. Mine feels like a “hold back”…I’ll feel the old pattern of my energy rushing, speeding up and then feel the “hold back or pull back.” It feels very different, more sustainable, mature and powerful. Like the turtle who finishes the race rather than the hare who burns out partway through.
Scott, I am grateful for your perspective. Your articles are are thought-provoking, “deep” and written in a way that makes them easy to grasp. Keep up the good work. You’re making a difference!
Thank you, Michael.
Hi Scott, another great piece of wisdom from you! I m one of those people who needs constant excitement to get me going and if that excitement is not there it feels like I m not ‘living’. And when I feel lazy or bored I feel bad about it! Its like I constantly feel the need to ‘be’ or ‘do’ something to feel life has a meaning. So your piece was extremely thought provoking and its something I ll need to reflect upon for sure. Thank you for sharing. Serena
Sure thing, Serena. My sense is that these patterns operate in all of us (to varying degrees). It mainly depends on how much inner honesty and self-awareness we have to become conscious of these patterns and the hidden drives behind them.
Instead of trying to change anything, I find it helpful to simply just pay attention to what’s going on “behind the scenes.” When you feel bad about being lazy or bored, for example, listen to what the voice in your mind or thoughts are saying. It can be insightful.
Thank you my friend. 🙏
You are most welcome, Jared.
Thank you for articulating this subject so well. Accepting mundanity and banality in life allows us to stay more present and centred. Being present is a gift we give ourselves and our family and our work environment. Deeper connections are formed by being present and ultimately that’s what each individual is looking for.
That’s true, but our unconscious is tricky, Shonali. If you call it “mundane” or “banal,” you will find an internal revolt again staying present.
With curiosity and neutrality, new wonders open it. Vividness. Aliveness. Alertness. While it may be mundane from the standpoint of a mind overstimulated by the digital world, it can still be quite marvelous.
Brilliant! Resonates with me. I’m passionate about pleasure. Ha ha ha. I live for connection with the Qi, the All. Is that guy really 118? Time for Qigong.
Thanks, Sam. I hear you on the pleasure front.
Yes, I believe he passed away at age 118. Apparently, if we didn’t live the way we currently do, we could all live well past 100.
If you are in the pursuit of passion it is because you fo not have it. Emotion is what makes us (e)move. Emotions comes before thoughts. When we are caught by those good emotions we will dream something good and define some grandiose goals. Being passionate is not a prison, might be some freedom at that particular moment.,
Marcos, I find your comment difficult to interpret. If you’re referring to the old adage “emotion creates motion” used in the personal development field, this sentiment is important only if you’re stuck in lethargy or apathy. This article, however, is addressing something much deeper than this idea.
Also, the article didn’t state that passion was a prison. It suggests that the pursuit of passion leads to suffering. Whether or not this idea will resonate with you may depend on various factors like your age, experience, degree of self-honesty, and self-reflective abilities.
I have a tendency towards passionate behaviors/ideologies/whatever other noun fits here. I have also experienced relatively severe burn out, and being a single person, living alone, attempting a freelance/entrepreneur lifestyle, I did not have the option to quit. I needed to read this SO BAD. and honestly, Scott, I consider myself one of your biggest fans, but I was skeptical about this read. But wow, it hit me hard. I had a moment not too long ago (and several other fleeting), where I was briefly in the center/middle way. That feeling is gold. I hope to soon figure out how to mostly stay there. I feel optimistic about all the hard work I’ve been doing, but is there truly an easy road in any choice?
One thing to keep in mind, Melanie, is that most of us have a Sadist within us that wants to make the road difficult. We need to “work hard” and “earn it.” That is, this part won’t let us “just be” in the Center.
The Center is available at any moment. The challenge is that the conscious mind wants to “get there” while it’s already “here.” In this way, you have to find a way to navigate around, beneath or above the mind, to abide in the Center.
The Qigong way, for example, is to “sink your mind into your body.”
Thank you, Scott, for this timely article. A friend told me the other day that I’m “too intense” and take everything far too seriously, and “overthink things”. She is not the first to tell me this and I am well aware of how I deal with life. I have an intense fear of wasting the time I have left in this existence, with pointless activity. I am able to take things easy and relax as I am often urged to do, but only in my way. Rather than go shoe shopping with friends (to them relaxing, to me incredibly stressful) I would rather go for a walk in the woods by myself. But I take your point. I will think about the middle way on my five-mile before-breakfast “get-in-touch-with-my-angels” walk in the woods – or should I just stay in bed and do it?
The activity itself is less in important that the conscious state you’re in during the activity, Jennie. (Although I have a preference to the woods as well.)
You can be in the Center while walking through a mall or you can neurotically walk in the woods. If the mind is unstable — if it’s seeking excitement or stimulation — it kind of doesn’t matter where you are because something else is possessing you.
Thanks Scott – all I seek is peace and quiet and I find chaotic environments – well… chaotic ;)
This really flies in the face of what we have been conditioned to do. I have always said what brought my business startups success is the fact we always outworked the competition. Maybe not.
Gary, what you say is probably true. Achievement in this world most often comes through sheer will and a lot of force.
But that’s also why so many entrepreneurs burn out; it’s simply unsustainable. The reason the conditioning for passion is so strong is that it works — in the short run…
Passion is what ignites the spark but beyond that you need to find purpose and meaning and then it’s going to take discipline. Gratitude and healthy boundaries between all that you do to ensure that you are 100% focused on the right things in the right moments. Work, Creative pursuits projects and interests, family, spiritual life etc. should not bleed over into each other. There’s a time for everything to have your undivided attention…
I agree, Barry.
Hmmm. Never thought of it this way. Could be helpful.
Time and reflection will tell …
Scott:
I am 73.
I believe (without knowing) I have lived a middle way life better and better over time.
How do I get those around me who love and support me (wife, children. grandchildren, relatives, friends, social and business contacts) to foster my middle way of life (or change theirs to more middle way)?
Dennis:
The short answer is: you can’t.
But more accurately, the only way to truly influence others is by “being it.”
Those closest to us are a reflection of us. So if your wife, for example, is out of her Center, there’s a good chance you’re a contributing factor.
Often times we think we’re in the middle, but that feeling is coming at the cost of subconsciously dumping certain attributes and emotions onto others. I’m not suggesting this is what you’re doing, but its the norm in terms of how our psyches operate.
Liberating! Liberating indeed. As an OCD/”Type A” Personality to the core and since Day One, nothing has proved as freeing as the thoughts presented here. THANK YOU! The philosophy Scott shares is for me truly life changing. Much appreciated, for sure!
Great to hear you found the article liberating, Peter!
Great insights Scott and really benefit and enjoy reading your articles. Keep it up, it is creating impact.
Thank you for the feedback, Sean.
Another awesome article Scott! Love your work. The mindset of trying to find my passion has resulted in a lot of negativity and not a lot of progress. This article reminds me of the message in the book “So Good They Cant Ignore You.” The book suggests acquiring rare and valuable skills rather than chasing your passions.
Thanks Matt.
That idea from the book is consistent with Martin Seligman’s research on authentic happiness.
But “acquiring rare and valuable skills” seems to imply that you’re doing what you’re doing to advance your career. (That is, extrinsic motivation instead of intrinsic motivation.)
In the context of fulfillment, it would be more supportive to simply follow your interests.
Scott,
I appreciate this post so much. I think without even consciously noticing, I’ve been getting trapped in states of meaninglessness, fear and self-criticism when I am passionless, when you are in fact right; passion is unsustainable and really is just a passing wave we should enjoy but not depend on. Thank you so much for this insight!
Sure thing, Veronica.
We tend to cling to the highs and run from the lows. Attraction and aversion — this is what creates our continuous suffering. The more you can observe both sides without clinging, the more “okayness” you can experience.
I’ve been using the word passion incorrectly then, I always saw it as.. to do something with passion.. Like putting my heart into something. When there is joy, the energy is different and the job becomes effortless. I guess also like excitement vs enthusiasm, happy vs contented. I suppose when there is too much unnecessary energy behind the emotion, it would wear one down. The trouble with words, is they can mean different things to different people, according to their experience. Thanks Scott, your writings create awareness.
Sure thing, Patsy.
I understand what you’re saying. I guess the question it brings up is: if you need joy to complete a task without effort, what happens when you can’t access joy?
The value of the middle way is that you move beyond the strong influence of positive and negative emotions to guide your actions.
I woke this morning asking myself why I just do not have the same drive about my business. After reading this article I now understand and I actually feel more excited. By letting go of striving and self criticism I can in fact be more! Live more and have the energy to love more. Thank you.
Heather
What if one is stuck at the other end.. not just lazy/bored but worse.. lethargy/apathy? How can one shift out of that without using external stimulus? As you pointed out, that excitement is short lived. But when one is stuck in the swamp, how can one generate some internal revs to even move to moderation? It seems easier to come down from excitement to calm and steady. But how does one rise up from inactivity?
When we stabilize in the “low,” it’s usually because we’ve established a pattern that continues to reinforce it. Depression and apathy then become a downward spiral.
Generally speaking, when any negative emotions persist it’s because we’re resisting it. For example, you don’t want to be lethargic or apathetic. (It’s “bad” to be feeling that way.) Perhaps you hate feeling lethargic or apathetic. One of the great lessons for understanding how the psych works is that what you resist persists and tends to grow stronger.
As such, what would happen if you became “okay” with being lethargic and apathetic? What would happen if you even dove deeper into these feelings without any judgment or expectations of wanting things to be different? What might you discover then?
Can you explain further your first sentence – Established a pattern..
Meaning, when any negative emotional state becomes pervasive, it means that you’ve established patterns of behaviors that are reinforcing the state you’re in.
There are patterns of thoughts (rumination) and beliefs. Patterns of activities. Patterns of media consumption. Patterns of eating. Patterns of judgment. And so on.
Often times, you can change the state you’re stuck in simply by changing the pattern.
For example, if you’re feeling lethargic for a long time, you can take a cold shower. (This doesn’t address the underlying issue, but it can help break the pattern.)
Also, Patsy, lethargy and apathy can result from biological and environmental factors as well (e.g. geoengineering, a build-up of heavy metals, nanotoxicity, mineral deficiency, pH imbalance, nutritional or hormonal imbalance, energetic stagnation). So there are a lot of factors to consider. Things like kidney, liver, colon, and/or blood detoxes can sometimes reset things internally.
A great idea indeed. I agree totally that passion is a necessary part of our active life but it is somehow fleeting. Hence the middle way – moderation- enables us to live sustainably into old age.
I am so grateful for this article because moderation is something I have only recently learned to see the value of. Truthfully I have enjoyed the high that comes from striving, being future-focussed, fully committed towards future goals. But lately I’ve recognized a pattern in me. I pick myself up and hussle only to later collapse and burnout. These ups and downs are getting me nowhere and are completely unsustainable. I’m excited about this new middle ground and a bit embarrased that although I’ve been centering every morning for years, I’ve obviously been losing my center during the day when it matters most.
We’ve been socially and culturally conditioned to seek out and “ride the high.” So we have an unconscious bias toward striving and excitement. It means we’re ambitious and that we’re moving toward “achievement.”
We just don’t see the game we’re playing with ourselves. Without interrupting consciousness and clearly observing what’s going on, this old conditioning persists.