Why You Should Stop Being a Good Person
by Scott Jeffrey“You’re such a good boy, Daniel.”
“Sarah, that was a nice thing you did. You’re a sweetheart.”
Did you hear phrases like this when you were younger?
If you’re a parent, have you said something similar to your child? This form of praising starts in early childhood. Our parents, family members, and teachers innocently install it in us (as the prior generation did to them).
“Good boy/girl” praising gives children a sense of pride and approval from their parents. This praising gets anchored into the child’s mind.
Good behavior brings reward. Expressing negative emotions and unacceptable behavior (“being bad”) leads to disapproval or punishment.
Table of Contents
- Sit Down, Sit Up Straight, and Mind Your Manners
- The Mind’s Wondrous Capacity for Self-Deception
- How Good Intentions Turn into Poor Behavior
- The Good Person Program Always Turns Bad
- What Happens When You Free Yourself of This Erroneous Belief
- The Good Person Litmus Test
- How to Dismantle the Good Person Program
- The Vital Transition from “Good” to Whole
- What Do You Think?
Sit Down, Sit Up Straight, and Mind Your Manners
All parents want well-behaved children. Yet, all children misbehave. The good boy/girl program is a tool parents use to inhibit misbehavior.
Although it works to a degree, as we’ll see, this belief in pure goodness hinders the individual’s psychological development into mature adulthood.
We all have a complete range of emotions and impulses—positive to negative. And we each possess the capacity for love and hate, peace and anger, joy and depression.
Sure, we would prefer to experience only love, peace, and joy. But these qualities always come with their opposite.
In early childhood, we lack the ability to repress this emotional energy. When parents instruct their children to be “good boys and girls” they’re forcing them to push down negative emotions and impulses their environment doesn’t accept.
This repression creates what analytic psychology calls a shadow. Children then drag this bag of repressed emotions, qualities, and impulses behind them into adulthood.
The Mind’s Wondrous Capacity for Self-Deception
Psychology is beginning to understand the role of the unconscious mind.1Bargh JA, Morsella E. The Unconscious Mind. Perspect Psychol Sci. 2008;3(1):73-9. Studies show most of human behavior is unconscious.
Consider what this means: we’re not aware of what’s motivating most of our actions, thoughts, and decisions.
As an example, take Kathleen Vohs’ research on money priming.2https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26214169 If someone dropped a box of pencils as you walked by, would you help pick them up?
Vohs ran experiments to see how exposure to money (in this case, Monopoly money from the board game) affects people’s behavior.
She found that when people were “primed” with Monopoly money, they picked up fewer pencils than when they weren’t exposed to money.
No way, you might exclaim. YOU might be unaware of your behavior. But I know what I’m doing and why I do it!
The human mind’s capacity for self-deception is infinite. People who believe in pure goodness are capable of the most unscrupulous evils.
How Good Intentions Turn into Poor Behavior
Outside of our awareness, our lesser qualities express themselves through our unconscious behavior.
Parents, for example, who believe they love their children unconditionally are often unaware of their repressed hatred toward them.
This hatred influences the parent’s behavior and the child’s well-being.
When parents spoil their children, for instance, they encourage selfishness and narcissistic tendencies.
No parent would consciously choose to spoil their children; spoiled children are annoying to be around and these children struggle more when they reach adulthood.
And yet most parents and grandparents spoil their children in varying ways. Why?
Parents spoil their children largely because of unconscious guilt.
They spoil not out of love, but because they fail to admit their feelings of hatred toward their children. (“I would never hate my child.”)
Instead, they feel good about pleasing their children without concern for the long-term consequences of their children’s development or well-being.
It’s why the proverb says, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
In identifying yourself as a “good person,” you will consciously try to do only good for yourself and others.
But your shadow side—all the unowned and unrecognized stuff in your psyche—finds a way of expressing itself whether you want it to or not.
The Good Person Program Always Turns Bad
Psychiatrist Carl Jung is often quoted saying, “I’d rather be whole than good.”
Individuals integrating their darker parts know about their “less-than-good” tendencies. They have a choice in how they respond to their environment.
Those who perceive themselves to be purely “good people,” lack this choice. They often behave poorly while believing they act in the highest good.
When you ignore the feelings of hatred, for example, it often expresses itself without your awareness.
You might shame someone with a quick glance of disapproval.
Or, you might reject someone by avoiding eye contact. It may be subtle, but on a subconscious level, the recipient will feel the emotional message.
If you acknowledge and welcome the emotion of hatred, you can release it.
Then, you can communicate with love or neutrality.
If you ignore or deny the emotion, the feeling will express itself through you.
Trying to be a good person at all times is the surest route to depression and anxiety.
Why? Because when we repress parts of what we are, those parts find ways to hijack our psyche.
What we resist, grows stronger.
What Happens When You Free Yourself of This Erroneous Belief
In letting go of the idea that you have to be a good person, you liberate yourself.
Now, you can acknowledge and integrate different aspects of yourself you previously denied.
Doing so frees up a tremendous amount of creative energy you can direct towards your interests and dreams.
It can also help heal your body, for the majority of our illnesses are caused by repressed emotions.
Traditional Chinese Medicine and ancient Taoist practices like Qigong are built on this understanding.
A few Western medical pioneers like Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, demonstrate this too.
Also, when you free yourself of this belief, your capacity to accept others will increase.
As you observe your unconscious motivations, you’ll be more understanding of the behaviors of others.
The Good Person Litmus Test
The goal, as I see it, is total acceptance of yourself as you are.
In my process, I’ve found the “good person” programming to be formidable. As an only child, I was often praised, usually without merit.
When I peer past all the false ideas of pure goodness, I often encounter resistance.
But through continual self-reflection on my motives and behavior, I begin to see a less flattering, but more accurate reality of my personality.
To evaluate if you’re running the “good person” program, consider these questions:
- Are you aware of the negative emotions that arise throughout the day?
- Do you believe it’s wrong to feel hatred towards the people you’re supposed to love?
- When you witness “poor behavior” in others (dishonesty, judgment, deception), to you acknowledge those same impulses within yourself?
- Are you aware of frequent feelings of envy and jealousy?
- Do you see yourself as a good person without accepting the darker parts of your personality?
Be honest. This is between you and you.
How to Dismantle the Good Person Program
First, realize that “I’m a good person,” is just a belief. Evaluate for yourself if this idea serves you.
If you weren’t praised as a child, this belief wouldn’t even be in your mental model and this discussion would be meaningless.
That is, in the beginning, you didn’t choose to have this belief about goodness.
Second, if you determine this idea doesn’t serve you anymore, let it go. It’s just an idea, a program someone gave you. It means nothing.
Third, consider a concept that might be more inclusive, like I am a whole being. I accept myself, including the darker parts.
Accept that we are complex beings with opposing tensions within us. It’s okay to hate your children, family, and friends at times; it doesn’t mean you don’t also love them.
As Jungian Robert Johnson writes in his classic He:
It seems that it is the purpose of evolution now to replace an image of perfection with the concept of completeness or wholeness. Perfection suggests something all pure, with no blemishes, dark spots, or questionable areas. Wholeness includes the darkness but combines it with the light elements into a totality more real and whole than any ideal.
Fourth, watch your emotions and thoughts throughout the day, especially your interaction with others.
The Vital Transition from “Good” to Whole
The reason self-deception is so common is that most of us lack the self-awareness to catch all of our “darker” thoughts and impulses and the self-honesty to admit them.
To assist you with this process, it’s important to develop self-observation skills. It will give you space between you and your unconscious impulses and feelings.
Shadow work exercises allow you to get to know and befriend your darker parts.
If you’re a dreamer, can you imagine a world where everyone owns his or her inner demons?
How much family tension would instantly unravel?
What would happen to the divorce rate?
Would there be war?
When someone asked Jung if World War III was inevitable, he said, “Such a war could only be avoided if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves.”
What Do You Think?
Leave your thought and comments about being a good person in below.
A blueprint for personal growth. Many thanks for your insights and wisdom, Scott.
You’re most welcome. Thanks for your comment, Werner.
Great observations. I would like to hear more about the line of demarcation between shadow impulses/thoughts and shadow acts. Hitler and the like aside, children may express shadow actions. How does Jung propose we properly respond to shadow actions?
Thank you, Garret. By “shadow actions,” do you mean doing something that’s “bad” (that’s inconsistent with your identity or doing something that you’re not aware that you’re doing?
Children’s actions are largely a result of their observations. They absorb the unconscious behaviors of their parents, for example, and then reflect these behaviors back to their parents through their actions.
We should have been taught this in school in order to take care of our selves correctly but I am grateful I’ve learned it now.
I’ve often felt the same way, Christina. There’s an unfortunate reason why we’re not taught this in school, however. When you don’t understand this distinction, it’s easy for “authorities” to manipulate and control you. Shame and guilt become a tool for manipulation.
Your philosophical approach while well outside traditional good bad, right wrong teachings or practices, is in line with far eastern philosophies. The key to which primarily is “balance”. Which you somewhat implied but did not mention. The one thing that stuck out to me was the use if not over use of the word hate and/or concept of it. While I’m sure some people hate “parenthood”, I find it difficult to rationalize or except people actually
“hating” children. Much less they’re own.
Basically I disagree with anything synonymous hatred. If there’s one thing that will lead one to hell,, it’s hatred.
I try to stay away from the word “balance” because it seems too ambiguous and subjective to me. (Think “work-life balance”.)
I used to have a similar attitude as you toward hatred, but after years of getting to know my shadow, I now find it this aversion toward hatred problematic.
From my experience, for what it’s worth, repressing hatred causes more damage than anything else. (For this reason alone, most people are disconnected from their shadow.)
Hatred doesn’t lead to hell. Repressed hatred leads to a hellish experience.
We are taught not to hate — usually by those harboring their own subconscious hatred. And so this hatred grows in us. The more you come to understanding and integrate your unconscious (and open your pineal), the more you may also see that hatred runs through us — like it or not.
Denying anything in us makes it grow stronger. Getting to know these parts and expressing them in non-destructive ways leads to greater “balance.”
And in terms of a parent feeling hatred towards his/her child (who largely represents a projection of something from within the parent):
You might need to ask yourself: If it was true, and you could easily observe this reality, would you be open and willing to seeing it? (And it’s okay if the honest answer is “no.)”
Perhaps hatred is too strong a word for some, and dislike may be easier to relate to.
Indeed, that’s true. But here’s the thing: for those who find hatred to be too strong a word, it is hatred that festers in their unconscious.
Many of us were told and conditioned by our parents not to use the word “hate” when we were going up. And as a consequence, these individuals have deeper reservoirs of rage and aggression flowing through them. Sadly, this is how the psyche works.
When we deny a word like hate, we repress it. And whatever we repress, grows stronger …
I used to think that I was good and tried my best to please everybody….until I was bullied at work.Then I stopped pleasing everybody,said no to everything that was not required in my work,hated the bully openly and my life changed and so did the school as there was no more food garden,no more eco club,no more free transport or me bringing in personal equipment to repair things etc.I went home early every day,got my work in on time and became super happy and relaxed.I quit that job last year as it was draining my energy and made a career as well as a new country move as I had freed my mind and myself.I am not the nice person anymore,but professional and accurate,especially when it comes to time and I start and knock off on the dot.I dont even donate my time to others….pay me overtime if you want me to work longer.I have future dreams again and not nightmares and I look forward to new future challenges and no one gets in my way.Wish I had done this earlier in life.
That’s awesome, Natascha. Sounds like you owned your warrior energy — instead of succumbing to the bully or the wimp.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
This is again an excellent article. I love reading your articles as they are thought-provoking, action-oriented, always including great questions for self-reflection and with enough links to further study the big journey to Mature. I believe the theme of this one hits a very basic obstacle for us to spiritually grow. Our attempts to be „good“ contain most likely feelings of shame and guilt, as we believe to be „bad“ or to use the Christian term we are „Sinners“. I struggled with this theme for the last years and I am just now starting to accept myself more the way I am, really appreciating the discovery of shadows as a way of coming to know myself better. It is a conscious turning inward. I appreciate your articles on my Journey. Would love to see a big web of all your articles! Keep on. Thank you.
Thanks for the comments, Margarita. Indeed, shame and guilt are intrinsically linked to this idea of goodness. In fact, shame and guilt are the fuel behind the “good person program.”
If you “behave,” then you’re good. If you misbehave, then you’re a Sinner. And being a Sinner is bad, so it evokes shame and guilt that are either felt consciously or repressed.
In a close study of Western religions, I’ve come to see that shame and guilt are largely a byproduct, if not a creation, of Western monotheistic religions. It is likely that they were tools used to control the masses. And now, they exist within our psyche, so we can continue to run the same program — even if we don’t grow up with religion directly.
I was not praised when I was a kid-quite the opposite. I was a normal kid albeit sensitive and I was told I was bad and was verbally and physically abused. I coped by being as “good” as I could be.
Anita, so in your situation, your parent(s) expressed what other parents repressed. In this way, you may have less internal confusion than those who were praised often.
Someone who is praised has to come down from their inflation, usually into their deflation/ depression, until finally arriving in their Center (assuming they are doing inner work).
In the cases of external abuse that is still in memory, there’s usually more deflation to contend with.
But the “coping to being as ‘good’ as you can” is what almost all of us do as children. That’s why everyone has a shadow.
I would implore everyone to read The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters. The book explains why we think how we think, a logical explanation of the brain and mind. Once there is a scientific understanding of how the brain works, it is easier to work on the shadow.
I am in the beginning stages of my self exploration journey, and a virgin to this blog. I found this article interesting and had to read a few times to digest as I consciously and subconsciously teach my children good vs bad. If I were to transition out of this behavior help me understand what does it transition to for my children. If they have an emotional moment, currently I am correcting or suppressing the behavior. Is this suggesting that I don’t? If I do allow the behavior help me understand in very practical terms what that looks like. Very basic stuff like a 5 yr old snatching or not sharing.
Alisha, the key thing to understand as a parent is that our children are observing our behaviors and absorbing our psychic energy FAR more than they are processing our words.
So most of the battle is still an internal one: the more centered the parent, the more centered the child. The more unconscious and out of control the parent, the more possessed by various archetypes the child becomes.
From this context, it’s not as much about what to say to your kids and more about internally monitoring yourself to observe what in you may be triggering certain behaviors in your kids.
And consider this: Is it okay not share? Is it okay to be greedy?
Your child learned not to share from someone in his or her environment. (We all do — subtlely at home or not-so-subtlely at school.) By forcing the child to share now, you’re demanding the child repress rage in their unconscious (which will store up in their body over time).
What if the only way to arrive at authentic generosity is to fully express our greediness first?
And what if few of us ever experience this authentic generosity as adults because we weren’t allowed to express this greediness as children?
As I mentioned in another comment response: what we resist, grows stronger.
Good stuff, thanks
You’re welcome, Joe!
Good article. I realize that there is a lot to deal with as a parent for my children to be whole rather than good boys or girls.
That’s true, Constance. The challenge is that we don’t understand the level of our own fragmentation and so we necessarily create the same divide in our children. But we can begin to stop the cycle that goes on generation after generation by turning toward our inner life.
I’ve enjoyed a number of your articles and believe we share an uncommon amount of perspective and perception. Though Canadian, I lived in the US for 20+ years but have been working in and around Asia all my (educational) career. I was intrigued at why the East’s thinking processes, notions, and perspectives were completely opposite to the West’s. That got me studying dualisms, dipolar energy, the nature of personality and how it explicates through opposites, etc. This brought me into Jungian notions and others who based their paradigms on such. So finding your work has been serendipitous and meaningful. You have a gift to say simply what is profound. I just wrote a book on Narcissism and its Lovechild, Enmeshment, that explores so many notions I have now found in your writings as well. I would really like to submit this to you for your review … for I think we have a synergy that would be meaningful to explore.
Hi Perry, These types of synergies are always interesting to encounter. It’s as if we already know all of this material, but we are re-learning it again now (re-search, to search again).
Feel free to reach out to me via the contact link in the footer.
Excellent post! As an Inspirational speaker and coach I introduce this concept by talking about specialness, as it manifests as self-importance or self-unimportance. I demonstrate that they are sides of the same coin. I often utilize the Taijitu as a symbol for those integration.
That’s a good point, Paula. Specialness is another consequence of praising. It creates an ego construct that wants to feel “better than” while secretly feeling “less than” — self-importance, and self-unimportance, as you say.
Well written! How ever some demons are hard to beat, even you know all about them.
Personally, I love self-analysis but sometimes it feels like you go too far and lose in the disbelief that you understand nothing. Maybe it’s just me. :)
Yes, I know what you mean, Laisvis. That’s why it’s important to be fully grounded when you do any type of self-analysis. We also need to be fully engaged in life too.
In terms of “beating demons,” this is a problematic concept — a remnant of various religious teachings. You don’t “beat a demon” as much as you integrate that impulse into your consciousness. In attempting to beat or dominate a “demon,” you are only making it stronger.
It’s always a pleasure to read your work Scott. Very elegant, insightful and readable pieces. And everything on Shadow Work is especially fascinating to me. I look forward to seeing more. All the best.
Thank you for your feedback, Nevena.
More to come!
I could not agree more. The past year of my life has involved deep, deep work in addressing my “shadow side” and learning to accept and allow “negative” emotions. It is very healing. Thank you for sharing this and for your work in helping people become whole. I share that mission.
That’s great to hear, Heidi. Thank you for posting your comments.
Thanks for all the wisdom, Scott. Your daily e-mails help me tremendously and each entry on your website makes me question more about myself and challenge me to grow.
You’re most welcome, Pîngă.
“Live the questions,” as poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote.
At one time or another most of us have felt like we have the archetypes of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. One person I know claims he could actually see these beings when he was small. Whether real or just perceived, would these influences be considered part of our shadow? Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the ‘devil’ 90% of the time? Would this change by doing shadow work or is conscious recognition in itself ‘shadow work’?
Can karmic debt be uncovered and removed by doing shadow work?
Hi Colleen. The shadow is a term used to describe everything in a person’s shadow to which they are not aware. If you see a devil in your reflection, and you don’t recognize it as a part of you, then yes, it represents an aspect of your shadow.
You asked, “Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the ‘devil’ 90% of the time?” I’m not sure I agree with this. Most people perceive themselves to be “good.” We might listen to the devil in us, but we generally don’t consider it to the “devil’s voice” in most cases. And it is for this reason that we listen to it.
Yes, only by getting to know one’s shadow and integrating these disowned aspects of us do have then have the choice of which voices to listen to and which ones to dialogue with.
As for karmic debt, to this I’m uncertain. Shadow work can bring a sense of guilt for our behavior to our conscious minds. Staying present with this guilt can perhaps remove a form of karmic debt, which ultimately represents running a similar pattern in the future.
Concerning my communication I often feel that I need to be a good person to not hurt other’s feelings. But I get mad when people hurt my feelings with what they say. Then i harbor a resentment.
I want to be more honest in expressing my emotions and not use snitty remarks or sarcasm to hide my anger.
I want to be my whole self in my communication and learn to express my emotions honestly even though it may hurt someone’s feelings.
Hi Sunny,
What you’re looking for is to learn how to be assertive. It is an essential component for mature adulthood that few of us master (I’m not one of them either).
Aggressiveness and passive-aggressiveness are two sides of the same coin. Assertiveness is in the middle.
Also, when you become more conscious of the archetypal patterns of behavior that operate within us, a greater understanding arises as to why we are constantly hurting each other and ourselves.
This reminds me of Winnicott’s false self – being good and nice for narcissistic parents, a mirror and extension of their needs and wishes) while the authentic self is hidden.
Hi Jo, I hadn’t heard of Winnicott before, but I just read up on his concept of True Self and False Self, and yes, it is very similar. The False Self, in the context here, is the Shadow. The True Self is what lies beyond it after the Shadow is integrated.