Why You Should Stop Being a Good Person
by Scott Jeffrey“You’re such a good boy, Daniel.”
“Sarah, that was a nice thing you did. You’re a sweetheart.”
Did you hear phrases like this when you were younger?
If you’re a parent, have you said something similar to your child? This form of praising starts in early childhood. Our parents, family members, and teachers innocently install it in us (as the prior generation did to them).
“Good boy/girl” praising gives children a sense of pride and approval from their parents. This praising gets anchored into the child’s mind.
Good behavior brings reward. Expressing negative emotions and unacceptable behavior (“being bad”) leads to disapproval or punishment.
Table of Contents
- Sit Down, Sit Up Straight, and Mind Your Manners
- The Mind’s Wondrous Capacity for Self-Deception
- How Good Intentions Turn into Poor Behavior
- The Good Person Program Always Turns Bad
- What Happens When You Free Yourself of This Erroneous Belief
- The Good Person Litmus Test
- How to Dismantle the Good Person Program
- The Vital Transition from “Good” to Whole
- What Do You Think?
Sit Down, Sit Up Straight, and Mind Your Manners
All parents want well-behaved children. Yet, all children misbehave. The good boy/girl program is a tool parents use to inhibit misbehavior.
Although it works to a degree, as we’ll see, this belief in pure goodness hinders the individual’s psychological development into mature adulthood.
We all have a complete range of emotions and impulses—positive to negative. And we each possess the capacity for love and hate, peace and anger, joy and depression.
Sure, we would prefer to experience only love, peace, and joy. But these qualities always come with their opposite.
In early childhood, we lack the ability to repress this emotional energy. When parents instruct their children to be “good boys and girls” they’re forcing them to push down negative emotions and impulses their environment doesn’t accept.
This repression creates what analytic psychology calls a shadow. Children then drag this bag of repressed emotions, qualities, and impulses behind them into adulthood.
The Mind’s Wondrous Capacity for Self-Deception
Psychology is beginning to understand the role of the unconscious mind.1Bargh JA, Morsella E. The Unconscious Mind. Perspect Psychol Sci. 2008;3(1):73-9. Studies show most of human behavior is unconscious.
Consider what this means: we’re not aware of what’s motivating most of our actions, thoughts, and decisions.
As an example, take Kathleen Vohs’ research on money priming.2https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26214169 If someone dropped a box of pencils as you walked by, would you help pick them up?
Vohs ran experiments to see how exposure to money (in this case, Monopoly money from the board game) affects people’s behavior.
She found that when people were “primed” with Monopoly money, they picked up fewer pencils than when they weren’t exposed to money.
No way, you might exclaim. YOU might be unaware of your behavior. But I know what I’m doing and why I do it!
The human mind’s capacity for self-deception is infinite. People who believe in pure goodness are capable of the most unscrupulous evils.
How Good Intentions Turn into Poor Behavior
Outside of our awareness, our lesser qualities express themselves through our unconscious behavior.
Parents, for example, who believe they love their children unconditionally are often unaware of their repressed hatred toward them.
This hatred influences the parent’s behavior and the child’s well-being.
When parents spoil their children, for instance, they encourage selfishness and narcissistic tendencies.
No parent would consciously choose to spoil their children; spoiled children are annoying to be around and these children struggle more when they reach adulthood.
And yet most parents and grandparents spoil their children in varying ways. Why?
Parents spoil their children largely because of unconscious guilt.
They spoil not out of love, but because they fail to admit their feelings of hatred toward their children. (“I would never hate my child.”)
Instead, they feel good about pleasing their children without concern for the long-term consequences of their children’s development or well-being.
It’s why the proverb says, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
In identifying yourself as a “good person,” you will consciously try to do only good for yourself and others.
But your shadow side—all the unowned and unrecognized stuff in your psyche—finds a way of expressing itself whether you want it to or not.
The Good Person Program Always Turns Bad
Psychiatrist Carl Jung is often quoted saying, “I’d rather be whole than good.”
Individuals integrating their darker parts know about their “less-than-good” tendencies. They have a choice in how they respond to their environment.
Those who perceive themselves to be purely “good people,” lack this choice. They often behave poorly while believing they act in the highest good.
When you ignore the feelings of hatred, for example, it often expresses itself without your awareness.
You might shame someone with a quick glance of disapproval.
Or, you might reject someone by avoiding eye contact. It may be subtle, but on a subconscious level, the recipient will feel the emotional message.
If you acknowledge and welcome the emotion of hatred, you can release it.
Then, you can communicate with love or neutrality.
If you ignore or deny the emotion, the feeling will express itself through you.
Trying to be a good person at all times is the surest route to depression and anxiety.
Why? Because when we repress parts of what we are, those parts find ways to hijack our psyche.
What we resist, grows stronger.
What Happens When You Free Yourself of This Erroneous Belief
In letting go of the idea that you have to be a good person, you liberate yourself.
Now, you can acknowledge and integrate different aspects of yourself you previously denied.
Doing so frees up a tremendous amount of creative energy you can direct towards your interests and dreams.
It can also help heal your body, for the majority of our illnesses are caused by repressed emotions.
Traditional Chinese Medicine and ancient Taoist practices like Qigong are built on this understanding.
A few Western medical pioneers like Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, demonstrate this too.
Also, when you free yourself of this belief, your capacity to accept others will increase.
As you observe your unconscious motivations, you’ll be more understanding of the behaviors of others.
The Good Person Litmus Test
The goal, as I see it, is total acceptance of yourself as you are.
In my process, I’ve found the “good person” programming to be formidable. As an only child, I was often praised, usually without merit.
When I peer past all the false ideas of pure goodness, I often encounter resistance.
But through continual self-reflection on my motives and behavior, I begin to see a less flattering, but more accurate reality of my personality.
To evaluate if you’re running the “good person” program, consider these questions:
- Are you aware of the negative emotions that arise throughout the day?
- Do you believe it’s wrong to feel hatred towards the people you’re supposed to love?
- When you witness “poor behavior” in others (dishonesty, judgment, deception), to you acknowledge those same impulses within yourself?
- Are you aware of frequent feelings of envy and jealousy?
- Do you see yourself as a good person without accepting the darker parts of your personality?
Be honest. This is between you and you.
How to Dismantle the Good Person Program
First, realize that “I’m a good person,” is just a belief. Evaluate for yourself if this idea serves you.
If you weren’t praised as a child, this belief wouldn’t even be in your mental model and this discussion would be meaningless.
That is, in the beginning, you didn’t choose to have this belief about goodness.
Second, if you determine this idea doesn’t serve you anymore, let it go. It’s just an idea, a program someone gave you. It means nothing.
Third, consider a concept that might be more inclusive, like I am a whole being. I accept myself, including the darker parts.
Accept that we are complex beings with opposing tensions within us. It’s okay to hate your children, family, and friends at times; it doesn’t mean you don’t also love them.
As Jungian Robert Johnson writes in his classic He:
It seems that it is the purpose of evolution now to replace an image of perfection with the concept of completeness or wholeness. Perfection suggests something all pure, with no blemishes, dark spots, or questionable areas. Wholeness includes the darkness but combines it with the light elements into a totality more real and whole than any ideal.
Fourth, watch your emotions and thoughts throughout the day, especially your interaction with others.
The Vital Transition from “Good” to Whole
The reason self-deception is so common is that most of us lack the self-awareness to catch all of our “darker” thoughts and impulses and the self-honesty to admit them.
To assist you with this process, it’s important to develop self-observation skills. It will give you space between you and your unconscious impulses and feelings.
Shadow work exercises allow you to get to know and befriend your darker parts.
If you’re a dreamer, can you imagine a world where everyone owns his or her inner demons?
How much family tension would instantly unravel?
What would happen to the divorce rate?
Would there be war?
When someone asked Jung if World War III was inevitable, he said, “Such a war could only be avoided if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves.”
What Do You Think?
Leave your thought and comments about being a good person in below.
A blueprint for personal growth. Many thanks for your insights and wisdom, Scott.
You’re most welcome. Thanks for your comment, Werner.
I appreciate the article .. and im just going through this now (it started in real about 3 months ago) but my question of Jung’s idea that you must recognize your shadow and its :darkness: which i agree is there, but what if by watching and visually experiencing “evil” it has now been explored and can be flushed from the consciousness?
Your question is cleary to me, Don.
Essentially, you are your shadow. We only think we’re something else — what’s been called our False Self. Through mechanisms like repression and dissociation, we get cut off from these qualities, but they are still there.
In getting to know your shadow, you’re getting to know who you are by integrating all of the parts of you that you disowned in the course of your development.
Great observations. I would like to hear more about the line of demarcation between shadow impulses/thoughts and shadow acts. Hitler and the like aside, children may express shadow actions. How does Jung propose we properly respond to shadow actions?
Thank you, Garret. By “shadow actions,” do you mean doing something that’s “bad” (that’s inconsistent with your identity or doing something that you’re not aware that you’re doing?
Children’s actions are largely a result of their observations. They absorb the unconscious behaviors of their parents, for example, and then reflect these behaviors back to their parents through their actions.
We should have been taught this in school in order to take care of our selves correctly but I am grateful I’ve learned it now.
I’ve often felt the same way, Christina. There’s an unfortunate reason why we’re not taught this in school, however. When you don’t understand this distinction, it’s easy for “authorities” to manipulate and control you. Shame and guilt become a tool for manipulation.
Your philosophical approach while well outside traditional good bad, right wrong teachings or practices, is in line with far eastern philosophies. The key to which primarily is “balance”. Which you somewhat implied but did not mention. The one thing that stuck out to me was the use if not over use of the word hate and/or concept of it. While I’m sure some people hate “parenthood”, I find it difficult to rationalize or except people actually
“hating” children. Much less they’re own.
Basically I disagree with anything synonymous hatred. If there’s one thing that will lead one to hell,, it’s hatred.
I try to stay away from the word “balance” because it seems too ambiguous and subjective to me. (Think “work-life balance”.)
I used to have a similar attitude as you toward hatred, but after years of getting to know my shadow, I now find it this aversion toward hatred problematic.
From my experience, for what it’s worth, repressing hatred causes more damage than anything else. (For this reason alone, most people are disconnected from their shadow.)
Hatred doesn’t lead to hell. Repressed hatred leads to a hellish experience.
We are taught not to hate — usually by those harboring their own subconscious hatred. And so this hatred grows in us. The more you come to understanding and integrate your unconscious (and open your pineal), the more you may also see that hatred runs through us — like it or not.
Denying anything in us makes it grow stronger. Getting to know these parts and expressing them in non-destructive ways leads to greater “balance.”
And in terms of a parent feeling hatred towards his/her child (who largely represents a projection of something from within the parent):
You might need to ask yourself: If it was true, and you could easily observe this reality, would you be open and willing to seeing it? (And it’s okay if the honest answer is “no.)”
Perhaps hatred is too strong a word for some, and dislike may be easier to relate to.
Indeed, that’s true. But here’s the thing: for those who find hatred to be too strong a word, it is hatred that festers in their unconscious.
Many of us were told and conditioned by our parents not to use the word “hate” when we were going up. And as a consequence, these individuals have deeper reservoirs of rage and aggression flowing through them. Sadly, this is how the psyche works.
When we deny a word like hate, we repress it. And whatever we repress, grows stronger …
This reminds of the title of the book.
The taboo of knowing one’s self. People are afraid of things ,like the dark inside themselves. Why in all the years of talk therapy did I just found in 55 years . It all makes more sense now .Myself ,friends all humans subject to this dark projector in are mind. Thank you Scott
Yes, Lorring. Alan Watts was a wonderful writer and lecturer. We are all, for the most part, running away from what’s inside of us.
I used to think that I was good and tried my best to please everybody….until I was bullied at work.Then I stopped pleasing everybody,said no to everything that was not required in my work,hated the bully openly and my life changed and so did the school as there was no more food garden,no more eco club,no more free transport or me bringing in personal equipment to repair things etc.I went home early every day,got my work in on time and became super happy and relaxed.I quit that job last year as it was draining my energy and made a career as well as a new country move as I had freed my mind and myself.I am not the nice person anymore,but professional and accurate,especially when it comes to time and I start and knock off on the dot.I dont even donate my time to others….pay me overtime if you want me to work longer.I have future dreams again and not nightmares and I look forward to new future challenges and no one gets in my way.Wish I had done this earlier in life.
That’s awesome, Natascha. Sounds like you owned your warrior energy — instead of succumbing to the bully or the wimp.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
This is again an excellent article. I love reading your articles as they are thought-provoking, action-oriented, always including great questions for self-reflection and with enough links to further study the big journey to Mature. I believe the theme of this one hits a very basic obstacle for us to spiritually grow. Our attempts to be „good“ contain most likely feelings of shame and guilt, as we believe to be „bad“ or to use the Christian term we are „Sinners“. I struggled with this theme for the last years and I am just now starting to accept myself more the way I am, really appreciating the discovery of shadows as a way of coming to know myself better. It is a conscious turning inward. I appreciate your articles on my Journey. Would love to see a big web of all your articles! Keep on. Thank you.
Thanks for the comments, Margarita. Indeed, shame and guilt are intrinsically linked to this idea of goodness. In fact, shame and guilt are the fuel behind the “good person program.”
If you “behave,” then you’re good. If you misbehave, then you’re a Sinner. And being a Sinner is bad, so it evokes shame and guilt that are either felt consciously or repressed.
In a close study of Western religions, I’ve come to see that shame and guilt are largely a byproduct, if not a creation, of Western monotheistic religions. It is likely that they were tools used to control the masses. And now, they exist within our psyche, so we can continue to run the same program — even if we don’t grow up with religion directly.
I was not praised when I was a kid-quite the opposite. I was a normal kid albeit sensitive and I was told I was bad and was verbally and physically abused. I coped by being as “good” as I could be.
Anita, so in your situation, your parent(s) expressed what other parents repressed. In this way, you may have less internal confusion than those who were praised often.
Someone who is praised has to come down from their inflation, usually into their deflation/ depression, until finally arriving in their Center (assuming they are doing inner work).
In the cases of external abuse that is still in memory, there’s usually more deflation to contend with.
But the “coping to being as ‘good’ as you can” is what almost all of us do as children. That’s why everyone has a shadow.
kind a had something similar parents were mental abusers and grandparent were more into praises and gave what ever you wanted so I’m guessing they were maybe feeling guilty? how do I pick my self up be good enough…it is a stuggle
The first thing to keep in mind is that your parents were following a similar pattern from your grandparents. It’s usually difficult to see this, but grandparents mask their real attitudes as they get older. But if you carefully watch how your parents and their parents interact, you’re likely to see the aggression (or passive-aggressive) tendencies.
To your question, there’s no easy answer to this except to realize that despite whatever trauma you endured, you’re still here.
Good enough for what exactly?
Hi Anita – it sounds like your childhood was similar to mine. I am sensitive also, and I grew up with the message to not bother anyone, to be pleasant and please others. No conflict allowed. This led to my suppressing darker sides of myself. I appreciate this topic because I’m now learning to not judge myself when I do feel darker emotions and do not want to please others. I realize I have a choice now, and following that doesn’t make me a bad person.
I would implore everyone to read The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters. The book explains why we think how we think, a logical explanation of the brain and mind. Once there is a scientific understanding of how the brain works, it is easier to work on the shadow.
I am in the beginning stages of my self exploration journey, and a virgin to this blog. I found this article interesting and had to read a few times to digest as I consciously and subconsciously teach my children good vs bad. If I were to transition out of this behavior help me understand what does it transition to for my children. If they have an emotional moment, currently I am correcting or suppressing the behavior. Is this suggesting that I don’t? If I do allow the behavior help me understand in very practical terms what that looks like. Very basic stuff like a 5 yr old snatching or not sharing.
Alisha, the key thing to understand as a parent is that our children are observing our behaviors and absorbing our psychic energy FAR more than they are processing our words.
So most of the battle is still an internal one: the more centered the parent, the more centered the child. The more unconscious and out of control the parent, the more possessed by various archetypes the child becomes.
From this context, it’s not as much about what to say to your kids and more about internally monitoring yourself to observe what in you may be triggering certain behaviors in your kids.
And consider this: Is it okay not share? Is it okay to be greedy?
Your child learned not to share from someone in his or her environment. (We all do — subtlely at home or not-so-subtlely at school.) By forcing the child to share now, you’re demanding the child repress rage in their unconscious (which will store up in their body over time).
What if the only way to arrive at authentic generosity is to fully express our greediness first?
And what if few of us ever experience this authentic generosity as adults because we weren’t allowed to express this greediness as children?
As I mentioned in another comment response: what we resist, grows stronger.
Good stuff, thanks
You’re welcome, Joe!
Good article. I realize that there is a lot to deal with as a parent for my children to be whole rather than good boys or girls.
That’s true, Constance. The challenge is that we don’t understand the level of our own fragmentation and so we necessarily create the same divide in our children. But we can begin to stop the cycle that goes on generation after generation by turning toward our inner life.
I’ve enjoyed a number of your articles and believe we share an uncommon amount of perspective and perception. Though Canadian, I lived in the US for 20+ years but have been working in and around Asia all my (educational) career. I was intrigued at why the East’s thinking processes, notions, and perspectives were completely opposite to the West’s. That got me studying dualisms, dipolar energy, the nature of personality and how it explicates through opposites, etc. This brought me into Jungian notions and others who based their paradigms on such. So finding your work has been serendipitous and meaningful. You have a gift to say simply what is profound. I just wrote a book on Narcissism and its Lovechild, Enmeshment, that explores so many notions I have now found in your writings as well. I would really like to submit this to you for your review … for I think we have a synergy that would be meaningful to explore.
Hi Perry, These types of synergies are always interesting to encounter. It’s as if we already know all of this material, but we are re-learning it again now (re-search, to search again).
Feel free to reach out to me via the contact link in the footer.
Just purchased your book(The Great Controversy: The Struggle within Consciousness between the Psyche and his Community) Can’t wait for it to arrive. I’m a writer too, but French. I’ve been teaching a lot about the shadow in various books. It’s strongly believe that it’s the way to go to reach the light!
Excellent post! As an Inspirational speaker and coach I introduce this concept by talking about specialness, as it manifests as self-importance or self-unimportance. I demonstrate that they are sides of the same coin. I often utilize the Taijitu as a symbol for those integration.
That’s a good point, Paula. Specialness is another consequence of praising. It creates an ego construct that wants to feel “better than” while secretly feeling “less than” — self-importance, and self-unimportance, as you say.
Well written! How ever some demons are hard to beat, even you know all about them.
Personally, I love self-analysis but sometimes it feels like you go too far and lose in the disbelief that you understand nothing. Maybe it’s just me. :)
Yes, I know what you mean, Laisvis. That’s why it’s important to be fully grounded when you do any type of self-analysis. We also need to be fully engaged in life too.
In terms of “beating demons,” this is a problematic concept — a remnant of various religious teachings. You don’t “beat a demon” as much as you integrate that impulse into your consciousness. In attempting to beat or dominate a “demon,” you are only making it stronger.
It’s always a pleasure to read your work Scott. Very elegant, insightful and readable pieces. And everything on Shadow Work is especially fascinating to me. I look forward to seeing more. All the best.
Thank you for your feedback, Nevena.
More to come!
I could not agree more. The past year of my life has involved deep, deep work in addressing my “shadow side” and learning to accept and allow “negative” emotions. It is very healing. Thank you for sharing this and for your work in helping people become whole. I share that mission.
That’s great to hear, Heidi. Thank you for posting your comments.
Thanks for all the wisdom, Scott. Your daily e-mails help me tremendously and each entry on your website makes me question more about myself and challenge me to grow.
You’re most welcome, Pîngă.
“Live the questions,” as poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote.
At one time or another most of us have felt like we have the archetypes of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. One person I know claims he could actually see these beings when he was small. Whether real or just perceived, would these influences be considered part of our shadow? Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the ‘devil’ 90% of the time? Would this change by doing shadow work or is conscious recognition in itself ‘shadow work’?
Can karmic debt be uncovered and removed by doing shadow work?
Hi Colleen. The shadow is a term used to describe everything in a person’s shadow to which they are not aware. If you see a devil in your reflection, and you don’t recognize it as a part of you, then yes, it represents an aspect of your shadow.
You asked, “Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the ‘devil’ 90% of the time?” I’m not sure I agree with this. Most people perceive themselves to be “good.” We might listen to the devil in us, but we generally don’t consider it to the “devil’s voice” in most cases. And it is for this reason that we listen to it.
Yes, only by getting to know one’s shadow and integrating these disowned aspects of us do have then have the choice of which voices to listen to and which ones to dialogue with.
As for karmic debt, to this I’m uncertain. Shadow work can bring a sense of guilt for our behavior to our conscious minds. Staying present with this guilt can perhaps remove a form of karmic debt, which ultimately represents running a similar pattern in the future.
Concerning my communication I often feel that I need to be a good person to not hurt other’s feelings. But I get mad when people hurt my feelings with what they say. Then i harbor a resentment.
I want to be more honest in expressing my emotions and not use snitty remarks or sarcasm to hide my anger.
I want to be my whole self in my communication and learn to express my emotions honestly even though it may hurt someone’s feelings.
Hi Sunny,
What you’re looking for is to learn how to be assertive. It is an essential component for mature adulthood that few of us master (I’m not one of them either).
Aggressiveness and passive-aggressiveness are two sides of the same coin. Assertiveness is in the middle.
Also, when you become more conscious of the archetypal patterns of behavior that operate within us, a greater understanding arises as to why we are constantly hurting each other and ourselves.
This reminds me of Winnicott’s false self – being good and nice for narcissistic parents, a mirror and extension of their needs and wishes) while the authentic self is hidden.
Hi Jo, I hadn’t heard of Winnicott before, but I just read up on his concept of True Self and False Self, and yes, it is very similar. The False Self, in the context here, is the Shadow. The True Self is what lies beyond it after the Shadow is integrated.
I believe the collective consciousness is very powerful and we can achieve real greatness if the masses where involved… I definitely love the idea of integrating the shadow self it will be hugely beneficial for ones self as to be true to ones self you have to love every part – dark included!
I agree it is something we have be conditioned to from a child but if we can recognise it then we can start to make a change… thank you for the article it was really spoke and resonated.
Thank you for your comments, Gemma.
I’m not sure you can love every part, or if you need to, but rejecting different parts certainly doesn’t serve us.
I was not praised in the family but was in school. I ended up fleeing from the family home and pleasing the whole world.
Integrating that, I then looked at how i was not praised but was criticized at home and how I fought that and naturally continued to flee in order to go where it felt good.
After more inner work I ended up noticing I was totally frozen in the ‘neutral’ middle, between these responses, unable to make decisions and hating the questioner in me! Also blaming it for not being able to express my multiple emotions..
Accepting that part as a sort of Saviour, ie. allowing myself to ‘live the questions’ as well as simply feel my feelings, finally led me to observing the guilt and shame for not doing the ‘right thing’ or never quite being ‘perfect’. A long road eh! :)
And of course this ‘me’ continues to run in circles huh..
Yet..
Im now predominantly able to allow many different emotions and tensions to exist within me, whilst I also know that the process continues infinitely. Making friends and dancing with the authentic me is my gentle focus now. Wholeness is not ever ‘safe’ yet it feels much better than holding onto anything! Of course here language fails me since I don’t mean this as better than ‘whatever else’!? Life simply is :)
Thank you for this immense resource you have created.
I think you expressed the process of inner work well, Biljana.
One thing: I believe it’s less about “making friends with your authentic self” and more about stripping away what you’re not. The real self just is.
Hi Scott.. yes yes.. Was just seeing that I didn’t manage to say the last bit well (talk about needing to be perfect! lol) as I hit the reply button.. Was going to add myself, that to me we simply are, and in my experience, as we are tryly one with the universe, we and the universe are neither good or bad, or you can also say we are both of those.. One thing universe (we) are though, in my seeing, is benevalent and compassionate.. hence no need to try much, just be! But it is ok too that we try, for we as children mainly just want to love, want to do well for our parents and the world.. Thats ok.. As we mature, we also learn to forgive.. and like that get closer and closer to being one with that compassion..
Anyways, all this to say it is usually in the trying to be good or anything else that lies the problem.. Ie. trying to be ‘somebody’.. Hence, as you point out so well, our work is only to stop getting in the way of our true selves.. a sort of working backwards for our rather active mind ;)
So yes.. thank you.. see and agree..
I sensed what you understood what I was clarifying, Biljana. I was making the clarification more for other readers. ;)
Great and thank you for saying that Scott.. I sense that you stand behind your words and this, to be honest, is rather refreshing, online. It is the sole reason I am commenting here, as I normally don’t engage in this way!
Actually unsure if ‘stand behind your words’ exists as an expression in English! Its how it came so I went with it :) but for clarification again I meant that it feels that you practice what you say, plus are present :)
Thank you, Biljana. I understand what you mean. :)
I think the problem may be more with “niceness” and the desire to be liked rather than goodness per se. After all, if goodness was no longer to be valued or pursued at all, what imperative would there be to do Shadow work? To put it bluntly, why should we care that we have become or are becoming self-righteous judgmental hypocrites who are destructive of ourselves and others, whose professed values bear no relation to our actual behaviour? I would certainly agree about the danger of a false image of oneself as a good person.
The desire to be liked may act as a motive for refraining from some of the more outrageous forms of human evil, but it can also lead us to refrain from doing or saying the right thing when it is difficult, may make one unpopular, or risks making one appear arrogant or judgmental (there may of course be a real risk of becoming those things, but that is another issue).
Some repression appears necessary as part of becoming civilised human beings (as otherwise as adults we would say cruel things without regard to how this hurt others’ feelings, stare at or touch people of one’s preferred gender without regard to whether or not this made them uncomfortable, and assault or murder people we got angry with) but clearly it is not without cost, hence the need for Shadow work.
Based on your comments, Alexander, I’m not sure if you read the entire article all the way through or not. If you read it all the way through, your tensions will likely be resolved.
Goodness isn’t the desired result of shadow work in any way. Note that goodness isn’t one of the four or five noble virtues either.
You said, “repression appears necessary” — I would amend that statement to suppression is necessary. With repression, we don’t know what we’re feeling; that’s where the shadow comes in and the cause of so much of our confusion and conflict. With suppression, we have some level of awareness of the emotion and are regulating it as best we can.
When we perceive ourselves to be “good,” we truly have no idea what’s going on — what we’re doing, how we’re feeling, how we are affecting others, etc. And this identity with goodness, I can say from personal experience and experience working with many others, completely prohibits one’s ability to get to know one’s shadow (at any meaningful level).
It depends how you define “goodness”. For some, virtue would be synonymous; for goodness to be one of the virtues might appear superfluous. And I repeat: if good and evil do not matter at all, why bother with Shadow work? One might refrain from evil for selfish motives, from wanting to be liked to not wanting to go to prison, but one might equally decide that being a destructive hypocrite would increase one’s chances of achieving certain selfish goals. And how exactly is wholeness not “good “?
It appears to me we are at cross purposes as we are using words differently.What you call “goodness” I call “niceness”. Goodness for me is about true virtue and wholeness; niceness centres rather on the desire to appear good to oneself and others.
Perhaps it will be helpful if I clarify the driving message of this particular article on a practical level:
If you hold the belief that you are intrinsically a good person, you will NOT be able to get to know your shadow.
We can talk definitions and philosophize about the meaning of goodness for eons. But from my perspective, this doesn’t get us anywhere.
You do shadow work because it brings you back to yourself. You don’t do it become a more “civilized person” or good, upstanding member of society. If those are your drives, pick a religion and follow its rules. These motives, however, will prohibit you from getting to know and integrating your shadow. The benefits of this psychological integration are different than what one might expect.
I do not believe that I am an intrinsically good person. In point of fact, that is not what my religion actually teaches. Besides I know I am not from experience and encounters with my Shadow. And I did not say that the purpose of Shadow work was to become civilised; that is the purpose of suppression. Presumably the purpose of Shadow work is to become integrated or whole, in response to the repression undertaken during one’s “civilisation” by one’s parents, self and others. And I am sorry, but unless we can be clear about what we each mean by words, I fail to see how we can even have a decent conversation, let alone actually make any progress. You accused me of not having read the whole article; I am beginning to wonder if you have been reading my comments properly, which is fair enough given the sheer number you must get through. I hope that I am not being overly defensive or abrasive. I am not sure that there is a meaningful difference between psychotic logo, philosophy, and religion in this context. If anything, some psychological theories seem more “religious” than actual religions, which are more spiritual than they are given credit for.
“Psychology” not “psychotic logo” Confounded auto-correct.
Being nice: This is a social construct. It’s interpersonal and external in that it is in relation to others.
Being good: Can be interpersonal but is more of an internalized belief about oneself.
Neither of these represents the aim or goal of shadow work. Both being nice and being good are functions of passive shadow archetypes. Niceness is usually the wimp or masochist. Goodness is usually the Denying Innocent One (the passive side of the Manipulator) — using Robert Moore’s framework.
Perhaps this clears up any confusion in terminology?
Also, Western religions don’t teach that you are good. They actually imply that you are “bad” (thus shaming you) while telling you “should” be good.” Parents often do the same thing.
I will stand corrected on suppression versus repression, though the former sounds even stronger to me.
A lot of religious dogma is about righteousness and being eternally good, but doesn’t address the need to be whole well.
That’s true, Scott. I think that’s where parents subconsciously learned this tactic from. By teaching people to “be good,” they could control people. And it works quite well but at the cost of the individuals’ consciousness and sanity.
Your words touch my heart cause I’m really not acting as a good person. I can say I play many roles in my life: mother, daughter, teacher, student ….. etc. So, I put my self in different situations as if I see world with more than two eyes. I think this experience learns me a lot to live peacefully with my self at the end. I know who am I, and what I want.
The thing to remember, Nada, is that in the modern world, there probably aren’t any “good people.” (I’ve never met any — not on a genuine level anyway.)
Once you let go of seeing yourself as a good person, you’re in a far better position to begin to observe your shadow and come to terms with who you are (as a personality).
Complex subject. How about becoming a “good person” with no direct praise. All children want/ need the love of their parents. I was basically told I was not good enough. I would bring home a 99% grade on a math test. I was excited to tell my mother. When I told her she said that was terrible. Math is your best subject. You should have gotten a 100%. So, I became performance oriented to get her love with a fixed mindset. Another example was when I was a kid, I would leave a trail of clothes going to bed. She would come into the room picking up the clothes and would say. Oy! I just saw my mother (who was dead) (guilt). In other words, I was killing her by her having to pick up my clothes. So, I became a good boy and became very neat in order to become a good boy. However, the only praise I got was indirect when she would give a tour of the house to friends and open the drawers of my dresser and open my closet and say look how neat I was. Overcoming these type of issues involved affirmations like: I am good enough, I am lovable, I am enough and going from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. In addition, needed to confront and feel my repressed feelings of anger, pain and fear. Plus feeling the joy of doing things for myself.
I would modify the statement, “All children want/ need the love of their parents” To “All children need self-acceptable of their parents” — or not to be hated. You’ll be surprised how confused and overused our collective notions of “love” is.
No matter the cause or roots of the “good person” program, the effects are the same. Seeking approval of others is a classic sign of stalled psychological development (that effects most of us) that leads to aborted self-actualization.
I personally don’t believe affirmations will resolve this common type of trauma. In fact, they are more likely to reinforce your shadow (internal rage). Confronting and feeling the rage, as you said, is more instructive.
“if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves.” Drug companies would lose millions of dollars in revenue for anti-depressant drugs. Now that would be perfection, people owning their own s*^t instead of masking it.
Not just drug companies, Joyce. Fashion, media, entertainment, commerce in general, etc. The financial loss wouldn’t be in the millions; it would be in the trillions. It would topple the entire system. So you can see why there’s so much external incentive to keep the masses polarized.
Hey Scott, the only way I can share my thoughts on this article is by first asking a few questions in relation to your answers for them. I hope you facilitate me.
First question: Do you believe in destiny? …
If NO…. why?
If YES who writes our destiny?…..is it God (universe, infinite intelligence, or whatever is your name for this concept) or is it us, the man himself.
Now your answer has to be either No and Why ………or if your answer is Yes it has to be either God or Man cannot be both.
Damian, as you can see above, I do my best to respond to comments. However, I find your comment/questions both time-wasting and manipulative, so I’m electing not to respond directly. Feel free to keep your thoughts on the article to yourself.
Time, once gone can never be retrieved. I value my time as well as others. My intentions are always genuine and authentic so I apologize if my comments/question above seem to be manipulative to you, after all, I did hope you would have facilitated me.
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
When you start to get to know your shadow (which is the theme of this article and others on my website), you’ll be in a position to challenge your “always genuine and authentic” intentions.
lol, Scott ….I disagree with the article and the whole shadow concept, however, I understand that is your opinion and I respect it. I to have a concept about life that I follow which might be different or even similar to yours we might never know. That does not mean I’m right and you are wrong or vice versa the most important thing is that these concepts allow us the ability to continue to grow and to learn.
Clearly, from your response, you have indicated that you probably don’t need to grow any further or learn anything new.
My intentions were to see where my concept might have had loopholes in comparison to your responses because I value the fact that you spent 25 years+ on this journey and accumulated a lot of knowledge on this concept called life.
In a nutshell, I believe that you cannot give what you don’t have, what inside of you is what comes out. Furthermore, that what is inside determines dictates your worlds view. So in other words, if you see manipulation without any clear evidence guess what Scott????.
The negative emotions that you described as the shadow are not be repressed as you correctly said but it also shouldn’t be embraced either. Cause I don’t know how the hell you can take hate and turn it into love. Darkness only disappears when there is light. Hate (darkness) is just a state of mind that NEED to be replaced by Love (light). The key to keeping that light forever shining no matter our circumstances is the answer to the million-dollar question WHO AM I.
My questions were leading up to the answer I perceived to be correct. If I was correct you and the other persons who are so fortunate to be part of is discussion would have learnt something new. If I was wrong then I would have learnt something new. Therefore my intentions were in the name of growth, not manipulation.
As I said, Damian, until you get to know your shadow, you’re not in the position to evaluate this clearly.
I saw your “game” from your initial comment, which is why I declined to play. (You used the clear language of specific shadow archetypes.)
You’re free to “disagree” with the entire shadow concept. It’s understandable. It tends to make people uncomfortable — especially those who are terrified to see what’s really inside of them (which is most of us).
At a certain age, however, many people reach the point where it becomes too obvious that something else is going on inside of them. The inconsistencies and repeating patterns of problems become too difficult (and sometimes painful) to ignore. Only then can the inner journey begin.
Perhaps the entire fields of depth psychology, humanistic psychology, development psychology are wrong about the shadow. Maybe individuals like Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Alan Watts, Ken Wilber, and Jordan Peterson are wrong and the shadow is a figment of their imagination.
Maybe they are all wrong and you are correct. Or, maybe not …
Note: you said, “My questions were leading up to the answer I perceived to be correct.” Exactly my point. You weren’t asking an honest question. Perhaps that’s why you accused me of not wanting to learn and grow. This is an example of you “projecting your shadow” onto me. But then again, that assumes that the shadow exists and that you have one.
Thank you and noted, what specific archetype was displayed though?. I’ll like to read up on it
The shadow archetypes of the Magician.
See: https://scottjeffrey.com/magician-archetype/
I find the concept a bit hard to understand fully but I still agree with the idea that parents actions consiously and unconsciously program the child.
I have rare genetic problem and to put it simply it cause internal problems qnd I also can’t go on sunlight. I am 20 now.Because of that my problem my parents are overprotective that harmed me a lot. I have hard time facing challenges and meeting nee people / building connections , for me is almost impossible to express my desires to them I still can’t disobey and do what I want not what they expect and we have really different point of views for many things. My mother praised a lot my artistic autlet as kid [ she told me when it wasn’t good for my age ] it made me subconscious believe I am superior in art and when the reality of really – existence of talented kids younger than me hitted me I started to feel jealousy and even anger [ Why they can be that good ,I am the one that wants career in art, why it is easier for them,why people follow their art Instagram and ect ]
On the other hand my father didn’t care about my art he wanted only good grades.I desperately tryed to grab his attention but I wasn’t good at math and English subjects he really cared for. I started laying about my grades for every subject ,he also thought I loose/broke things on purpose or that I just don’t pay attention and make a mess.
Because he and mother always had problems my mother scolded me as outlet for that when I was in my early teens because my mind was constantly in race tying to find who I am and I almost every day forgot to do house work /sometimes I wanted to disobey and just let my house work aside.
The hatred towards my father hit its peak and one time I stood at the back of my door within he to enter so I can hit him with baseball batt [I stopped before him entering] I also have angry autburst where I scream [ I am happy it never happens Infront of someone]
Some other things are that in my mind money,sexual desire and thinking you are smarter is equal to being bad. So yeah it have impact.My shadow is probably huge
Hi Kai, I’m not sure what your intention was in describing these life experiences here, but I don’t see a question, so I’ll assume you’re just expressing yourself.
I could relate to this article very much, I was a person who was good ALL the time, saying yes to everything and this has caused me inner frustration, and many many sucidial thoughts, presently I have stopped being so called good person and express myself of who am I really, I accept my imperfections, anger , envy emotions, I don’t deny them, recently I express my anger so heavily that I spoke of words that even my conscious mind was not aware and I was shocked of those words that came out of my mouth unconsciously when I was anger, I read almost all your articles and it is really helping me a lot to understand me internally, I would like to hear from you how could I express my anger or any repressed other emotion in health way , thank you Scott for all your great work 🙏
Some times you can speak to your anger and truth to the other individual directly. Other times you can not.
If you can’t, you might still write them a letter and express all of your true feelings — even if you can’t send it to them.
Some times you can express the rage “behind closed doors,” like in front of a bathroom mirror.
Screaming into a pillow is another outlet.
If the rage is strong, and you’re male, you might open up on a punching bag for a while.
Me and my mom read this article together. I’ve had a problem with the “good person” program for a long time-and have been aware of it. Seeing this article made me really want to change. Thank you for your insight. My mom is grateful for this information as well.
You’re welcome, Irene. That’s great that your mom was open and receptive to reading it — many mothers aren’t!
Thanks for this article Scott. These are astute insights. I would help you make your point about the importance of becoming aware of these opposites as real and influential with a small glimpse into my own story:
I have been on the journey from good to whole for going on 50 years. However, it wasn’t until I took back my own arrogant, 2 year old “self” from my Mother that my journey opened up to reveal a dark side. That happened 15 years ago. Before that “incident” (and it wasn’t pretty) I was too afraid of both her and the world to be aware of my disowned self.
Being able to see and own the darker side of my own personality has brought humility and made me more human – and more free. I am a better mother, wife, grandmother and friend. My boundaries are in place without much ado. The cynicism I felt in my 50’s has all but dissipated. Joy, passion and my tendency toward intimacy and connection have all been enhanced.
To be all that I can be entails being all that I actually am first. (Both the good and bad.) There just is no getting around that. So keep up the reality lessons, Scott. I thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Renee.
Definitely a great testament to the power of getting to know your shadow.
When I accept all of my self I no longer feel I have to be more than I already am in that moment which is enough.
I have found when I accept my shadow I have more control of my entire self .my truth is I am all that I am and have been.going forward I accept my entirity without judgement of my self but rather justice. If I choose to act through my shadow then I also am accepting the consequences that come with it. Being aware gives me more control of my actions my choice of influence and my destiny .
Yes, Dave, that’s true. It’s just a matter of deeply knowing your shadow and accepting it (which implies that it has been integrated).
I’m glad I found your email subscription, it’s really helped me understand what I do throughout the day as a “good” person. It is a big concept to swallow but it makes so much sense. I don’t know if this means I have to stop volunteering at my local mission every so often or not want to teach meditation to people but I will dive deeper into my shadow side and find love for every part of me. But I will do what I need find myself whole and continue learning and growing. Thank you for writing these emails
The action itself is less important than understanding the shadow motivation behind it.
Most people who do charity work, for example, do it to either elevate their self-image in front of others or to run away from their selfish or greedy part. Of course, in most cases, they are not honest or aware of their true motivation.
From what I can observe, many of those who teach meditation are possessed by the Sadist archetype who enjoys torturing others. In fact, I believe that most of how meditation is taught in the West is a form of sadistic torture. Again, this motivation is unconscious in possibly every case.
I do believe it to be beneficial to be a whole person…I do not believe eliminating the good will make you more whole though…as you stated earlier exceptance of both sides are needed and to see the dark in your self you need a light to strive for the goodness programing imposed by parents is to instill a code of conduct that would other wise be benificial in societal rule there will always be differences in the way you act in public and at home and the good programming is more to the public view aspects as for love understanding and other emotional balance systems those are worked in at home qlong with other programed tools that make the good programming system worth instilling in your children as a means to guide their conduct but is by no means the only system or set of tools and rules you will be presenting them with i enjoyed your view on the system but you are presenting a partial and one sided argument and though it is better to be whole than good i think by eliminating the very system that gives you an idea of the difference between bad and good you are also canceling out the value of the concept of where you fall in such a system so to aliminate the system would be to work in reverse…..
The point of the article, Frederick, is that until you know your dark side, your “goodwill” is necessarily fake and disingenuous — despite your best intentions to the contrary.
In fact, the more you get to see what’s lurking in your shadow, the less stock you’ll put in your “good intentions” at all. Until a parent comes to term with their darkness, they may install the words of goodness into their children, but what they will mainly do is transmit all of their darkness onto their children (shadow archetypes) and condition them to repress it. This is well-documented.
My view here isn’t one-sided at all. A parent can’t instill a code of conduct on their children if they are unconscious of what’s inside of them.
And if they succeed at holding the opposites within them, there’s no need to instill such a code. (Such a code is merely a form of repression, which leads to all the programs we face in adulthood.) Instead, the child would simply observe the genuineness of the parent and follow suit.
We learn by observing behavior, NOT by empty words taught to us by our parents.
I am starting to see where my rage came from and I’m better every day. Thanks for helping to open my mind.
Sure thing, Elana.
I do understand this as being responsible for your own thoughts and behaviours (dark and light)
Correct, Stanley. Thoughts, emotions, impulses, attitudes, and behaviors.
I am a survivor of EAN parenting and as a result, often codependent, looking for that love and affection I was denied as a child in an attempt to gain closure for decades old wounds.
I’ve started my own journey into breaking the codependency habit – Burns, Manson, Goleman, Beattie amongst others and I know from the little I’ve read that I’m Jungian by disposition which is what drew me here.
I’ve had half a century of a hell inside my head. Time for things to change, as Mason quotes Charles Bukowski “Don’t Try”.
Welcome, Dave. As Jung might say, sounds like you’re in the soup too!
Keep in mind that almost everyone is living in a hell inside their minds. It’s a matter of degrees and the level of one’s consciousness about their reality.
Re-reading your article did have me questioning one tenet of the philosophy – I have never seen love and hate as opposites. If you love someone, and that love fades, you become indifferent. If you love someone, and they hurt you, you become angry with them, but by and large the anger fades and you move on, admittedly perhaps with help. Hatred starts wars. Maybe a little too hippy-trippy and perhaps says more about me than others.
I understand where you’re coming from, Dave. But this article is addressing a more deeply-rooted (i.e. unconscious) issue.
The hatred I’m speaking about isn’t conscious. That is, most of us can’t connect or feel it — largely because of our self-identity that says, “I’m not someone who hates.”
But it’s there. And unconscious hatred doesn’t start wars. It’s leads to chronic pain, illnesses of every variety, addiction, chronic fatigue, general discontent, and more. The rage and hatred repressed inwards attack us.
And perhaps more importantly, because this hatred and rage are unrecognized and disowned, they keeps us from becoming grounded and genuine.
This article was the most eye opening in quite awhile excellent content!!!! I’m currently in prison because as a youth I was raised by Jehovah’s Witnesses who, as a part of their traditional belief system are basically extremists when it comes to the topic of goodness and shunning badness. And so like a boiling Crock-Pot I rebelled in my teenage years and had a lot of fun releasing those shadow parts of myself but it was all in an unhealthy way. Only after I was locked up did it seem that I was awakened to the WHOLE truth about who I am, who we are, and that we create reality and not merely accept reality. I enjoyed reading this very much.
Thanks for the comments, Pierre. Your experience, believe it or not, is not uncommon. Religious extremism does make the shadow grow stronger. And eventually, it runs the shadow — usually to our detriment. The good news is that in going to both extremes, it’s sometimes easier to arrive in the Middle.
Your comment regarding extremes is so true. i use to refer to my life being like a pendulum. When i found this message, i knew i was home.
Yes. In many cases, it’s difficult to arrive at the center without first going to extremes.
When i was young i was uncomfortable with the compliments i received telling me how nice i was. I knew i was not such a nice boy and frankly i resented it. I was adopted when i was eight years old and by 11 i was acting out. I believe my confusion over this issue was causing problems for me.
I need to have this make more since for me so i can understand the real alternatives to being good. How do we go from good to whole?
Gary, the solution is to get to know and integrate your shadow. You can find a primer here:
https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/
And if you’ve subscribed to my list, you’ll be notified when my Shadow Training program is open for enrollment.
I am a member of your shadow group and understand my old issues. I am more concerned with what i have done to others, namely children, in their developement.
I always stressed honesty and kindness as two values in a good character for my children. Is this another form of being good?
Hey Gary. Consider this: Have you been honest and kind in every situation throughout life? There’s nothing inherently wrong with teaching values like honesty and kindness. But the reality is that if our parents were honest and kind, we wouldn’t need to be taught it.
We learn by observing behavior (consciously and unconsciously). Generally speaking, the values we attempt to teach others are the ones we ourselves most need to integrate.
Also, it’s important to understand how the world works. Teaching children to be honest and kind without also showing them that most people lie all the time (and are mean) doesn’t prepare them for this world.
Gary,
Now that I see your last name (which was absent in the original post), I know who you are. I recommend moving this discussion to the private forum if you have more questions/comments.
I consider myself a good person but am conscious of the bad in me. At times the bad, more thought than action, dominates my behaviour and i don’t feel good about that although i do justify this behaviour as its my right to react badly at times. After all i am human
“After all I am human.” Amazingly, while this statement is so common, it’s actually a subtle form of denial (an ego defense mechanism) that ensures that we fall into a similar pattern in the future (where we’ll once again say, “Oh well, I’m just human.”)
The only way out of this trap (and neverending cycle) is to see yourself fully (that is, your real personality). And when you do, it is unlikely that you’ll be able to identify yourself as a “good person.”
When you work out why you are reacting the way you are, you are on the road to healing that part of you…. Then you can just be yourself without judgement.
This article is one that i did not regret reading. Growing up we were taught to live up to certain expectations that embodied “goodness” and by doing so only created greater space for deception and not being true to ourselves. Not choosing even careers we felt strongly about etc., to please parents or those who held us to “the good standard.” Ideally, self-awareness and being able to openly express our feelings regardless would take us closer to being whole. Excellent article!
Thank you, Kathy.
What you said is very true. The most interesting thing is that even after we become conscious of these dynamics, somehow, this conditioning for approval is often still an influencing factor in our decisions and behavior.
I have only recently realised that I have nursed a deep hatred for my husband due to my resentment of his controlling behaviour. It was taking a lot of energy to suppress this feeling and causing me to “worry” about his death….. In fact I realised that I was wishing him dead. My belief system did not allow for such thoughts. It was a painful realisation.
If it makes you feel any better, Caroline, virtually everyone is harboring these kinds of resentments towards those closest to them (mostly unconsciously). Spouse to spouse, parent to child, child to parent, and so on.
That’s why becoming conscious of these hidden attitudes are so important: they are silently influencing all of our behavior and creating warfare in our psyches.
Tis alas, too true. Tough but true. One can only be whole if one is aware and comfortable with all assets and features of ones whole being and consciousness
Although I was never praised that much as a child (I was rejected by teachers a lot instead of receiving praise from them) and my mom genuinely never showed favoritism towards me or my brothers in particular saying she loves us equally which is very believable to me from her point of view and the actions she has taken to reflect this goal, this article once again reinforced that I am rejecting myself really hard in an effort to not see my inner ugliness I had a teacher in a MA program which didn’t end up working out for me she said to me one day in a casual tone “You’re your own worst enemy” I had no idea what she was talking about or how she saw it but now I know and I want to fix myself as a person, get out of my depression, and let out hate I’ve been repressing the vast majority of my life.
Thank you so much Jeffery I already have your book on the shadow downloaded and am looking for more resources on this currently.
Sure thing, Jose.
One thing to consider: every mother (despite their best efforts) has favorites. There would be no reason for a parent to say “I love all my children equally” — unless it wasn’t true. This statement is an attempt to run away from the truth.
This is important to understand because a person doesn’t develop feelings of self-hatred accidentally or randomly. It develops because of unrecognized and disowned feelings derived FROM the parents. That’s how the initial wound forms in the child’s psyche.
Without understanding this, you can spend your entire life trying to “fix” yourself, without knowing what’s really going on or what happened to you. That’s why shadow work involves mining the past.
This makes a lot of sense to me. As a parent I’m curious to know your thoughts on how to prevent ‘good person programming’ in kids. I try to steer clear of ‘good girl’ type remarks (although my own conditioning from childhood has it slip out from to time to time) and use instead phrases like ‘good job’ or ‘well done’ to label the action rather than the person. But I wonder now whether it still has the same net effect. Any suggestions around how to praise/not praise and prevent this programming and minimise shadow in our kids?
Phrases like “good job” condition children to wait for those types of comments in adulthood. Moreover, the subconscious message from the sender is putting the child down. (They can feel it, but don’t have the cognition to process it.) If you assume the child is highly capable, these types of “encouraging” statements won’t be uttered.
But overall, when it comes to parenting, it all comes down to self-parenting and owning your shadow. As parents, we necessarily project whatever is disowned within us onto our children. It’s much less about what we do with them and much more about becoming conscious of our internal terrain, acknowledging our darker intention, regulating and resolving our past traumas, etc.
As a general, giving the child more space is usually advisable.
The challenge is that we learn how to behave by watching others. And as such, most of our behavior tends to be destructive.
Thank you for sharing these lessons in opening to our shadow. I’m appreciating all the information in digestible presentation & amounts.
I realize I will use the rest of my life to discover my shadow & grow old together. Some learning & incorporating will be didactic, some experiential.
I’ve been inching towards shadow work, acceptance and integration for a few years.
It began the first time I heard “you say bitch like it’s a bad thing.”
During an unstoppable, uncontrollable and out of proportion rage I became willing to embrace & dance with all of me this year. That led to my emerging from a deep inner conviction that shadow is darkness and darkness causes/spreads evil. There’s a darkness yet it has an innocence to it, not evil.
Embracing and dancing with my shadow has been exponentially liberating. Truly.
Sounds like you’re on your way, Jeri. Some individuals take to the process with less resistance than others.
Lincoln: “It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”
Leonard Cohen: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
For theists, the same rationale can apply to their notions of the Perfect God, in my view.
Thank you for this article and for many other helpful ones on this site. From one only child to another: you clearly have a gift!
– Mike, a hospital Chaplain and Jewish clergy
Thank you for the quotes and comments, Michael.
As I had time to meditate today, a realization came to me. I was being a vigilante for the abuse my inner child went through. So when I saw certain acts of deception or abuse happening around me it pissed me off and I acted. Not caring who got in my way. Not caring about the casualties. But then I realized where this came from, me not being able to protect myself as a child. I allowed abuse and deception and all of that to take place and then when people praised me I thought they loved me. I opened my email and saw your caption and it blew my mind. Like, “can he read my thoughts?” It was scary but confirmation. And I totally agree with this post. It was spot on. And it brought things to light for me on how I make my oldest son repress his feelings for his brother.
I can’t relate to everything you’re describing here, Jo. Praise is a powerful form of manipulation and “loving words” are often used to keep us confused about what’s actually going on and what’s been done to us.
As for reading your mind, Carl Jung would call that “synchronicity.”
I love this article. To be a good person is just a belief. It is interesting. In another word, are you saying we have to be what we are, complete personality by recognizing and accepting our bad parts.
How about the role of religion teaching or character building? Can you explain their functions?
As what my father, raised by Moslem father and Katolik mother, taught me with simple lines.
Eat good
Play good
And do good for others
In your life
Thank you.
In its highest form religion could help people progress through their development. In its general expression, however, religion stalls psychological development. Instead of bringing us closer to ourselves, religion most often creates a stronger divide between “good” and “bad” within us. It also leads us to place authority in something outside of ourselves, which ungrounds us.
As for that simple teaching: words sound nice, but we model our behavior based on the behavior of those around us (authority figures). And since our parents are relatively unconscious to their true behavior (over 90%), we learn to recite those words but follow the same destructive archetypal patterns as our parents — often without knowing it.
Thank you . I love reading your articles. At least this particular article has induced a great lesson in me. The more I try being a good person and pleasing others, the more I get hurt… I also think, trying to suppress your shadow, you are likely to develop psychological problem.
Yes, that’s true. It leads to repressed rage that influences our behavior in destructive ways.
I feel quite conflicted now. Parts of me acknowledge the sense in this, but it’s setting up a real, internal battle!
More accurately, now you’re bringing the internal battle to consciousness. It was always there — just below your awareness.
Wow! I love this article. It makes things so much clearer for me.
Example: When I admitted that I need regular breaks from my children it freed me to enjoy adult time with my partner while the children spend time with grandparents. When they come back they get a refreshed parent who’s in a better position to give them the attention and care they need and deserve.
Trying to run the “good person” program is like trying to go against gravity.
Indeed, Bulelwa. The good person program is certainly exhausting.
Hey Scott,
Thanks for the analogy of not being just a good person. Your point is well taken and yes I was taught to be a good person. I am aware of my darker side which sometimes I feel is in more control of my behavior than the good person. I’ve been accused of having a condescending look that my children do not like. I’m sure it was also felt in the work place. I was not aware I was projecting but reading your article I could see how this is one example of the darker side surfacing.
I come from a family with 5 siblings with no father in the home. Our Mom never remarried and devoted her life to raising the 5 of us. There was not much extra to go around and we all left at an early age to find our way to a better life. I always thought about doing it better than my Mom and Dad, However after 38 year of marriage our 36 year old son wants nothing to do with us. We are guilty of spoiling him thinking we were helping. Trying to set up some boundaries at 36 he is expressing some venomous hatred toward us.
So I see first hand how by not acknowledging my darker side during child raising did our son no favor. I also realize I didn’t do a better job at raising my kids than my Mom and Dad.
I will try to be more aware of my shadow behavior, although after 64 years of shadow development my shadow probably only lets me see what it wants me to see.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Steve
Hey Steve,
Your experience is probably more common than you might imagine. I would say that the majority of families are probably like this, but usually, everyone just continues to fake it (sometimes without acknowledging how much we are faking it).
You’ll know if you’ve begun to own your shadow when you no longer have any expectations from your son. You’ll have genuine shame and guilt from your actions, which is part of mature adulthood. But you won’t expect him to relate to you in any positive way (or at all).
Perhaps the main reason that adult children don’t want to interact with their parents isn’t because of the parent’s past emotional abuse and trauma. It’s usually because the parent is still unconscious of their behavior and so they continue to do the same things as before, albeit in more subtle ways.
You may find that when you begin to see things more clearly and own your behavior, your child’s attitude toward you may change. But for you to do that, you’ll need to process more of the unexpressed emotional trauma you experienced during your childhood. Whether or not you choose to do that, of course, is up to you.
When I read the list of values on other pages at this site, I noted that many were missing. For example, vindictiveness (vengeance), racism/intolerance, materialism, etc. Now after reading this about being whole rather than good, I wonder why they aren’t on the list of values?
Because core values represent idealized forms of behavior. They are aspirational in that they are meant to inspire us to find the best in us.
Otherwise, you’re correct. The list of values would need to include, money, sex, materialism, consumerism, rage, and many others.
We don’t need to aspire to the lowest common denominator as we tend to start there. Shadow work is about being honest with what’s driving our behavior in the present. Then, by developing greater consciousness, other ideals begin to take precedence.
Knowing your shadow makes it easier to live your values.
Hi Scott,
Very interesting article. I believe in Shadow work, however, still not a complete master of it. I have, though, realised based on your writing that I am deep in the process:) Do you think Shadow internalisation is parallel work with spiritual awakening (as a matter of fact causing a feeling of ‘having slept through one’s life‘ until the process has been started and partially shadow work effectuated)?
Second question: Having lived behind the ‘pink glasses or cloud some say‘ before the shadow work, and, as a consequence of Shadow work seeing the hard and sometimes tough reality does not it lead to depression and anxiety (exactly the same way as you described good persons arrive to eventually)as if Shadow work has never started at all?
Looking forward to your answers!
Kind regards,
Virag
Hi Virag,
I’ve never met a “master” of shadow work before. I’m not sure that’s the goal.
To answer your first question, I think if someone genuinely engages in the process of getting to know and integrating their shadow, that most of the excitement around “spiritual awakening” will fall away. But yes, that feeling you describe is accurate as you begin to see the lie you’ve been living. And you also begin to see how fake and phony the world around us is too.
Shadow work can lead to anxiety and depression, but that’s mainly when individuals have high levels of ego inflation (which seems to be most of us in the modern world who think we’re “special”). Crashing from our castles in the sky can make the Tyrant in us feel down (not elevated).
But when the process is done correctly, it’s more grounding than it is depressing. And anxiety should lessen.
Thank you for your answers Scott! You triggerred two more questions, I am afraid:(
So how can someone go through the Shadow work ‘correctly’ as you say?
Also, if its correct that the ‘excitement about spiritual awakening will fall’ when going through shadow work, and ‘one gets more grounded’ does that mean that all ‘crazy fun’ will also extinguish and a sort of “flatness” sets in?
Kind regards,
Virag
I offer an in-depth course called Shadow Training that goes into the details. It would be difficult to go through details in a simplistic reply. You need the right context (understanding) and then the application of methods that bring you to the desired result.
What “crazy fun” are you referring to?
It seems like, most of us live with a mask/ masks on all our lives. And how do you know, whether this shadow is actually your friend or foe?
We actually live with many masks (called personas).
It’s less about friend or foe. It’s more about bringing the unconscious to consciousness so that it doesn’t rule our lives (without us even knowing it).
Well I know this and for about a month I have been trying to stop acting well because I knew its consequences and feel better but are there more ways to help me get rid of this? Also, if you have any advice to help me?
What exactly are you trying to get rid of?
The purpose of this article is to highlight how our self-identity (false self) is telling us that we’re good while beneath it (our shadow), we’re not (in terms of our hidden thoughts, attitudes, feelings, etc.). So what exactly are you trying to rid yourself of?
Be a good and perfect person. I would like to get rid of this programming. Sometimes I feel under the programming and I cannot find out what it is
The point of the article and of shadow integration, in general, is that you’re NOT a good person.
We only think we’re good people, which is why we have a difficult time getting to know our shadow. Assume you’re not a good person and listen more carefully to the thoughts, attitudes, and feelings you’re currently running away from.
Once you begin to hear this on-going “negative” internal dialogue, it will be more difficult to identify with being a “good person.”
hi scott i am reading your articles and i learn a lot of knew concepts and tools from them thanks.
i am a religious jew from Jerusalem .
and i am learning and seeking answers in the topics you are dealing with.
i think and believe that one should aim and want to become a better or a ”good” person in simple things just like saying hello with a smile and trying to be nice to people. and ultimately bringing something of value to this world that others can benefit from it.
i do think that one should know himself in order to grow and work on himself, in this way i think knowing your subconscious is a very important aspect in the process of really becoming a better person (but not a perfect one) which is a great goal for me.
Yes, we are all taught to behave well around others and to be cordial in society. But what if when you’re smiling and saying hello to someone, deep within you, you’re wishing them harm, judging them, or hating them?
If you identify yourself with being a “good person,” would you have any way of hearing or acknowledging these darker thoughts, attitudes, and feelings?
Or, would you simply smile and say hello, and feel good about yourself for “being good”?
Do you see the distinction here? The more you get to know your shadow, the more emphasis you’ll place on your internal terrain. For example, you may begin to notice how often you smile when you don’t actually want to. You’ll begin to observe how the way you act is most often fake and disingenuine.
But you won’t be able to come to this realization as long as you have the “good person program” running.
This has helped me a great deal. Right now, today/tonight I am dealing with an extremely negative, hurtful person. I am vulnerable as far as this person goes at the moment and this is being used against me. I have been struggling all day with my feelings, wanting to be a happy, positive, good person and my extreme feelings of disgust and hatred towards this person. I have not as yet read about the shadow side of ourselves though I fully intend to now. Thank.you.
One thing that most people don’t seem to realize is that the only way to be “happy and positive” when you’re going through a difficult period with someone is to be psychotic. That is, let go wanting to be happy and positive with that isn’t the appropriate emotional response to the situation. Our cultural bias toward happiness and optimism just might be creating more suffering than many folks realize.
Thank you Scott. It’s great to be able to communicate with an unbiased person. I don’t want to be happy and positive with this person. I have tried and he does not warrant this reaction from me. I just don’t want him to affect me in any other area of my life. He is my landlord which I am working towards changing very soon.
Right. So if you can accept that you’ll have negative emotions while you’re in your current living situation, you won’t have the added tension of wanting/needing to change it. There are ways of undoing these negative emotions, but they take time and training.
Yes very true though he seems to intensely dislike my growing independence and happiness after recovering from 2 years of ill health and constantly tries to bring me down. I am stronger than this but it is very challenging. You are so right, accept it the way it is until I can move on. Thank you
Hi again Scott, I have just read a little about the shadow self. I’m just wondering about something. I see my landlord as an extremely manipulative person. I don’t see myself like this. Am I wrong, or is my strong reaction due to my vulnerability at the moment?
Hi Leonie. Yes, from the perspective of getting to know your shadow, your landlord is your mirror.
We are ALL manipulative under the right conditions. If you don’t know how you manipulate others, then this represents an aspect of your shadow. And when you own this disowned quality, you will not have such a strong emotional response towards your landlord.
For more on manipulation, see the Magician archetype guide: https://scottjeffrey.com/magician-archetype/
Manipulation is a shadow quality of our cognition.
Thank you Scott. It dawned on me recently that I was here to learn some lessons from him.
The more you can see your landlord as you, the more you will have integrated that aspect of your shadow.
Yes I will have to work on this. I find the concept, as far as he goes, very difficult, as we are very different in many ways.
Yes, we are told that we’re all different. And so we tend to view others through the lens of difference instead of similarities.
But the more you get to know your shadow, the more you see that you’re just like everyone else (in terms of desires, impulses, needs, qualities, etc.)
We are all far more alike than we are different (despite appearances to the contrary).
Humanistic psychology demonstrates this well.
Thanks Scott. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me and try to help me understand.
This person has become abusive. Screaming at me for no reason that I have caused. Luckily a friend is with me. I am not like him. This may be an extreme situation.
Reading this article has prompt me to do deeper study in my Christian faith. As a Christian it’s easy to cast right and wrong and believe that all wrong is bad and all good is good. As Paul wrote in the Bible, “the things that I don’t want to do I do in the things that I want to do I don’t do”. I’d like to explore that with this concept of acknowledging my Darkside.
Doug.
Sounds like an interesting area of inquiry for you, Doug.
Thank you for this article, I always felt shame for my dark side. To know that it’s ok to love ALL of me as I am is helpful, however there is more work to be done. Thanks again.
You’re welcome, Matthew.
Also, you don’t need to necessarily “love” all of you; the point is that you have to “accept” all of you if you are to move toward great levels of wholeness.
I truly agree. Christianity fructifies the evil as The Devil/ Satan. I come from India. In India, we have myths of gods ( devas) who behaved badly and demons (asuras) who are ‘good’. I think this is a more holistic and wholesome view of religious personalities. Christianity has religious personalities that are wholly good and wholly bad. I think this thinking persists in the people who follow Christianity. For the record, I am also a Christian.
Yes, Jerry. Both Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell made this observation as well. Prior to Christianity, this ultra-clear dividing line between “good” and “evil” did not exist in the West either.
Arghhh … I am currently working on my own shadow and it’s probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do … the hardest is trying to get my family to understand this … they are still perfect (we all come from a perfectionist background) and I am now the one who destroyed their lives blah blah blah because I have changed and they haven’t yet. I have 2 young grandbabies (under 5) and I am hoping to help them to become “whole” rather than “perfect” … I have gained much self awareness through your articles and guides … Thank you Scott :)
I can relate to your experience, Linda.
If I may, I have a suggestion that can save you a great deal of time and energy:
Let go of wanting to change anyone else — or expecting that they ever will change.
Unless put into a position where they have no choice, most people will NEVER change. The conditioning from childhood and their current environment is simply too strong.
Also, since you said you’re working with your shadow, watch the tendency to want to change others. That’s an ego trick to avoid personal responsibility. (Yes, even with your grandkids. In this case, you can simply seek to do less harm by, for example, not spoiling them.)
The best you can do is cultivate the change within yourself.
Once I asked in my inner conversations to my higher self, why did you create a shadow. I got the answer as I created the Shadow to know who I am, meaning that when we become aware of the Shadow and transcend that we know that we are beyond that, the amazing infinite Self. After that I do not fee that part ofShadow troubling me anymore. I still may have so many more shadows to work on…
The more I see good, the more I can see evil. And when I say evil – think Immortality-Inducing Aggonizers (if you are a Trekky you know what I’m talking about) feeding an AI – type of dystopia :) So, YES – balancing the opposites is very important. Still struggling with it time to time :)
“Still struggling with it time to time”
As we all do, Simeon!