OVERVIEW: The guide explores the pitfalls of perceiving yourself as a “good person.” (And no, I’m not suggesting you should see yourself as “bad” either.)
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โYouโre such a good boy, Daniel.โ
โSarah, that was a nice thing you did. Youโre a sweetheart.โ
Did you hear phrases like this when you were younger?
If youโre a parent, have you said something similar to your child? This form of praise starts in early childhood. Our parents, family members, and teachers innocently install it in us (as the prior generation did to them).
โGood boy/girlโ praise gives children a sense of pride and approval from their parents. This praise gets anchored into the childโs mind.
Good behavior brings rewards. Expressing negative emotions and unacceptable behavior (“being bad”) leads to disapproval or punishment.
Sit Down, Sit Up Straight, and Mind Your Manners
All parents want well-behaved children. Yet, all children misbehave.ย The good boy/girl program is a tool parents use to inhibit misbehavior.
Although it works to a degree, as we’ll see, this belief in pure goodness hinders the individual’s psychological development into mature adulthood.
We all have a complete range of emotions and impulsesโpositive to negative.ย And we each possess the capacity for love and hate, peace and anger, joy and depression.
Sure, we would prefer to experience only love, peace, and joy. But these qualities always come with their opposite.
In early childhood, we cannot repress this emotional energy. When parents instruct their children to be “good boys and girls” they’re forcing them to push down negative emotions and impulses their environment doesn’t accept.
This repression creates what analytic psychology calls a shadow.ย Children then drag this bag of repressed emotions, qualities, and impulses behind them into adulthood.
The Mind’s Wondrous Capacity for Self-Deception
Psychology is beginning to understand the role of the unconscious mind.1Bargh JA, Morsella E. The Unconscious Mind. Perspect Psychol Sci. 2008;3(1):73-9.ย Studies show most of human behavior is unconscious.
Consider what this means: weโre not aware of whatโs motivating most of our actions, thoughts, and decisions.
As an example, take Kathleen Vohsโ research on money priming.2https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26214169 If someone dropped a box of pencils as you walked by, would you help pick them up?
Vohs ran experiments to see how exposure to money (in this case, Monopoly money from the board game) affects peopleโs behavior.
She found that when people were โprimedโ with Monopoly money, they picked up fewer pencils than when they werenโt exposed to money.
No way, you might exclaim. YOU might be unaware of your behavior. But I know what Iโm doing and why I do it!
The human mindโs capacity for self-deception is infinite.ย People who believe in pure goodness are capable of the most unscrupulous evils.
How Good Intentions Turn into Poor Behavior
Outside of our awareness, our lesser qualities express themselves through our unconscious behavior.
Parents, for example, who believe they love their children unconditionally are often unaware of their repressed hatred toward them.ย This hatred influences the parent’s behavior and the child’s well-being.
When parents spoil their children, for instance, they encourage selfishness and narcissistic tendencies.
No parent would consciously choose to spoil their children; spoiled children are annoying to be around and these children struggle more when they reach adulthood.ย And yet most parents and grandparents spoil their children in varying ways. Why?
Parents spoil their children largely because of unconscious guilt.ย They spoil not out of love, but because they fail to admit their feelings of hatred toward their children. (โI would never hate my child.”)
Instead, they feel good about pleasing their children without concern for the long-term consequences of their children’s development or well-being.ย Itโs why the proverb says, โThe road to hell is paved with good intentions.โ
In identifying yourself as a โgood person,โ you will consciously try to do only good for yourself and others.
But your shadow sideโall the unowned and unrecognized stuff in your psycheโfinds a way of expressing itself whether you want it to or not.
The Good Person Program Always Turns Bad
Psychiatrist Carl Jung is often quoted saying, โIโd rather be whole than good.โ
Individuals integrating their darker parts know about their โless-than-goodโ tendencies. They have a choice in how they respond to their environment.
Those who perceive themselves to be purely “good people,” lack this choice. They often behave poorly while believing they are acting for the highest good.
When you ignore the feelings of hatred, for example, it often expresses itself without your awareness.
You might shame someone with a glance of disapproval.ย Or, you might reject someone by avoiding eye contact. It may be subtle, but on a subconscious level, the recipient will feel the emotional message.
If you acknowledge and welcome the emotion of hatred, you can release it.ย Then, you can communicate with love or neutrality.
If you ignore or deny the emotion, the feeling will express itself through you.ย Trying to be a good person at all times is the surest route to depression and anxiety.
Why? Because when we repress parts of what we are, those parts find ways to hijack our psyche.
What we resist, grows stronger.
What Happens When You Free Yourself of This Erroneous Belief
In letting go of the idea that you have to be a good person, you liberate yourself.
Now, you can acknowledge and integrate different aspects of yourself you previously denied.
Doing so frees up a tremendous amount of creative energy you can direct towards your interests and dreams.
It can also help heal your body, for the majority of our illnesses are caused by repressed emotions.
Traditional Chinese Medicine and ancient Taoist practices like Qigong are built on this understanding.
A few Western medical pioneers like Dr. John Sarno, author of The Mindbody Prescription, demonstrate this too.
Also, when you free yourself of this belief, your capacity to accept others will increase.
As you observe your unconscious motivations, you’ll be more understanding of the behaviors of others.
The Good Person Litmus Test
The goal, as I see it, is total acceptance of yourself as you are.
In my process, Iโve found the “good person” programming to be formidable. As an only child, I was often praised, usually without merit.
When I peer past all the false ideas of pure goodness, I often encounter resistance.
But through continual self-reflection on my motives and behavior, I begin to see a less flattering, but more accurate reality of my personality.
To evaluate if youโre running the โgood personโ program, consider these questions:
- Are you aware of the negative emotions that arise throughout the day?
- Do you believe itโs wrong to feel hatred towards the people you’re supposed to love?
- When you witness โpoor behaviorโ in others (dishonesty, judgment, deception), do you acknowledge those same impulses within yourself?
- Are you aware of frequent feelings of envy and jealousy?
- Do you see yourself as a good person without accepting the darker parts of your personality?
Be honest. This is between you and you.
How to Dismantle the Good Person Program
First, realize that โIโm a good person,โ is just a belief. Evaluate for yourself if this idea serves you.
If you weren’t praised as a child, this belief wouldn’t even be in your mental model and this discussion would be meaningless.
That is, in the beginning, you didn’t choose to have this belief about goodness.
Second, if you determine this idea doesn’t serve you anymore, let it go. It’s just an idea, a program someone gave you. It means nothing.
Third, consider a concept that might be more inclusive, like I am a whole being. I accept myself, including the darker parts.
Accept that we are complex beings with opposing tensions within us. Itโs okay to hate your children, family, and friends at times; it doesnโt mean you donโt also love them.
As Jungian Robert Johnson writes in his classic He:
It seems that it is the purpose of evolution now to replace an image of perfection with the concept of completeness or wholeness. Perfection suggests something all pure, with no blemishes, dark spots, or questionable areas. Wholeness includes the darkness but combines it with the light elements into a totality more real and whole than any ideal.
Fourth, watch your emotions and thoughts throughout the day, especially your interaction with others.
The Vital Transition from “Good” to Whole
The reason self-deception is so common is that most of us lack the emotional awareness to catch all of our “darker” thoughts and impulses and the self-honesty to admit them.
To assist you with this process, it’s important to develop self-observation skills. It will give you space between you and your unconscious impulses and feelings.
Shadow work exercises allow you to get to know and befriend your darker parts.
If youโre a dreamer, can you imagine a world where everyone owns his or her inner demons?
How much family tension would instantly unravel?
What would happen to the divorce rate?
Would there be war?
When someone asked Jung if World War III was inevitable, he said, โSuch a war could only be avoided if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves.โ
Read Next
The Ultimate List of Over 300 Archetypes
A Complete Master List of Virtues
What Do You Think?
Leave your thoughts and comments about being a good person below.
A blueprint for personal growth. Many thanks for your insights and wisdom, Scott.
You’re most welcome. Thanks for your comment, Werner.
I appreciate the article .. and im just going through this now (it started in real about 3 months ago) but my question of Jung’s idea that you must recognize your shadow and its :darkness: which i agree is there, but what if by watching and visually experiencing “evil” it has now been explored and can be flushed from the consciousness?
Your question is cleary to me, Don.
Essentially, you are your shadow. We only think we’re something else — what’s been called our False Self. Through mechanisms like repression and dissociation, we get cut off from these qualities, but they are still there.
In getting to know your shadow, you’re getting to know who you are by integrating all of the parts of you that you disowned in the course of your development.
This Earth Plane experience inherently comers with life lessons (shadow) opportunities to take incremental steps toward our perfection. Life is a school all the way as we ,hopefully , mediate imperfections (shadows) to the next level.
Thelma
Great observations. I would like to hear more about the line of demarcation between shadow impulses/thoughts and shadow acts. Hitler and the like aside, children may express shadow actions. How does Jung propose we properly respond to shadow actions?
Thank you, Garret. By “shadow actions,” do you mean doing something that’s “bad” (that’s inconsistent with your identity or doing something that you’re not aware that you’re doing?
Children’s actions are largely a result of their observations. They absorb the unconscious behaviors of their parents, for example, and then reflect these behaviors back to their parents through their actions.
We should have been taught this in school in order to take care of our selves correctly but I am grateful I’ve learned it now.
I’ve often felt the same way, Christina. There’s an unfortunate reason why we’re not taught this in school, however. When you don’t understand this distinction, it’s easy for “authorities” to manipulate and control you. Shame and guilt become a tool for manipulation.
Your philosophical approach while well outside traditional good bad, right wrong teachings or practices, is in line with far eastern philosophies. The key to which primarily is “balance”. Which you somewhat implied but did not mention. The one thing that stuck out to me was the use if not over use of the word hate and/or concept of it. While I’m sure some people hate “parenthood”, I find it difficult to rationalize or except people actually
“hating” children. Much less they’re own.
Basically I disagree with anything synonymous hatred. If there’s one thing that will lead one to hell,, it’s hatred.
I try to stay away from the word “balance” because it seems too ambiguous and subjective to me. (Think “work-life balance”.)
I used to have a similar attitude as you toward hatred, but after years of getting to know my shadow, I now find it this aversion toward hatred problematic.
From my experience, for what it’s worth, repressing hatred causes more damage than anything else. (For this reason alone, most people are disconnected from their shadow.)
Hatred doesn’t lead to hell. Repressed hatred leads to a hellish experience.
We are taught not to hate — usually by those harboring their own subconscious hatred. And so this hatred grows in us. The more you come to understanding and integrate your unconscious (and open your pineal), the more you may also see that hatred runs through us — like it or not.
Denying anything in us makes it grow stronger. Getting to know these parts and expressing them in non-destructive ways leads to greater “balance.”
And in terms of a parent feeling hatred towards his/her child (who largely represents a projection of something from within the parent):
You might need to ask yourself: If it was true, and you could easily observe this reality, would you be open and willing to seeing it? (And it’s okay if the honest answer is “no.)”
Perhaps hatred is too strong a word for some, and dislike may be easier to relate to.
Indeed, that’s true. But here’s the thing: for those who find hatred to be too strong a word, it is hatred that festers in their unconscious.
Many of us were told and conditioned by our parents not to use the word “hate” when we were going up. And as a consequence, these individuals have deeper reservoirs of rage and aggression flowing through them. Sadly, this is how the psyche works.
When we deny a word like hate, we repress it. And whatever we repress, grows stronger …
This reminds of the title of the book.
The taboo of knowing one’s self. People are afraid of things ,like the dark inside themselves. Why in all the years of talk therapy did I just found in 55 years . It all makes more sense now .Myself ,friends all humans subject to this dark projector in are mind. Thank you Scott
Yes, Lorring. Alan Watts was a wonderful writer and lecturer. We are all, for the most part, running away from what’s inside of us.
Hi Scott. Firstly, I’m so glad that I found your website and would like to say a huge thank you for all of the insightful information! Would it be possible to elaborate on this response please? I would be fascinated to understand the reason and your personal perspective in more detail. In addition, could you specify if this is just with regards to shadow work/integration and what do you feel would be beneficial to teach children to become more integrated, whole beings? Thanks in advance!
I used to think that I was good and tried my best to please everybody….until I was bullied at work.Then I stopped pleasing everybody,said no to everything that was not required in my work,hated the bully openly and my life changed and so did the school as there was no more food garden,no more eco club,no more free transport or me bringing in personal equipment to repair things etc.I went home early every day,got my work in on time and became super happy and relaxed.I quit that job last year as it was draining my energy and made a career as well as a new country move as I had freed my mind and myself.I am not the nice person anymore,but professional and accurate,especially when it comes to time and I start and knock off on the dot.I dont even donate my time to others….pay me overtime if you want me to work longer.I have future dreams again and not nightmares and I look forward to new future challenges and no one gets in my way.Wish I had done this earlier in life.
That’s awesome, Natascha. Sounds like you owned your warrior energy — instead of succumbing to the bully or the wimp.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
This is again an excellent article. I love reading your articles as they are thought-provoking, action-oriented, always including great questions for self-reflection and with enough links to further study the big journey to Mature. I believe the theme of this one hits a very basic obstacle for us to spiritually grow. Our attempts to be โgoodโ contain most likely feelings of shame and guilt, as we believe to be โbadโ or to use the Christian term we are โSinnersโ. I struggled with this theme for the last years and I am just now starting to accept myself more the way I am, really appreciating the discovery of shadows as a way of coming to know myself better. It is a conscious turning inward. I appreciate your articles on my Journey. Would love to see a big web of all your articles! Keep on. Thank you.
Thanks for the comments, Margarita. Indeed, shame and guilt are intrinsically linked to this idea of goodness. In fact, shame and guilt are the fuel behind the “good person program.”
If you “behave,” then you’re good. If you misbehave, then you’re a Sinner. And being a Sinner is bad, so it evokes shame and guilt that are either felt consciously or repressed.
In a close study of Western religions, I’ve come to see that shame and guilt are largely a byproduct, if not a creation, of Western monotheistic religions. It is likely that they were tools used to control the masses. And now, they exist within our psyche, so we can continue to run the same program — even if we don’t grow up with religion directly.
I got the perfect proverb for you:)
“Every Saint has a Past & every Sinner has a Future”
I was not praised when I was a kid-quite the opposite. I was a normal kid albeit sensitive and I was told I was bad and was verbally and physically abused. I coped by being as โgoodโ as I could be.
Anita, so in your situation, your parent(s) expressed what other parents repressed. In this way, you may have less internal confusion than those who were praised often.
Someone who is praised has to come down from their inflation, usually into their deflation/ depression, until finally arriving in their Center (assuming they are doing inner work).
In the cases of external abuse that is still in memory, there’s usually more deflation to contend with.
But the “coping to being as ‘good’ as you can” is what almost all of us do as children. That’s why everyone has a shadow.
kind a had something similar parents were mental abusers and grandparent were more into praises and gave what ever you wanted so I’m guessing they were maybe feeling guilty? how do I pick my self up be good enough…it is a stuggle
The first thing to keep in mind is that your parents were following a similar pattern from your grandparents. It’s usually difficult to see this, but grandparents mask their real attitudes as they get older. But if you carefully watch how your parents and their parents interact, you’re likely to see the aggression (or passive-aggressive) tendencies.
To your question, there’s no easy answer to this except to realize that despite whatever trauma you endured, you’re still here.
Good enough for what exactly?
Hi Anita – it sounds like your childhood was similar to mine. I am sensitive also, and I grew up with the message to not bother anyone, to be pleasant and please others. No conflict allowed. This led to my suppressing darker sides of myself. I appreciate this topic because I’m now learning to not judge myself when I do feel darker emotions and do not want to please others. I realize I have a choice now, and following that doesn’t make me a bad person.
Anita, this is also something that I have written about in my memoir. I was never praised for anything ‘good’ that I did. I did hear things such as, “She was so brave when then stitched her leg, she didn’t make a peep.”
“Jean is a bookworm, she sits for hours reading quietly.”
I learned that being seen but not heard was the best route to take – they liked that behavior.
Anita, I grew up with the same experience as you,
except it made me rebel and become a “Bad Girl”.
Every time I “tried” to be good, I had the same ex-
perience. “No good deed goes un-punished”. So what is the point of being good?
I would implore everyone to read The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters. The book explains why we think how we think, a logical explanation of the brain and mind. Once there is a scientific understanding of how the brain works, it is easier to work on the shadow.
I am in the beginning stages of my self exploration journey, and a virgin to this blog. I found this article interesting and had to read a few times to digest as I consciously and subconsciously teach my children good vs bad. If I were to transition out of this behavior help me understand what does it transition to for my children. If they have an emotional moment, currently I am correcting or suppressing the behavior. Is this suggesting that I donโt? If I do allow the behavior help me understand in very practical terms what that looks like. Very basic stuff like a 5 yr old snatching or not sharing.
Alisha, the key thing to understand as a parent is that our children are observing our behaviors and absorbing our psychic energy FAR more than they are processing our words.
So most of the battle is still an internal one: the more centered the parent, the more centered the child. The more unconscious and out of control the parent, the more possessed by various archetypes the child becomes.
From this context, it’s not as much about what to say to your kids and more about internally monitoring yourself to observe what in you may be triggering certain behaviors in your kids.
And consider this: Is it okay not share? Is it okay to be greedy?
Your child learned not to share from someone in his or her environment. (We all do — subtlely at home or not-so-subtlely at school.) By forcing the child to share now, you’re demanding the child repress rage in their unconscious (which will store up in their body over time).
What if the only way to arrive at authentic generosity is to fully express our greediness first?
And what if few of us ever experience this authentic generosity as adults because we weren’t allowed to express this greediness as children?
As I mentioned in another comment response: what we resist, grows stronger.
Good stuff, thanks
You’re welcome, Joe!
Good article. I realize that there is a lot to deal with as a parent for my children to be whole rather than good boys or girls.
That’s true, Constance. The challenge is that we don’t understand the level of our own fragmentation and so we necessarily create the same divide in our children. But we can begin to stop the cycle that goes on generation after generation by turning toward our inner life.
I’ve enjoyed a number of your articles and believe we share an uncommon amount of perspective and perception. Though Canadian, I lived in the US for 20+ years but have been working in and around Asia all my (educational) career. I was intrigued at why the East’s thinking processes, notions, and perspectives were completely opposite to the West’s. That got me studying dualisms, dipolar energy, the nature of personality and how it explicates through opposites, etc. This brought me into Jungian notions and others who based their paradigms on such. So finding your work has been serendipitous and meaningful. You have a gift to say simply what is profound. I just wrote a book on Narcissism and its Lovechild, Enmeshment, that explores so many notions I have now found in your writings as well. I would really like to submit this to you for your review … for I think we have a synergy that would be meaningful to explore.
Hi Perry, These types of synergies are always interesting to encounter. It’s as if we already know all of this material, but we are re-learning it again now (re-search, to search again).
Feel free to reach out to me via the contact link in the footer.
Just purchased your book(The Great Controversy: The Struggle within Consciousness between the Psyche and his Community) Can’t wait for it to arrive. I’m a writer too, but French. I’ve been teaching a lot about the shadow in various books. It’s strongly believe that it’s the way to go to reach the light!
Excellent post! As an Inspirational speaker and coach I introduce this concept by talking about specialness, as it manifests as self-importance or self-unimportance. I demonstrate that they are sides of the same coin. I often utilize the Taijitu as a symbol for those integration.
That’s a good point, Paula. Specialness is another consequence of praising. It creates an ego construct that wants to feel “better than” while secretly feeling “less than” — self-importance, and self-unimportance, as you say.
Is it wrong to make your children feel that they are special to you? In their entirity?
I can not respond to your question as it was asked. Wrong or right, etc.
But the important thing is to reflect on why you might think it’s necessary to express (in words) to your children that they are important to you.
Children (and adults) mainly learn by observing behavior. Many parents consistently tell their children how “important” or “special” they are to them. But their behaviors, attitudes, and actions often show otherwise. On a subconscious level, the child can feel the manipulation and incongruency (which generally only comes to consciousness if one engages in inner work later in life).
Either way, in my understanding, a child does not need to be told they are “special” — nor do they need to feel “special.” They mainly need to feel safe — emotionally and physically.
Well written! How ever some demons are hard to beat, even you know all about them.
Personally, I love self-analysis but sometimes it feels like you go too far and lose in the disbelief that you understand nothing. Maybe it’s just me. :)
Yes, I know what you mean, Laisvis. That’s why it’s important to be fully grounded when you do any type of self-analysis. We also need to be fully engaged in life too.
In terms of “beating demons,” this is a problematic concept — a remnant of various religious teachings. You don’t “beat a demon” as much as you integrate that impulse into your consciousness. In attempting to beat or dominate a “demon,” you are only making it stronger.
Itโs always a pleasure to read your work Scott. Very elegant, insightful and readable pieces. And everything on Shadow Work is especially fascinating to me. I look forward to seeing more. All the best.
Thank you for your feedback, Nevena.
More to come!
I could not agree more. The past year of my life has involved deep, deep work in addressing my “shadow side” and learning to accept and allow “negative” emotions. It is very healing. Thank you for sharing this and for your work in helping people become whole. I share that mission.
That’s great to hear, Heidi. Thank you for posting your comments.
Thanks for all the wisdom, Scott. Your daily e-mails help me tremendously and each entry on your website makes me question more about myself and challenge me to grow.
You’re most welcome, Pรฎngฤ.
“Live the questions,” as poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote.
I regret that I only learned to recognize the contents of my shadow through the strength of my feelings – hatred, jealousy, judgementalism, criticism etc etc AFTER I had damaged relationships!
Feeling regret is a normal aspect of adulthood, Carol. We most often only learn about ourselves by reflecting back. And rarely do we like what we see. (That might be why many people don’t reflect back.)
At one time or another most of us have felt like we have the archetypes of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. One person I know claims he could actually see these beings when he was small. Whether real or just perceived, would these influences be considered part of our shadow? Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the ‘devil’ 90% of the time? Would this change by doing shadow work or is conscious recognition in itself ‘shadow work’?
Can karmic debt be uncovered and removed by doing shadow work?
Hi Colleen. The shadow is a term used to describe everything in a person’s shadow to which they are not aware. If you see a devil in your reflection, and you don’t recognize it as a part of you, then yes, it represents an aspect of your shadow.
You asked, “Why is it that most people knowingly choose to listen to the โdevilโ 90% of the time?” I’m not sure I agree with this. Most people perceive themselves to be “good.” We might listen to the devil in us, but we generally don’t consider it to the “devil’s voice” in most cases. And it is for this reason that we listen to it.
Yes, only by getting to know one’s shadow and integrating these disowned aspects of us do have then have the choice of which voices to listen to and which ones to dialogue with.
As for karmic debt, to this I’m uncertain. Shadow work can bring a sense of guilt for our behavior to our conscious minds. Staying present with this guilt can perhaps remove a form of karmic debt, which ultimately represents running a similar pattern in the future.
Concerning my communication I often feel that I need to be a good person to not hurt other’s feelings. But I get mad when people hurt my feelings with what they say. Then i harbor a resentment.
I want to be more honest in expressing my emotions and not use snitty remarks or sarcasm to hide my anger.
I want to be my whole self in my communication and learn to express my emotions honestly even though it may hurt someone’s feelings.
Hi Sunny,
What you’re looking for is to learn how to be assertive. It is an essential component for mature adulthood that few of us master (I’m not one of them either).
Aggressiveness and passive-aggressiveness are two sides of the same coin. Assertiveness is in the middle.
Also, when you become more conscious of the archetypal patterns of behavior that operate within us, a greater understanding arises as to why we are constantly hurting each other and ourselves.
This reminds me of Winnicottโs false self – being good and nice for narcissistic parents, a mirror and extension of their needs and wishes) while the authentic self is hidden.
Hi Jo, I hadn’t heard of Winnicott before, but I just read up on his concept of True Self and False Self, and yes, it is very similar. The False Self, in the context here, is the Shadow. The True Self is what lies beyond it after the Shadow is integrated.
I believe the collective consciousness is very powerful and we can achieve real greatness if the masses where involved… I definitely love the idea of integrating the shadow self it will be hugely beneficial for ones self as to be true to ones self you have to love every part – dark included!
I agree it is something we have be conditioned to from a child but if we can recognise it then we can start to make a change… thank you for the article it was really spoke and resonated.
Thank you for your comments, Gemma.
I’m not sure you can love every part, or if you need to, but rejecting different parts certainly doesn’t serve us.
I was not praised in the family but was in school. I ended up fleeing from the family home and pleasing the whole world.
Integrating that, I then looked at how i was not praised but was criticized at home and how I fought that and naturally continued to flee in order to go where it felt good.
After more inner work I ended up noticing I was totally frozen in the ‘neutral’ middle, between these responses, unable to make decisions and hating the questioner in me! Also blaming it for not being able to express my multiple emotions..
Accepting that part as a sort of Saviour, ie. allowing myself to ‘live the questions’ as well as simply feel my feelings, finally led me to observing the guilt and shame for not doing the ‘right thing’ or never quite being ‘perfect’. A long road eh! :)
And of course this ‘me’ continues to run in circles huh..
Yet..
Im now predominantly able to allow many different emotions and tensions to exist within me, whilst I also know that the process continues infinitely. Making friends and dancing with the authentic me is my gentle focus now. Wholeness is not ever ‘safe’ yet it feels much better than holding onto anything! Of course here language fails me since I don’t mean this as better than ‘whatever else’!? Life simply is :)
Thank you for this immense resource you have created.
I think you expressed the process of inner work well, Biljana.
One thing: I believe it’s less about “making friends with your authentic self” and more about stripping away what you’re not. The real self just is.
Hi Scott.. yes yes.. Was just seeing that I didn’t manage to say the last bit well (talk about needing to be perfect! lol) as I hit the reply button.. Was going to add myself, that to me we simply are, and in my experience, as we are tryly one with the universe, we and the universe are neither good or bad, or you can also say we are both of those.. One thing universe (we) are though, in my seeing, is benevalent and compassionate.. hence no need to try much, just be! But it is ok too that we try, for we as children mainly just want to love, want to do well for our parents and the world.. Thats ok.. As we mature, we also learn to forgive.. and like that get closer and closer to being one with that compassion..
Anyways, all this to say it is usually in the trying to be good or anything else that lies the problem.. Ie. trying to be ‘somebody’.. Hence, as you point out so well, our work is only to stop getting in the way of our true selves.. a sort of working backwards for our rather active mind ;)
So yes.. thank you.. see and agree..
I sensed what you understood what I was clarifying, Biljana. I was making the clarification more for other readers. ;)
Great and thank you for saying that Scott.. I sense that you stand behind your words and this, to be honest, is rather refreshing, online. It is the sole reason I am commenting here, as I normally don’t engage in this way!
Actually unsure if ‘stand behind your words’ exists as an expression in English! Its how it came so I went with it :) but for clarification again I meant that it feels that you practice what you say, plus are present :)
Thank you, Biljana. I understand what you mean. :)
I think the problem may be more with “niceness” and the desire to be liked rather than goodness per se. After all, if goodness was no longer to be valued or pursued at all, what imperative would there be to do Shadow work? To put it bluntly, why should we care that we have become or are becoming self-righteous judgmental hypocrites who are destructive of ourselves and others, whose professed values bear no relation to our actual behaviour? I would certainly agree about the danger of a false image of oneself as a good person.
The desire to be liked may act as a motive for refraining from some of the more outrageous forms of human evil, but it can also lead us to refrain from doing or saying the right thing when it is difficult, may make one unpopular, or risks making one appear arrogant or judgmental (there may of course be a real risk of becoming those things, but that is another issue).
Some repression appears necessary as part of becoming civilised human beings (as otherwise as adults we would say cruel things without regard to how this hurt others’ feelings, stare at or touch people of one’s preferred gender without regard to whether or not this made them uncomfortable, and assault or murder people we got angry with) but clearly it is not without cost, hence the need for Shadow work.
Based on your comments, Alexander, I’m not sure if you read the entire article all the way through or not. If you read it all the way through, your tensions will likely be resolved.
Goodness isn’t the desired result of shadow work in any way. Note that goodness isn’t one of the four or five noble virtues either.
You said, “repression appears necessary” — I would amend that statement to suppression is necessary. With repression, we don’t know what we’re feeling; that’s where the shadow comes in and the cause of so much of our confusion and conflict. With suppression, we have some level of awareness of the emotion and are regulating it as best we can.
When we perceive ourselves to be “good,” we truly have no idea what’s going on — what we’re doing, how we’re feeling, how we are affecting others, etc. And this identity with goodness, I can say from personal experience and experience working with many others, completely prohibits one’s ability to get to know one’s shadow (at any meaningful level).
It depends how you define “goodness”. For some, virtue would be synonymous; for goodness to be one of the virtues might appear superfluous. And I repeat: if good and evil do not matter at all, why bother with Shadow work? One might refrain from evil for selfish motives, from wanting to be liked to not wanting to go to prison, but one might equally decide that being a destructive hypocrite would increase one’s chances of achieving certain selfish goals. And how exactly is wholeness not “good “?
It appears to me we are at cross purposes as we are using words differently.What you call “goodness” I call “niceness”. Goodness for me is about true virtue and wholeness; niceness centres rather on the desire to appear good to oneself and others.
Perhaps it will be helpful if I clarify the driving message of this particular article on a practical level:
If you hold the belief that you are intrinsically a good person, you will NOT be able to get to know your shadow.
We can talk definitions and philosophize about the meaning of goodness for eons. But from my perspective, this doesn’t get us anywhere.
You do shadow work because it brings you back to yourself. You don’t do it become a more “civilized person” or good, upstanding member of society. If those are your drives, pick a religion and follow its rules. These motives, however, will prohibit you from getting to know and integrating your shadow. The benefits of this psychological integration are different than what one might expect.
I do not believe that I am an intrinsically good person. In point of fact, that is not what my religion actually teaches. Besides I know I am not from experience and encounters with my Shadow. And I did not say that the purpose of Shadow work was to become civilised; that is the purpose of suppression. Presumably the purpose of Shadow work is to become integrated or whole, in response to the repression undertaken during one’s “civilisation” by one’s parents, self and others. And I am sorry, but unless we can be clear about what we each mean by words, I fail to see how we can even have a decent conversation, let alone actually make any progress. You accused me of not having read the whole article; I am beginning to wonder if you have been reading my comments properly, which is fair enough given the sheer number you must get through. I hope that I am not being overly defensive or abrasive. I am not sure that there is a meaningful difference between psychotic logo, philosophy, and religion in this context. If anything, some psychological theories seem more “religious” than actual religions, which are more spiritual than they are given credit for.
“Psychology” not “psychotic logo” Confounded auto-correct.
Being nice: This is a social construct. It’s interpersonal and external in that it is in relation to others.
Being good: Can be interpersonal but is more of an internalized belief about oneself.
Neither of these represents the aim or goal of shadow work. Both being nice and being good are functions of passive shadow archetypes. Niceness is usually the wimp or masochist. Goodness is usually the Denying Innocent One (the passive side of the Manipulator) — using Robert Moore’s framework.
Perhaps this clears up any confusion in terminology?
Also, Western religions don’t teach that you are good. They actually imply that you are “bad” (thus shaming you) while telling you “should” be good.” Parents often do the same thing.
I will stand corrected on suppression versus repression, though the former sounds even stronger to me.
A lot of religious dogma is about righteousness and being eternally good, but doesn’t address the need to be whole well.
That’s true, Scott. I think that’s where parents subconsciously learned this tactic from. By teaching people to “be good,” they could control people. And it works quite well but at the cost of the individuals’ consciousness and sanity.
Your words touch my heart cause Iโm really not acting as a good person. I can say I play many roles in my life: mother, daughter, teacher, student ….. etc. So, I put my self in different situations as if I see world with more than two eyes. I think this experience learns me a lot to live peacefully with my self at the end. I know who am I, and what I want.
The thing to remember, Nada, is that in the modern world, there probably aren’t any “good people.” (I’ve never met any — not on a genuine level anyway.)
Once you let go of seeing yourself as a good person, you’re in a far better position to begin to observe your shadow and come to terms with who you are (as a personality).
Complex subject. How about becoming a “good person” with no direct praise. All children want/ need the love of their parents. I was basically told I was not good enough. I would bring home a 99% grade on a math test. I was excited to tell my mother. When I told her she said that was terrible. Math is your best subject. You should have gotten a 100%. So, I became performance oriented to get her love with a fixed mindset. Another example was when I was a kid, I would leave a trail of clothes going to bed. She would come into the room picking up the clothes and would say. Oy! I just saw my mother (who was dead) (guilt). In other words, I was killing her by her having to pick up my clothes. So, I became a good boy and became very neat in order to become a good boy. However, the only praise I got was indirect when she would give a tour of the house to friends and open the drawers of my dresser and open my closet and say look how neat I was. Overcoming these type of issues involved affirmations like: I am good enough, I am lovable, I am enough and going from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. In addition, needed to confront and feel my repressed feelings of anger, pain and fear. Plus feeling the joy of doing things for myself.
I would modify the statement, “All children want/ need the love of their parents” To “All children need self-acceptable of their parents” — or not to be hated. You’ll be surprised how confused and overused our collective notions of “love” is.
No matter the cause or roots of the “good person” program, the effects are the same. Seeking approval of others is a classic sign of stalled psychological development (that effects most of us) that leads to aborted self-actualization.
I personally don’t believe affirmations will resolve this common type of trauma. In fact, they are more likely to reinforce your shadow (internal rage). Confronting and feeling the rage, as you said, is more instructive.
“if a sufficient number of individuals could hold the opposites together within themselves.” Drug companies would lose millions of dollars in revenue for anti-depressant drugs. Now that would be perfection, people owning their own s*^t instead of masking it.
Not just drug companies, Joyce. Fashion, media, entertainment, commerce in general, etc. The financial loss wouldn’t be in the millions; it would be in the trillions. It would topple the entire system. So you can see why there’s so much external incentive to keep the masses polarized.
Hey Scott, the only way I can share my thoughts on this article is by first asking a few questions in relation to your answers for them. I hope you facilitate me.
First question: Do you believe in destiny? …
If NO…. why?
If YES who writes our destiny?…..is it God (universe, infinite intelligence, or whatever is your name for this concept) or is it us, the man himself.
Now your answer has to be either No and Why ………or if your answer is Yes it has to be either God or Man cannot be both.
Damian, as you can see above, I do my best to respond to comments. However, I find your comment/questions both time-wasting and manipulative, so I’m electing not to respond directly. Feel free to keep your thoughts on the article to yourself.
Time, once gone can never be retrieved. I value my time as well as others. My intentions are always genuine and authentic so I apologize if my comments/question above seem to be manipulative to you, after all, I did hope you would have facilitated me.
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
When you start to get to know your shadow (which is the theme of this article and others on my website), you’ll be in a position to challenge your “always genuine and authentic” intentions.
lol, Scott ….I disagree with the article and the whole shadow concept, however, I understand that is your opinion and I respect it. I to have a concept about life that I follow which might be different or even similar to yours we might never know. That does not mean I’m right and you are wrong or vice versa the most important thing is that these concepts allow us the ability to continue to grow and to learn.
Clearly, from your response, you have indicated that you probably don’t need to grow any further or learn anything new.
My intentions were to see where my concept might have had loopholes in comparison to your responses because I value the fact that you spent 25 years+ on this journey and accumulated a lot of knowledge on this concept called life.
In a nutshell, I believe that you cannot give what you don’t have, what inside of you is what comes out. Furthermore, that what is inside determines dictates your worlds view. So in other words, if you see manipulation without any clear evidence guess what Scott????.
The negative emotions that you described as the shadow are not be repressed as you correctly said but it also shouldn’t be embraced either. Cause I don’t know how the hell you can take hate and turn it into love. Darkness only disappears when there is light. Hate (darkness) is just a state of mind that NEED to be replaced by Love (light). The key to keeping that light forever shining no matter our circumstances is the answer to the million-dollar question WHO AM I.
My questions were leading up to the answer I perceived to be correct. If I was correct you and the other persons who are so fortunate to be part of is discussion would have learnt something new. If I was wrong then I would have learnt something new. Therefore my intentions were in the name of growth, not manipulation.
As I said, Damian, until you get to know your shadow, you’re not in the position to evaluate this clearly.
I saw your “game” from your initial comment, which is why I declined to play. (You used the clear language of specific shadow archetypes.)
You’re free to “disagree” with the entire shadow concept. It’s understandable. It tends to make people uncomfortable — especially those who are terrified to see what’s really inside of them (which is most of us).
At a certain age, however, many people reach the point where it becomes too obvious that something else is going on inside of them. The inconsistencies and repeating patterns of problems become too difficult (and sometimes painful) to ignore. Only then can the inner journey begin.
Perhaps the entire fields of depth psychology, humanistic psychology, development psychology are wrong about the shadow. Maybe individuals like Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, Alan Watts, Ken Wilber, and Jordan Peterson are wrong and the shadow is a figment of their imagination.
Maybe they are all wrong and you are correct. Or, maybe not …
Note: you said, “My questions were leading up to the answer I perceived to be correct.” Exactly my point. You weren’t asking an honest question. Perhaps that’s why you accused me of not wanting to learn and grow. This is an example of you “projecting your shadow” onto me. But then again, that assumes that the shadow exists and that you have one.
Thank you and noted, what specific archetype was displayed though?. I’ll like to read up on it
The shadow archetypes of the Magician.
See: https://scottjeffrey.com/magician-archetype/
I find the concept a bit hard to understand fully but I still agree with the idea that parents actions consiously and unconsciously program the child.
I have rare genetic problem and to put it simply it cause internal problems qnd I also can’t go on sunlight. I am 20 now.Because of that my problem my parents are overprotective that harmed me a lot. I have hard time facing challenges and meeting nee people / building connections , for me is almost impossible to express my desires to them I still can’t disobey and do what I want not what they expect and we have really different point of views for many things. My mother praised a lot my artistic autlet as kid [ she told me when it wasn’t good for my age ] it made me subconscious believe I am superior in art and when the reality of really – existence of talented kids younger than me hitted me I started to feel jealousy and even anger [ Why they can be that good ,I am the one that wants career in art, why it is easier for them,why people follow their art Instagram and ect ]
On the other hand my father didn’t care about my art he wanted only good grades.I desperately tryed to grab his attention but I wasn’t good at math and English subjects he really cared for. I started laying about my grades for every subject ,he also thought I loose/broke things on purpose or that I just don’t pay attention and make a mess.
Because he and mother always had problems my mother scolded me as outlet for that when I was in my early teens because my mind was constantly in race tying to find who I am and I almost every day forgot to do house work /sometimes I wanted to disobey and just let my house work aside.
The hatred towards my father hit its peak and one time I stood at the back of my door within he to enter so I can hit him with baseball batt [I stopped before him entering] I also have angry autburst where I scream [ I am happy it never happens Infront of someone]
Some other things are that in my mind money,sexual desire and thinking you are smarter is equal to being bad. So yeah it have impact.My shadow is probably huge
Hi Kai, I’m not sure what your intention was in describing these life experiences here, but I don’t see a question, so I’ll assume you’re just expressing yourself.
I could relate to this article very much, I was a person who was good ALL the time, saying yes to everything and this has caused me inner frustration, and many many sucidial thoughts, presently I have stopped being so called good person and express myself of who am I really, I accept my imperfections, anger , envy emotions, I don’t deny them, recently I express my anger so heavily that I spoke of words that even my conscious mind was not aware and I was shocked of those words that came out of my mouth unconsciously when I was anger, I read almost all your articles and it is really helping me a lot to understand me internally, I would like to hear from you how could I express my anger or any repressed other emotion in health way , thank you Scott for all your great work ?
Some times you can speak to your anger and truth to the other individual directly. Other times you can not.
If you can’t, you might still write them a letter and express all of your true feelings — even if you can’t send it to them.
Some times you can express the rage “behind closed doors,” like in front of a bathroom mirror.
Screaming into a pillow is another outlet.
If the rage is strong, and you’re male, you might open up on a punching bag for a while.
Me and my mom read this article together. I’ve had a problem with the “good person” program for a long time-and have been aware of it. Seeing this article made me really want to change. Thank you for your insight. My mom is grateful for this information as well.
You’re welcome, Irene. That’s great that your mom was open and receptive to reading it — many mothers aren’t!
Thanks for this article Scott. These are astute insights. I would help you make your point about the importance of becoming aware of these opposites as real and influential with a small glimpse into my own story:
I have been on the journey from good to whole for going on 50 years. However, it wasnโt until I took back my own arrogant, 2 year old โselfโ from my Mother that my journey opened up to reveal a dark side. That happened 15 years ago. Before that โincidentโ (and it wasnโt pretty) I was too afraid of both her and the world to be aware of my disowned self.
Being able to see and own the darker side of my own personality has brought humility and made me more human – and more free. I am a better mother, wife, grandmother and friend. My boundaries are in place without much ado. The cynicism I felt in my 50โs has all but dissipated. Joy, passion and my tendency toward intimacy and connection have all been enhanced.
To be all that I can be entails being all that I actually am first. (Both the good and bad.) There just is no getting around that. So keep up the reality lessons, Scott. I thank you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Renee.
Definitely a great testament to the power of getting to know your shadow.
When I accept all of my self I no longer feel I have to be more than I already am in that moment which is enough.
I have found when I accept my shadow I have more control of my entire self .my truth is I am all that I am and have been.going forward I accept my entirity without judgement of my self but rather justice. If I choose to act through my shadow then I also am accepting the consequences that come with it. Being aware gives me more control of my actions my choice of influence and my destiny .
Yes, Dave, that’s true. It’s just a matter of deeply knowing your shadow and accepting it (which implies that it has been integrated).
Iโm glad I found your email subscription, itโs really helped me understand what I do throughout the day as a โgoodโ person. It is a big concept to swallow but it makes so much sense. I donโt know if this means I have to stop volunteering at my local mission every so often or not want to teach meditation to people but I will dive deeper into my shadow side and find love for every part of me. But I will do what I need find myself whole and continue learning and growing. Thank you for writing these emails
The action itself is less important than understanding the shadow motivation behind it.
Most people who do charity work, for example, do it to either elevate their self-image in front of others or to run away from their selfish or greedy part. Of course, in most cases, they are not honest or aware of their true motivation.
From what I can observe, many of those who teach meditation are possessed by the Sadist archetype who enjoys torturing others. In fact, I believe that most of how meditation is taught in the West is a form of sadistic torture. Again, this motivation is unconscious in possibly every case.
I do believe it to be beneficial to be a whole person…I do not believe eliminating the good will make you more whole though…as you stated earlier exceptance of both sides are needed and to see the dark in your self you need a light to strive for the goodness programing imposed by parents is to instill a code of conduct that would other wise be benificial in societal rule there will always be differences in the way you act in public and at home and the good programming is more to the public view aspects as for love understanding and other emotional balance systems those are worked in at home qlong with other programed tools that make the good programming system worth instilling in your children as a means to guide their conduct but is by no means the only system or set of tools and rules you will be presenting them with i enjoyed your view on the system but you are presenting a partial and one sided argument and though it is better to be whole than good i think by eliminating the very system that gives you an idea of the difference between bad and good you are also canceling out the value of the concept of where you fall in such a system so to aliminate the system would be to work in reverse…..
The point of the article, Frederick, is that until you know your dark side, your “goodwill” is necessarily fake and disingenuous — despite your best intentions to the contrary.
In fact, the more you get to see what’s lurking in your shadow, the less stock you’ll put in your “good intentions” at all. Until a parent comes to term with their darkness, they may install the words of goodness into their children, but what they will mainly do is transmit all of their darkness onto their children (shadow archetypes) and condition them to repress it. This is well-documented.
My view here isn’t one-sided at all. A parent can’t instill a code of conduct on their children if they are unconscious of what’s inside of them.
And if they succeed at holding the opposites within them, there’s no need to instill such a code. (Such a code is merely a form of repression, which leads to all the programs we face in adulthood.) Instead, the child would simply observe the genuineness of the parent and follow suit.
We learn by observing behavior, NOT by empty words taught to us by our parents.
I am starting to see where my rage came from and I’m better every day. Thanks for helping to open my mind.
Sure thing, Elana.
I do understand this as being responsible for your own thoughts and behaviours (dark and light)
Correct, Stanley. Thoughts, emotions, impulses, attitudes, and behaviors.
I am a survivor of EAN parenting and as a result, often codependent, looking for that love and affection I was denied as a child in an attempt to gain closure for decades old wounds.
I’ve started my own journey into breaking the codependency habit – Burns, Manson, Goleman, Beattie amongst others and I know from the little I’ve read that I’m Jungian by disposition which is what drew me here.
I’ve had half a century of a hell inside my head. Time for things to change, as Mason quotes Charles Bukowski “Don’t Try”.
Welcome, Dave. As Jung might say, sounds like you’re in the soup too!
Keep in mind that almost everyone is living in a hell inside their minds. It’s a matter of degrees and the level of one’s consciousness about their reality.
Re-reading your article did have me questioning one tenet of the philosophy – I have never seen love and hate as opposites. If you love someone, and that love fades, you become indifferent. If you love someone, and they hurt you, you become angry with them, but by and large the anger fades and you move on, admittedly perhaps with help. Hatred starts wars. Maybe a little too hippy-trippy and perhaps says more about me than others.
I understand where you’re coming from, Dave. But this article is addressing a more deeply-rooted (i.e. unconscious) issue.
The hatred I’m speaking about isn’t conscious. That is, most of us can’t connect or feel it — largely because of our self-identity that says, “I’m not someone who hates.”
But it’s there. And unconscious hatred doesn’t start wars. It’s leads to chronic pain, illnesses of every variety, addiction, chronic fatigue, general discontent, and more. The rage and hatred repressed inwards attack us.
And perhaps more importantly, because this hatred and rage are unrecognized and disowned, they keeps us from becoming grounded and genuine.
This article was the most eye opening in quite awhile excellent content!!!! I’m currently in prison because as a youth I was raised by Jehovah’s Witnesses who, as a part of their traditional belief system are basically extremists when it comes to the topic of goodness and shunning badness. And so like a boiling Crock-Pot I rebelled in my teenage years and had a lot of fun releasing those shadow parts of myself but it was all in an unhealthy way. Only after I was locked up did it seem that I was awakened to the WHOLE truth about who I am, who we are, and that we create reality and not merely accept reality. I enjoyed reading this very much.
Thanks for the comments, Pierre. Your experience, believe it or not, is not uncommon. Religious extremism does make the shadow grow stronger. And eventually, it runs the shadow — usually to our detriment. The good news is that in going to both extremes, it’s sometimes easier to arrive in the Middle.
Your comment regarding extremes is so true. i use to refer to my life being like a pendulum. When i found this message, i knew i was home.
Yes. In many cases, it’s difficult to arrive at the center without first going to extremes.
When i was young i was uncomfortable with the compliments i received telling me how nice i was. I knew i was not such a nice boy and frankly i resented it. I was adopted when i was eight years old and by 11 i was acting out. I believe my confusion over this issue was causing problems for me.
I need to have this make more since for me so i can understand the real alternatives to being good. How do we go from good to whole?
Gary, the solution is to get to know and integrate your shadow. You can find a primer here:
https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/
And if you’ve subscribed to my list, you’ll be notified when my Shadow Training program is open for enrollment.
I am a member of your shadow group and understand my old issues. I am more concerned with what i have done to others, namely children, in their developement.
I always stressed honesty and kindness as two values in a good character for my children. Is this another form of being good?
Hey Gary. Consider this: Have you been honest and kind in every situation throughout life? There’s nothing inherently wrong with teaching values like honesty and kindness. But the reality is that if our parents were honest and kind, we wouldn’t need to be taught it.
We learn by observing behavior (consciously and unconsciously). Generally speaking, the values we attempt to teach others are the ones we ourselves most need to integrate.
Also, it’s important to understand how the world works. Teaching children to be honest and kind without also showing them that most people lie all the time (and are mean) doesn’t prepare them for this world.
Gary,
Now that I see your last name (which was absent in the original post), I know who you are. I recommend moving this discussion to the private forum if you have more questions/comments.
I consider myself a good person but am conscious of the bad in me. At times the bad, more thought than action, dominates my behaviour and i don’t feel good about that although i do justify this behaviour as its my right to react badly at times. After all i am human
“After all I am human.” Amazingly, while this statement is so common, it’s actually a subtle form of denial (an ego defense mechanism) that ensures that we fall into a similar pattern in the future (where we’ll once again say, “Oh well, I’m just human.”)
The only way out of this trap (and neverending cycle) is to see yourself fully (that is, your real personality). And when you do, it is unlikely that you’ll be able to identify yourself as a “good person.”
When you work out why you are reacting the way you are, you are on the road to healing that part of you…. Then you can just be yourself without judgement.
This article is one that i did not regret reading. Growing up we were taught to live up to certain expectations that embodied “goodness” and by doing so only created greater space for deception and not being true to ourselves. Not choosing even careers we felt strongly about etc., to please parents or those who held us to “the good standard.” Ideally, self-awareness and being able to openly express our feelings regardless would take us closer to being whole. Excellent article!
Thank you, Kathy.
What you said is very true. The most interesting thing is that even after we become conscious of these dynamics, somehow, this conditioning for approval is often still an influencing factor in our decisions and behavior.
I have only recently realised that I have nursed a deep hatred for my husband due to my resentment of his controlling behaviour. It was taking a lot of energy to suppress this feeling and causing me to “worry” about his death….. In fact I realised that I was wishing him dead. My belief system did not allow for such thoughts. It was a painful realisation.
If it makes you feel any better, Caroline, virtually everyone is harboring these kinds of resentments towards those closest to them (mostly unconsciously). Spouse to spouse, parent to child, child to parent, and so on.
That’s why becoming conscious of these hidden attitudes are so important: they are silently influencing all of our behavior and creating warfare in our psyches.
Tis alas, too true. Tough but true. One can only be whole if one is aware and comfortable with all assets and features of ones whole being and consciousness
Although I was never praised that much as a child (I was rejected by teachers a lot instead of receiving praise from them) and my mom genuinely never showed favoritism towards me or my brothers in particular saying she loves us equally which is very believable to me from her point of view and the actions she has taken to reflect this goal, this article once again reinforced that I am rejecting myself really hard in an effort to not see my inner ugliness I had a teacher in a MA program which didn’t end up working out for me she said to me one day in a casual tone “You’re your own worst enemy” I had no idea what she was talking about or how she saw it but now I know and I want to fix myself as a person, get out of my depression, and let out hate I’ve been repressing the vast majority of my life.
Thank you so much Jeffery I already have your book on the shadow downloaded and am looking for more resources on this currently.
Sure thing, Jose.
One thing to consider: every mother (despite their best efforts) has favorites. There would be no reason for a parent to say “I love all my children equally” — unless it wasn’t true. This statement is an attempt to run away from the truth.
This is important to understand because a person doesn’t develop feelings of self-hatred accidentally or randomly. It develops because of unrecognized and disowned feelings derived FROM the parents. That’s how the initial wound forms in the child’s psyche.
Without understanding this, you can spend your entire life trying to “fix” yourself, without knowing what’s really going on or what happened to you. That’s why shadow work involves mining the past.
This makes a lot of sense to me. As a parent Iโm curious to know your thoughts on how to prevent โgood person programmingโ in kids. I try to steer clear of โgood girlโ type remarks (although my own conditioning from childhood has it slip out from to time to time) and use instead phrases like โgood jobโ or โwell doneโ to label the action rather than the person. But I wonder now whether it still has the same net effect. Any suggestions around how to praise/not praise and prevent this programming and minimise shadow in our kids?
Phrases like “good job” condition children to wait for those types of comments in adulthood. Moreover, the subconscious message from the sender is putting the child down. (They can feel it, but don’t have the cognition to process it.) If you assume the child is highly capable, these types of “encouraging” statements won’t be uttered.
But overall, when it comes to parenting, it all comes down to self-parenting and owning your shadow. As parents, we necessarily project whatever is disowned within us onto our children. It’s much less about what we do with them and much more about becoming conscious of our internal terrain, acknowledging our darker intention, regulating and resolving our past traumas, etc.
As a general, giving the child more space is usually advisable.
The challenge is that we learn how to behave by watching others. And as such, most of our behavior tends to be destructive.
Would it be a good idea when a child accomplishes something that others might praise them for, to ask them how they feel about what they said or did or accomplished?
It’s less about what to say and more about regulating your internal state.
The impulse to praise an accomplishment in a child is oftentimes a result of not hearing the critical voice in our heads that judging and perceiving the child as incompetent. If you’re able to stay in your Center, you are likely to catch this voice or subconscious attitude.
Before being conditioned to do things for praise, children do things for the sake of doing them: interest, curiosity, exploration, challenge, etc.
Think back to being a child: Would you want to accomplish something and have to answer how you feel about it? I certainly wouldn’t want to field that question.
My sense is that it would likely add one more layer of resistance to approaching something new in the future.
I thought back and this is what I would have felt – I would have welcomed the interest.
If a child comes bursting in with the news that he made the basketball team for example how would you respond?
I would most likely, when my kids were young to have said, Wow, fabulous or something like that. Now I think I would say, until you convince me of a better way – “You look really excited” and let them tell me more about how they are feeling or not.
Then, perhaps you should trust your intuition and try it and carefully observe the results.
The main thing to focus on is your internal state when you’re communicating because words are far less important than our subconscious attitudes, feelings, and thoughts.
Thank you for sharing these lessons in opening to our shadow. Iโm appreciating all the information in digestible presentation & amounts.
I realize I will use the rest of my life to discover my shadow & grow old together. Some learning & incorporating will be didactic, some experiential.
Iโve been inching towards shadow work, acceptance and integration for a few years.
It began the first time I heard โyou say bit-ch like itโs a bad thing.โ
During an unstoppable, uncontrollable and out of proportion rage I became willing to embrace & dance with all of me this year. That led to my emerging from a deep inner conviction that shadow is darkness and darkness causes/spreads evil. Thereโs a darkness yet it has an innocence to it, not evil.
Embracing and dancing with my shadow has been exponentially liberating. Truly.
Sounds like you’re on your way, Jeri. Some individuals take to the process with less resistance than others.
Lincoln: โIt has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.โ
Leonard Cohen: โThere is a crack in everything. Thatโs how the light gets in.โ
For theists, the same rationale can apply to their notions of the Perfect God, in my view.
Thank you for this article and for many other helpful ones on this site. From one only child to another: you clearly have a gift!
– Mike, a hospital Chaplain and Jewish clergy
Thank you for the quotes and comments, Michael.
As I had time to meditate today, a realization came to me. I was being a vigilante for the abuse my inner child went through. So when I saw certain acts of deception or abuse happening around me it irritated me and I acted. Not caring who got in my way. Not caring about the casualties. But then I realized where this came from, me not being able to protect myself as a child. I allowed abuse and deception and all of that to take place and then when people praised me I thought they loved me. I opened my email and saw your caption and it blew my mind. Like, โcan he read my thoughts?โ It was scary but confirmation. And I totally agree with this post. It was spot on. And it brought things to light for me on how I make my oldest son repress his feelings for his brother.
I can’t relate to everything you’re describing here, Jo. Praise is a powerful form of manipulation and “loving words” are often used to keep us confused about what’s actually going on and what’s been done to us.
As for reading your mind, Carl Jung would call that “synchronicity.”
I love this article. To be a good person is just a belief. It is interesting. In another word, are you saying we have to be what we are, complete personality by recognizing and accepting our bad parts.
How about the role of religion teaching or character building? Can you explain their functions?
As what my father, raised by Moslem father and Katolik mother, taught me with simple lines.
Eat good
Play good
And do good for others
In your life
Thank you.
In its highest form religion could help people progress through their development. In its general expression, however, religion stalls psychological development. Instead of bringing us closer to ourselves, religion most often creates a stronger divide between “good” and “bad” within us. It also leads us to place authority in something outside of ourselves, which ungrounds us.
As for that simple teaching: words sound nice, but we model our behavior based on the behavior of those around us (authority figures). And since our parents are relatively unconscious to their true behavior (over 90%), we learn to recite those words but follow the same destructive archetypal patterns as our parents — often without knowing it.
Thank you . I love reading your articles. At least this particular article has induced a great lesson in me. The more I try being a good person and pleasing others, the more I get hurt… I also think, trying to suppress your shadow, you are likely to develop psychological problem.
Yes, that’s true. It leads to repressed rage that influences our behavior in destructive ways.
I feel quite conflicted now. Parts of me acknowledge the sense in this, but itโs setting up a real, internal battle!
More accurately, now you’re bringing the internal battle to consciousness. It was always there — just below your awareness.
Wow! I love this article. It makes things so much clearer for me.
Example: When I admitted that I need regular breaks from my children it freed me to enjoy adult time with my partner while the children spend time with grandparents. When they come back they get a refreshed parent who’s in a better position to give them the attention and care they need and deserve.
Trying to run the “good person” program is like trying to go against gravity.
Indeed, Bulelwa. The good person program is certainly exhausting.
Hey Scott,
Thanks for the analogy of not being just a good person. Your point is well taken and yes I was taught to be a good person. I am aware of my darker side which sometimes I feel is in more control of my behavior than the good person. I’ve been accused of having a condescending look that my children do not like. I’m sure it was also felt in the work place. I was not aware I was projecting but reading your article I could see how this is one example of the darker side surfacing.
I come from a family with 5 siblings with no father in the home. Our Mom never remarried and devoted her life to raising the 5 of us. There was not much extra to go around and we all left at an early age to find our way to a better life. I always thought about doing it better than my Mom and Dad, However after 38 year of marriage our 36 year old son wants nothing to do with us. We are guilty of spoiling him thinking we were helping. Trying to set up some boundaries at 36 he is expressing some venomous hatred toward us.
So I see first hand how by not acknowledging my darker side during child raising did our son no favor. I also realize I didn’t do a better job at raising my kids than my Mom and Dad.
I will try to be more aware of my shadow behavior, although after 64 years of shadow development my shadow probably only lets me see what it wants me to see.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Steve
Hey Steve,
Your experience is probably more common than you might imagine. I would say that the majority of families are probably like this, but usually, everyone just continues to fake it (sometimes without acknowledging how much we are faking it).
You’ll know if you’ve begun to own your shadow when you no longer have any expectations from your son. You’ll have genuine shame and guilt from your actions, which is part of mature adulthood. But you won’t expect him to relate to you in any positive way (or at all).
Perhaps the main reason that adult children don’t want to interact with their parents isn’t because of the parent’s past emotional abuse and trauma. It’s usually because the parent is still unconscious of their behavior and so they continue to do the same things as before, albeit in more subtle ways.
You may find that when you begin to see things more clearly and own your behavior, your child’s attitude toward you may change. But for you to do that, you’ll need to process more of the unexpressed emotional trauma you experienced during your childhood. Whether or not you choose to do that, of course, is up to you.
When I read the list of values on other pages at this site, I noted that many were missing. For example, vindictiveness (vengeance), racism/intolerance, materialism, etc. Now after reading this about being whole rather than good, I wonder why they aren’t on the list of values?
Because core values represent idealized forms of behavior. They are aspirational in that they are meant to inspire us to find the best in us.
Otherwise, you’re correct. The list of values would need to include, money, sex, materialism, consumerism, rage, and many others.
We don’t need to aspire to the lowest common denominator as we tend to start there. Shadow work is about being honest with what’s driving our behavior in the present. Then, by developing greater consciousness, other ideals begin to take precedence.
Knowing your shadow makes it easier to live your values.
Hi Scott,
Very interesting article. I believe in Shadow work, however, still not a complete master of it. I have, though, realised based on your writing that I am deep in the process:) Do you think Shadow internalisation is parallel work with spiritual awakening (as a matter of fact causing a feeling of โhaving slept through oneโs lifeโ until the process has been started and partially shadow work effectuated)?
Second question: Having lived behind the โpink glasses or cloud some sayโ before the shadow work, and, as a consequence of Shadow work seeing the hard and sometimes tough reality does not it lead to depression and anxiety (exactly the same way as you described good persons arrive to eventually)as if Shadow work has never started at all?
Looking forward to your answers!
Kind regards,
Virag
Hi Virag,
I’ve never met a “master” of shadow work before. I’m not sure that’s the goal.
To answer your first question, I think if someone genuinely engages in the process of getting to know and integrating their shadow, that most of the excitement around “spiritual awakening” will fall away. But yes, that feeling you describe is accurate as you begin to see the lie you’ve been living. And you also begin to see how fake and phony the world around us is too.
Shadow work can lead to anxiety and depression, but that’s mainly when individuals have high levels of ego inflation (which seems to be most of us in the modern world who think we’re “special”). Crashing from our castles in the sky can make the Tyrant in us feel down (not elevated).
But when the process is done correctly, it’s more grounding than it is depressing. And anxiety should lessen.
Thank you for your answers Scott! You triggerred two more questions, I am afraid:(
So how can someone go through the Shadow work ‘correctly’ as you say?
Also, if its correct that the ‘excitement about spiritual awakening will fall’ when going through shadow work, and ‘one gets more grounded’ does that mean that all ‘crazy fun’ will also extinguish and a sort of “flatness” sets in?
Kind regards,
Virag
I offer an in-depth course called Shadow Training that goes into the details. It would be difficult to go through details in a simplistic reply. You need the right context (understanding) and then the application of methods that bring you to the desired result.
What “crazy fun” are you referring to?
It seems like, most of us live with a mask/ masks on all our lives. And how do you know, whether this shadow is actually your friend or foe?
We actually live with many masks (called personas).
It’s less about friend or foe. It’s more about bringing the unconscious to consciousness so that it doesn’t rule our lives (without us even knowing it).
Well I know this and for about a month I have been trying to stop acting well because I knew its consequences and feel better but are there more ways to help me get rid of this? Also, if you have any advice to help me?
What exactly are you trying to get rid of?
The purpose of this article is to highlight how our self-identity (false self) is telling us that we’re good while beneath it (our shadow), we’re not (in terms of our hidden thoughts, attitudes, feelings, etc.). So what exactly are you trying to rid yourself of?
Be a good and perfect person. I would like to get rid of this programming. Sometimes I feel under the programming and I cannot find out what it is
The point of the article and of shadow integration, in general, is that you’re NOT a good person.
We only think we’re good people, which is why we have a difficult time getting to know our shadow. Assume you’re not a good person and listen more carefully to the thoughts, attitudes, and feelings you’re currently running away from.
Once you begin to hear this on-going “negative” internal dialogue, it will be more difficult to identify with being a “good person.”
hi scott i am reading your articles and i learn a lot of knew concepts and tools from them thanks.
i am a religious jew from Jerusalem .
and i am learning and seeking answers in the topics you are dealing with.
i think and believe that one should aim and want to become a better or a ”good” person in simple things just like saying hello with a smile and trying to be nice to people. and ultimately bringing something of value to this world that others can benefit from it.
i do think that one should know himself in order to grow and work on himself, in this way i think knowing your subconscious is a very important aspect in the process of really becoming a better person (but not a perfect one) which is a great goal for me.
Yes, we are all taught to behave well around others and to be cordial in society. But what if when you’re smiling and saying hello to someone, deep within you, you’re wishing them harm, judging them, or hating them?
If you identify yourself with being a “good person,” would you have any way of hearing or acknowledging these darker thoughts, attitudes, and feelings?
Or, would you simply smile and say hello, and feel good about yourself for “being good”?
Do you see the distinction here? The more you get to know your shadow, the more emphasis you’ll place on your internal terrain. For example, you may begin to notice how often you smile when you don’t actually want to. You’ll begin to observe how the way you act is most often fake and disingenuine.
But you won’t be able to come to this realization as long as you have the “good person program” running.
This has helped me a great deal. Right now, today/tonight I am dealing with an extremely negative, hurtful person. I am vulnerable as far as this person goes at the moment and this is being used against me. I have been struggling all day with my feelings, wanting to be a happy, positive, good person and my extreme feelings of disgust and hatred towards this person. I have not as yet read about the shadow side of ourselves though I fully intend to now. Thank.you.
One thing that most people don’t seem to realize is that the only way to be “happy and positive” when you’re going through a difficult period with someone is to be psychotic. That is, let go wanting to be happy and positive with that isn’t the appropriate emotional response to the situation. Our cultural bias toward happiness and optimism just might be creating more suffering than many folks realize.
Thank you Scott. It’s great to be able to communicate with an unbiased person. I don’t want to be happy and positive with this person. I have tried and he does not warrant this reaction from me. I just don’t want him to affect me in any other area of my life. He is my landlord which I am working towards changing very soon.
Right. So if you can accept that you’ll have negative emotions while you’re in your current living situation, you won’t have the added tension of wanting/needing to change it. There are ways of undoing these negative emotions, but they take time and training.
Yes very true though he seems to intensely dislike my growing independence and happiness after recovering from 2 years of ill health and constantly tries to bring me down. I am stronger than this but it is very challenging. You are so right, accept it the way it is until I can move on. Thank you
Hi again Scott, I have just read a little about the shadow self. I’m just wondering about something. I see my landlord as an extremely manipulative person. I don’t see myself like this. Am I wrong, or is my strong reaction due to my vulnerability at the moment?
Hi Leonie. Yes, from the perspective of getting to know your shadow, your landlord is your mirror.
We are ALL manipulative under the right conditions. If you don’t know how you manipulate others, then this represents an aspect of your shadow. And when you own this disowned quality, you will not have such a strong emotional response towards your landlord.
For more on manipulation, see the Magician archetype guide: https://scottjeffrey.com/magician-archetype/
Manipulation is a shadow quality of our cognition.
Thank you Scott. It dawned on me recently that I was here to learn some lessons from him.
The more you can see your landlord as you, the more you will have integrated that aspect of your shadow.
Yes I will have to work on this. I find the concept, as far as he goes, very difficult, as we are very different in many ways.
Yes, we are told that we’re all different. And so we tend to view others through the lens of difference instead of similarities.
But the more you get to know your shadow, the more you see that you’re just like everyone else (in terms of desires, impulses, needs, qualities, etc.)
We are all far more alike than we are different (despite appearances to the contrary).
Humanistic psychology demonstrates this well.
Thanks Scott. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me and try to help me understand.
This person has become abusive. Screaming at me for no reason that I have caused. Luckily a friend is with me. I am not like him. This may be an extreme situation.
Reading this article has prompt me to do deeper study in my Christian faith. As a Christian itโs easy to cast right and wrong and believe that all wrong is bad and all good is good. As Paul wrote in the Bible, โthe things that I donโt want to do I do in the things that I want to do I donโt doโ. Iโd like to explore that with this concept of acknowledging my Darkside.
Doug.
Sounds like an interesting area of inquiry for you, Doug.
Thank you for this article, I always felt shame for my dark side. To know that itโs ok to love ALL of me as I am is helpful, however there is more work to be done. Thanks again.
You’re welcome, Matthew.
Also, you don’t need to necessarily “love” all of you; the point is that you have to “accept” all of you if you are to move toward great levels of wholeness.
I truly agree. Christianity fructifies the evil as The Devil/ Satan. I come from India. In India, we have myths of gods ( devas) who behaved badly and demons (asuras) who are ‘good’. I think this is a more holistic and wholesome view of religious personalities. Christianity has religious personalities that are wholly good and wholly bad. I think this thinking persists in the people who follow Christianity. For the record, I am also a Christian.
Yes, Jerry. Both Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell made this observation as well. Prior to Christianity, this ultra-clear dividing line between “good” and “evil” did not exist in the West either.
Arghhh โฆ I am currently working on my own shadow and it’s probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do โฆ the hardest is trying to get my family to understand this โฆ they are still perfect (we all come from a perfectionist background) and I am now the one who destroyed their lives blah blah blah because I have changed and they haven’t yet. I have 2 young grandbabies (under 5) and I am hoping to help them to become “whole” rather than “perfect” โฆ I have gained much self awareness through your articles and guides โฆ Thank you Scott :)
I can relate to your experience, Linda.
If I may, I have a suggestion that can save you a great deal of time and energy:
Let go of wanting to change anyone else — or expecting that they ever will change.
Unless put into a position where they have no choice, most people will NEVER change. The conditioning from childhood and their current environment is simply too strong.
Also, since you said you’re working with your shadow, watch the tendency to want to change others. That’s an ego trick to avoid personal responsibility. (Yes, even with your grandkids. In this case, you can simply seek to do less harm by, for example, not spoiling them.)
The best you can do is cultivate the change within yourself.
Once I asked in my inner conversations to my higher self, why did you create a shadow. I got the answer as I created the Shadow to know who I am, meaning that when we become aware of the Shadow and transcend that we know that we are beyond that, the amazing infinite Self. After that I do not fee that part ofShadow troubling me anymore. I still may have so many more shadows to work on…
The more I see good, the more I can see evil. And when I say evil – think Immortality-Inducing Aggonizers (if you are a Trekky you know what I’m talking about) feeding an AI – type of dystopia :) So, YES – balancing the opposites is very important. Still struggling with it time to time :)
“Still struggling with it time to time”
As we all do, Simeon!
I think WOW. You/many points & topics in your article made me stop and ” think about what I’m going to think about.” I actully said the above think about think to a NYC yellow cab driver (life before Uber) and the cab driver said to me “,Wow, I never thought of that” and he stopped driving pulled the cab over to the curb and said again to me “Wow I never thought abput that!
I have to Think about What I have to Think about.”….kinda what Oprah would call an. “Ahhhhhh Ok moment” Your above article is not a one time read. It’s filled with a plethora of personal insight thoughts and self evaluation and discovery. GOOD JOB GOOD BOY LOL Thankyou I’ll read it many times over and take notes and Think About What Im going to Think about to be a Good Girl before I drop my pencils on the floor : + ) โก Enjoyed the read Lynnzy
Glad to hear you found the read enjoyable and thought-provoking.
Hi Scott.
Iโm really enjoying your articles. To echo some earlier comments; itโs somewhat frustrating to be in my late 30โs and only now discovering these things. I am especially happy to have found your material. Itโs clear the shadow is something Iโve yet to discover, and Iโm totally guilty of denying it in myself because it never felt Ok to acknowledge it (being a โgood personโ). I look forward to reading more. :)
Hi Mel,
Although some individuals find this material at earlier ages, most don’t until their late 30s / early 40s. Shadow work didn’t come onto my radar until my mid-30s.
This material becomes more relevant after you’ve had some life experience under your belt and you can look back and begin to see your patterns.
Enjoy!
Understood. Feel nothing but fruition and reassurance to continue on with my work.
I have been writing a memoir of sorts recently. I think you will be interested in this bit.
“In my rear-view mirror, my childhood years are a bizarre mixture of fear, taboos and punishment. I never felt quite enough โ I was never quite what he (my dad) or anyone else wanted me to be. I still feel this way. The people I love the most in the world are dissatisfied with โwho I amโ and no matter how much I try to be a good person while at the same time being true to myself, those I love can find it in themselves to rummage around in my life to find my imperfections and to not be shy about pointing them out.
Yes, sadly, our drive for approval is supposed to be reduced when we reach adulthood, but we often unknowingly drag it behind us into adulthood — especially when it comes to family.
If you haven’t integrated your shadow, there’s no way to accept another person. And since our families generally have not done any inner work, judgment is the norm even with those closest to us.
I’m trying to do that; it’s not easy. I appreciate your help.
It’s not easy because we believe that our parents are “supposed” to love us (not judge us). But a genuine capacity for love is actually quite rare — and even more rarely attained by a young person in their 20s or 30s who don’t really know themselves. And since parents tend to be in their 20s and 30s when they are raising children, you can see the nature of the problem.
So how could our parents have done anything but projected on to us whatever is disowned within themselves? How could they have genuinely loved us (not just in words)?
Once you see the “macro” viewpoint of our collective situation, compassion starts to develop. You begin to see your parents as big kids that didn’t have the resources to mature into adulthood. And as such, your drive to have them love and accept you begins to fall away.
I have been questioning my โgood personโ motives when doing something. Iโm aware of my dark side now. Much of my so called good deeds are really motivated for my own good, for something that serves me rather than the other person. I always emphasized selflessness which turns out was for selfish reasons. I love living in wholeness. I have more clarity on my motives. Iโm definitely okay looking after me first without feeling guilty.
Sounds good, Leigh-Ann.
Dear Scott
I came across to your website a few days ago and I find your topics interesting and with a unique angle, compliments.
About the shadow, I agree. Buddhist, as well as Taoist and Yogic psychology, knew this from a very long time. It is part of your awakening. “Good Persons” as you say, have a deeply ingrained feeling of guilt and unworthiness. Curiously, also “rebels” have the same feeling, as well as people in a spiritual path and new age guys/gals. It takes courage and powerful inner discrimination to become aware of this feeling because it is the root of our ‘perceived identity’, and at the end, there is a price to pay for it. Luke Skywalker integrated his shadow and lost one of his hand.
We should understand ethical values as rules to control our mind, This is what they are. Is not about being good to please the government or your parents, it is about moving towards the complete liberation.
Acceptation = enlightenment. When you fully accept yourself, deeply and completely at any time, you are enlightened, you solved the human equations, made by opposites.
Regards
Alex
Thanks for your comments, Alessandro.
I agree with most of your statements. Acceptance equaling enlightenment is arguable, but that all depends on how you’re defining enlightenment.
This was a very interesting read but I didn’t have this I was always the black sheep of the whole family . After mom & dad died my family kicked me out cause I always stood up for myself any way I’ve not talked to anyone going on 6 years , so I am the black sheep that could never be tamed, but wanted to just let you know your article was interesting thank you
Yes, Judy, the black sheep is another topic. Those who identify with being the black sheep often have more “light” hidden in their shadow.
Although praise doesn’t have to just come from family. It usually comes from teachers too.
Would you mind expanding on what is meant by having more light hidden in one’s shadow?
We all have both “light” and “darkness” in us. Culture and society (and family) have a way of conditioning us to identify with the “light” while denying the “darkness” (i.e. being a good person).
But a “black sheep” is someone who has had other people’s darkness dumped on them (so these other people can feel better about themselves consciously).
Someone who is outwardly judged for who they are (their character) — and who identify with these judgments — oftentimes have a lot of light or positive qualities that are hidden from themselves.
For example, a criminal who has spent their life committing “wrongdoings” still have a lot of positive attributes in them, but they are likely unconscious to them because they see themselves as a “criminal.”
I adopted the habit of writing about myself as soon as I learned reading and writing, I’ve been asking myself questions about the reasons of my actions and thoughts for my entire life because I never felt I belong to this place (where I live) and I always felt different, so understanding myself is always very important to me, I’ve always saw the dark side in me and find it very interesting because somehow it makes me feel more powerful, even with the negative feelings. Whenever I get to choose my reaction, I know what I’m feeling and why, but I choose based on the consequences so to me it’s not about being good or bad, it’s more about the best choice for the long term considering a lot of things. Whenever I don’t get the reason of my feelings or my reactions I write my thoughts and try to understand myself. I raised on praising the good act and rejecting the negative one, but I always had an attraction to the dark side in me and others, I find it more honest and interesting regardless its negativity, it makes me feel more as a human being, I learned that society doesn’t except such thing so I kept it hidden between me and myself for a long time, I didn’t want to ignore and repress myself in any way, but that made me fear rejection and hard critics so I grew up as a very discreet person and I loved my solitude more than anything because it was the only time I felt real and exist. I started reading your articles lately, and they (along with the shadow book) inspired me to be more as myself and feel no shame in being the way I am and there’s nothing wrong with that, I was depressed for a long time because I felt restricted and couldn’t act as myself around people, but now I realized that as much as I loved my dark side, I was feeling guilty and ashamed to have it and I repressed that but never saw it, day by day I learn new things about myself and it became easier for me to act naturally and spontaneously as myself, a lot of things became more clear to me about people and how they act and why. Knowing about the shadow is one of the best things that happened to me, it helped me to set me free, thank you so much, and please keep writing about these.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Mysa.
In addition to the ego mechanisms that often block us from getting to know and accepting our shadow, we also have (as you noted) social and cultural pressures that hinder this realization too.
Based on what you described, the next step for you would be to begin to see that what’s in you is also in everyone else. Those “dark thoughts” that you are aware of are in everyone. But many people (especially those in “civilized societies”) aren’t conscious of them. There isn’t anything you need to do with this information; just see it fully.
Hmmmmm. So it would appear that Dweck’s admonitions about praise are correct and directly related to the damage that the idea of “being good” inflicts on our society. AND that by “praising” children [and adults] for specific actions, to do with putting in effort and learning and asking for help etc., may be much more helpful than randomly and falsely telling them they are good “boys”, “girls”, “people”. Also, understanding that “I” am capable of those things associated with the “dark side” can be used to create compassion for others and the ability to give grace in our relationships.
Thank you for the article and for sharing your thoughts on the things that we are taught to bury and deny.
Indeed!
You’re welcome, Faustine. Thank you for your comments.
I just discovered hatred in a conflict with my partner – so far I’d have sworn that as a “spiritual” person such an emotion is far from me. What a motivation to go into shadow work once more!
Yes, this is quite common. Somehow we’re lead to believe that “spiritual” or “religious” people don’t harbor hatred, rage, and resentment like anyone else. The only difference tends to be that those who are “spiritual” are better at hiding it!
Thank you for this. I’ve recently discovered the concept of shadow and what we can do about its influence, and starting to do shadow work brought such an immense relief. Sure, it’s not always pleasant, but it’s so worth it. I’m finally starting to feel at peace with myself.
That’s great to hear, Petra.
As always your articles are amazing…..about the oppression of the bad side spilling over in other ways if not worked through, that is absolutely true – our moods, perception and beliefs affect our behaviour.
I once read a great quote which said ‘humans are the most domesticated creatures on the planet’ and that is exactly what this article reminded me of.
Let’s not forget that this kind of ‘good boy/girl’ is followed by every accomplishment we do in our life; medals, awards, certificates, etc, we are programmed to compete with each other and show off our superiority to others, our trained focus has always been about ‘external/ego’.
As for allowing our bad stuff to flow through, believe me, the bad, we have right now is scary enough….it’s wonderful to bring out the ‘shadow’ since that is what really needs our full attention (working within) before even more damage is done.
Very well said, Anica. Thanks for your comments.
I can admit that I do feel hatred for family members at times and I also love them unconditionally..because they have a shadow too. Sometimes I really enjoy the feelings for a bit then I move on to accepting them as their whole self. The same as I do with myself when I am aware that I am hating me. I also try to see if they are reflecting something back to me that I have not noticed within myself.
A good person is someone who has no faults and that is not me. I am imperfectly perfect, & I accept myself for who I am. I agree that it is important that we embrace our dark side because they helps us look past other peoples imperfections.
Creating a balance by journeying in the middle to observe both the extreme polarities in oneself and knowing to come back to the middle will help to be in the state of wholeness.
Thank you Scott for the article. The things that are never spoken off in our lives reveal more of the ignorance quality of the dark nature present in everyone. Mostly too positive person has ignored to express the negativity in themselves and a too negative person has got wonderful positive side which is again ignored or does not gets expressed. As a wholeness nature both extreme polarities has to be expressed out and accepted in order to be in the median state of wholeness.
You’re welcome, Nivya.
I really liked the article
I think that it depends on our defination of being a good person. Honestly speaking … I am a bit confused the way we should react when the situation is not relevant to us…. I mean.. In whose favor our actions should be…. The person you are interacting with Or yours.
From your Center, your actions are natural and spontaneous. When you have to think about your actions, they will be contrived and disingenuous.
Also, from your Center, you may discover that you remain neutral in most situations. Our conditioning tells us that we “must” have an emotional response — otherwise, we’re being insensitive. But with more inner work, we may discover that this is simply untrue.
Only “clear seeing” can illustrate what’s true for you.
Hello Scott, really enjoyed the article as well as comments. I am currently doing shadow work and it is really interesting (exciting and terrifying at times). One of my main struggles is when to express myself in front of others. For example I see greedines in someone else, reflect it back to me, realize I have it within me, embrace and love my greedy self (enforce it all through meditation). Most times I never say anything to the other person because I feel there is no point and need for it (nobody in my environment would understand it, to change the world I need to change myself, it is sort of a weakness if I have a need to point something to others as if though I did not reflect it back to myself enough). I kind of see it as an assertive mindset integration; through-out life I used to be on the passive-aggressive side. Some other examples are: another person is โbadโ towards the third person; a dog owner is hitting his dog in the park or a mother is telling her 4 year-old daughter that she should not get dirty on the street because she is a good girl. When and where do I intervene/react or do I just notice and let be? I live by the rule live and let live but struggle with this now and am sort of stuck in a loop. I would be glad if I could hear your take on it. Regardless, cheers and best of luck!
Hi Armando,
At the beginning of doing inner work, there’s an impulse to tell things to other people that you can see and they can’t But with more experience, you begin to see the futility in this.
Everyone is stuck running their own scripts, day after day, year after year. And unless they are projecting authority onto you, they aren’t likely to listen to what you have to say.
So you have the right idea by working it out internally as much as possible.
One more thing: you don’t need to “love” your greediness. (Why would you love it anyway?) Trying to love something you wouldn’t naturally love will only create stronger internal resistance. You just need to acknowledge that the greediness is there. No love is required.
I grew up in a household with a “good” mother. I still find her annoying. Much of Mom’s darker self was projected onto me. I rebelled. I prided myself on my more maverick, adventuress self. Lately I have found myself up against a much darker side in me, contemptuous and hateful, and now struggling with self-acceptance, running from the shame, but sticking with the journey as best as I can. There must be some parts of me, my shadow side, that is light, self-accepting that I need to access also. Not just my hateful, contemptuous side. Maybe in my dreams, certainly not during daylight. I’d like to see more information on the shadow parts that are love and light, if that’s possible. If that’s true. On a similar note, does an evil person, say a Ted Bundy, have a “good” shadow? Or does a socialpath’s shadow completely take over his ego?
Yes, the Jungians would say that criminals have light shadows and have “lighter” dreams.
But I think there’s a slight error in how you’re perceiving the concept of the shadow.
Instead of seeing yourself as in a battle of light vs dark, consider the idea that what’s in one of us is in all of us.
Hatred is in ALL of us. If you know that you hate, you know that propensity within you. So you won’t deny that you hate (that is, it’s not in your shadow anymore).
If you feel shame about your hatred then you’re judging yourself based on a belief that it’s wrong to hate. Why is it wrong? There are often good reasons to hate. The problem isn’t the hatred as much as your judgment that you have it and the belief that it’s “wrong.”
So much of the new age movement is focused on “love and light” because they are running from their darkness. Much of spirituality, in general, ends up reinforcing our “darker side” for this reason.
In fully acknowledging what’s inside of you, the drive to have “love and light” begins to fall away because it’s (an artificial construct in the first place). You simply see things as it is — not how some program or belief system wants or expects it to be.
Scott, you are among the first to be hitting on a concept that is so important I think will eventually take strong hold of society. Yes, there was Jung and others before you, but have expanded in a way they have not. Great insight. I have only read a little of what you have written, but it has already helped me, if only to really make me truly aware of my “good boy image” all my life. Everything you said was spot on. You explain things very well also. Keep it up. Thanks.
Thanks for the feedback and comments, John.
Great article. I think I’ve been trying to be a ‘good guy’. Clearly not anymore now.
Question is, does one have to constantly think about their darker half to achieve wholeness or is there a magic bullet to getting the state of mind of wholeness more sustainably?
From my experience, there are no shortcuts with this. It’s a daily process of watching, carefully observing, getting to know, and accepting your shadow.
Generally, our drive to do this quickly is just another subtle trick by the ego to avoid seeing itself fully. Our conditioning is toward goodness and the “light.”
Am really humbled as am in the process of integration of a nice person to a whole being,I have always perceived my self as a nice person minus thinking about the grey ones.where should I dwell most as in being a good person or a whole being?
It’s less about dwelling on an idea or concept and more about closely observing your attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors — that are, at present, unavailable to you because you think you’re nice.
When you identify yourself as a “nice” or “good” person, you aren’t able to hear all of your nasty thoughts, criticisms, judgments, and ill-intents that we ALL have throughout the day.
You move toward wholeness by integrating the darkness — accepting the whole of your personality — not by holding false ideas of goodness.
Since I read this article, Iโve dropped all attempts at being good. Today I kicked a puppy, slapped an elderly man and gave a nun the finger AND I FEEL GREAT! All kidding aside, Iโm enjoying the hell out of your content. Thank you!
It’s good to see that you have a lively sense of humor, Peter.
And that’s great to hear (about your enjoyment of the content — not the puppy kicking part).
I think itโs really sound advice. My experience with my Shadow in years past has been of denial leading to psychological problems. Full acceptance of ones shadow is critical. Interestingly I have also found that self forgiveness can also be a barrier to growth as it is based on the concept of guilt. Simple straight forward acceptance is key. Great article Scott, many thanks for your work.
You’re welcome, Crawford.
Self-forgiveness is appropriate at times. In fact, feeling guilt is a healthy aspect of adulthood. Without it, it’s all too easy to relapse into poor behavior.
Inappropriate guilt, however, is destructive. So understanding the context is always important.
The first caveat about being the good guy/girl is a faliure to realize that you will never please everyone.
Even if God and Jesus evidently showed up in this world it still wouldn’t please everyone. That is how hard it is to satisfy people. That’s why it’s a waste of good time being the good guy/girl.
That’s true, Simon.
But the main point of this article is about our self-identity. The big challenge we face in psychological development is how we perceive ourselves.
And when we perceive ourselves as fundamentally “good people” we are necessarily divorced from our shadow.
The shadow is a big one and to be honest I spent many years running away from mine, and your article illustrates to me that so many people do this on a detrimental level which could have disastrous effects further down the line, and has been proven so when people are reported to have supposedly acted out of character, when it was a surpressed shadow.
Yes, Simon. Unfortunately (for all of us), the shadow is what we see being acted on the world stage right now…
Is it possible to “get stuck” in your shadow and begin to express more negative behavior and emotion than more effective ones? I’m a counselor in training and I’d prefer to hold onto my empathy and positive regard for others. Somehow the thought that I might somehow lose my positive vibes is keeping me from exploring my shadow more. Thanks for the great article!
The challenge we face, Kristen, is that when our “positive vibes” come at the expense of knowing and integrating our darkness, these “vibes” are actually artificial and disingenuous.
We can’t arrive at authenticity without first getting to fully know ourselves, which most often means getting to know our darkness.
As you get older you may find that maintaining your “positive vibes” is actually draining your energy (because they aren’t as real as you may currently think they are).
To your question, yes, it is possible to “get stuck” in much of the behaviors and attitudes that you’re seeking to avoid. When you start to examine what you’re currently repressing, it’s natural for you to swing in the opposite direction for a time. As Jung said, there’s no safety in the path to individuation.
That’s why it’s important to learn how to center yourself before you engage in this process.
But I can say from personal experience, that the longer you go without examining what lies beneath the surface, the stronger it grows in your unconscious and the more difficult it is to contain later on.
So good – I mean, so bad. Oh, you know what I mean. Great article as always.
Thanks, Mike. :-)
Your wisdom is incredible and has helped me tremendously in my journey of personal growth. Keep up the great work Sir!
Glad to hear the information has been helpful for you, Jordan.
Thank you for this article, Scott! I’ve only recently undertaken a concerted effort to know and reintegrate my shadow, but I’m encouraged to find that it sounds as though I’ve actually been at it informally for some time, based on what I read here.
Like other readers, I found myself feeling a bit hung up on the word “hate,” and it brought up some curiosity for me. Because hate can be experienced at various degrees, I wonder if you genuinely mean that all parents have repressed feelings of hatred toward their children, even to the fullest depths at which the feeling can be experienced. Ie: are you stating that, as a facet of human nature, all parents occasionally repress the deepest feelings of destructive impulse and loathing toward their children? Or are you talking about a more garden-variety experience of “I’m so sick of being responsible for you right now, and I just wish I didn’t have to deal with you,” or some other level, or all of the above?
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Yes, Olivia, this idea of hate is difficult for many people to relate to — especially those raised in a “first-world” society.
There are so many social and archetypal forces at work here and it would take a great deal of time to outline them here.
But in a culture that conditions parents that …
– they have to love their children unconditionally,
– their children have to come first,
– making their children happy is important
– “serving” their children is being a good parent
– image is important
– keeping up with other parents is important
… yes, it would be entirely natural for parents to have deep-rooted loathing and destructive impulses toward their children.
I agree. Even before reading your articles, one day I stared questioning myself and my behaviours. I must admit all this information comes as a huge psychological relief and keeps me motivated to keep on going with my personal healing. Thank you
I know what you mean by the information coming as a relief, Diego.
Scott, you explain the shadow so well. Thank you very much.
You’re welcome, Gem.
When I was younger, and my sisters would do something to frustrate me I would yell at them that I hated them. Someone told me that this meant you wanted the person to die. I felt guilt. Ever since then I haven’t used the word hate. But felt it so many times. In my past failed relationships, the person I fell madly in love with, ended up being my prime source of hate. It was either love or hate. Both conditional. I’ve attempted to love everything unconditionally because a book told me to..haha. It did not work because there is always an undertone of guilt and doubt. I feel this deep hate around my father and mother all the time. So I assume there’s something wrong with me. What even is hatred? I don’t want these people to die. I just feel a strong anger towards them. Resentment maybe? And per usual this means resentment towards myself.. Do I hate myself?
Many people will judge your comments, Mandy. But the reality is that your comments are more honest than most.
Two comment threads above this one, I list about six social and cultural reasons why we hate. Here’s one more that’s perhaps the most important: most people don’t realize it but we all live under a single, one-world religion called money.
And when we all worship (which original translates as “work for”) money, it’s entirely natural to hate anyone dependent on us. Why? Because we have to expend our own energy making money not just to sustain ourselves, but to provide for others too.
When parents are unaware of this dynamic, it leads to unconscious resentment toward their children.
In the case of our parents, it’s more often their unconscious hatred that we carry. As their children, our root emotion is closer to sadness or grief. But feel these emotions, you have to stop carrying their emotions first.
Perhaps you can let go of the idea someone gave you that hating someone means you want them to die. This false assertion serves no usefulness.
Hate is just a feeling or a frequency of energy (if you prefer). Love is just a feeling or frequency of energy too. We tend to repress the former while striving for the latter. And in doing so, we make the feeling of hate stronger and direct it toward ourselves.
Repressed hatred becomes a kind of self-hatred. When we can observe the hatred and understand its roots, it begins to dissolve.
Start by allowing yourself to feel the hate without shame or guilt. Shame will only keep the cycle of hatred or resentment alive in you. You’ll feel bad for having a valid feeling. Simply by letting go of the idea that it’s “wrong” or “bad” to hate can be cathartic in itself.
Thanks for sharing everything you have its helping me towards my path of enlightenment . it’s all a true blessing of healing.
Sure thing, Shawn.
This is so true and yet hard to do. I’m excited about the freedom that comes from “wholeness” rather than being (or trying to be) “good.” And would be happy to have more energy available to create as a result of welcoming the shadow and integrating. I’ve already had some of this experience recently and it’s amazing how much more accepting I feel of self and of others. Very interesting new paradigm.
That’s great to hear, Dee.
Does integration of your shadow mean that you catch yourself and choose to act differently when you’re aware of poor behaviors or that those poor behaviors will no longer show up? I’m really confused on how to integrate.
Both are accurate.
You become more conscious of your behavior (as well as your hidden thoughts, feelings, and attitudes) and as a consequence, over time your ability to self-regulate your behavior increases.
I think it means to recognize when you are feeling a certain way and to express it in an appropriate way instead of not saying anything at all or going off. Iโm a little confused still as well on the shadow.
Completely agree. I just witnessed a child get yelled at because she was crying that she had a pottery she didnโt like bc her friend had the one she really wanted. They were going to paint them. Her mother handled it completely wrong. Comfort your child when she is crying! Explain to her fairness and compromise. Donโt yell at her ?
Aimee, I don’t see how what you’re describing relates to this topic. In your description, the child’s behavior is that of the high-chair tyrant. Comforting a tyrant would do just as much damage as yelling at the child — in this context you’ve described.
Scott, at retirement age, these personality traits should be
be integrated long ago. The struggle for survival is already
in retirement over, or become uninteresting. You prefer to go
your hobby gradually and pay attention to health.
About 30 years ago I did my master’s degree in Kundalini Reiki.
This brings about the integration of earth and heaven and opens
them Pineal gland. Of course, the way of life also changes there.
Osho said correctly that young people in the lower chakras
Life. Most of the time the Kundalini blocks itself in the heart chakra.
Kundalini Reiki gives you access to life energy.
In the brain and in the aura, higher areas switch on and
one’s own frequency also increases. Find the external interference
no longer takes place. I can heartily recommend everyone!
Albert, indeed, most of us are guided by the lower “chakra” drives. I would say that this is the case with both older and younger people. We all seem to be in the same boat together.
And yes, finding ways to refine these lower energies is the “Master Work” that brings us closer to ourselves.
Scott Jeffrey, the dedication and the commitment you have to all the time avail a useful information in human psychological development is causing a revolutionary change in our lives.
Glad to hear that you’re finding the information presented here useful, Michael.
I really struggle with this, because I do have a powerful belief that itโs better for people to be โgoodโ in the sense of being kind to each other and being reasonable in their interactions. I do acknowledge my negative emotions when I recognise them, but I try not to act on them. Do we need to distinguish between an internal recognition of our shadow side and the way we actually behave? Or is this my shadow side trying to avoid confrontation?
One distinction to make is here, Catherine, is between contrived kindness and genuine kindness. Those who identify themselves as fundamentally “good people” exhibit fake and phony kindness, not genuine kindness. Genuine kindness is actually quite rare.
Also, this article is addressing our internal self-identity more than our external behavior. I’m not suggesting that it’s better to be rude than to act kind.
But it’s important to understand the difference of when we’re “acting kind” versus “being kind.” And as you get to know your shadow, you begin to see how much of “civilized behavior” is contrived and conditioned by society (that is, it’s not genuine at all).
The more conscious we become of our shadow, the fewer judgments we have toward others as we begin to see each person the same as ourselves. As such, our behaviors and attitudes become less contrived.
Hi Scott. The primary classification ought to be CONSCIOUS and UNCONSCIOUS. All acts of DIGNITY are conscious acts. The is then the personal unconscious, collective unconscious and the unconscious unconscious. But the crux remains ” whatsoever is illuminated with the light of Consciousness or Awareness, will ultimately lead to Dignity or absence of the dark. So as the ancient Yogis would say, acceptance is transcendence .
Hi Dr Pavan Kohli. These are all high-sounding terminology derived from various traditions and depth psychology. But I would challenge their practicality in everyday experience.
How often do individuals believe they are “illuminated with the light of Consciousness” when they are really behaving from their shadow?
And how many times do we believe we are acting with dignity when we are actually harming others (without knowing it)?
This is the crux of the problem I’m addressing above.
Dear Scott, thanks for your reply. Discussing with you, I feel like I am talking to my brother in arms ?.
Despite the high sounding words , which like all words are basically mental diarrhea, the concept or idea or direction they point too is very simple. It is possible ( as elucidated by Yogis and Vedantins from India) to live a different STATE Of BEING for all of us. All recent western philosophers like Jung & Frankel have pointed the same way.It is a highly practical and livable state and possibly as Maslow said our natural evolution too. That not many people use it cannot detract from its Truth. Classes and masses will live as per their propensities but, Reality is practically available for all. Btw , Yoga classified states as Gunas, ( Sattwa, Rajas & Tamas)and in the same sentence stated the Gunateet, or Fourth state. Non dual, objective consciousness. Good person or bad person is true and Polar, but the Gestalt of beyond opposites is our progress and I complement you for the work on similar lines in THE Center & The Method. Best wishes and Regards. Dr Pavan
Yes, Dr Kohli, I understand what you’re saying.
The challenge is that too many of these “gurus” (Yogis, Vedantins, and spiritual teachers) from these traditions (including the most well-known ones) speak in such words and abide in these states while still remaining completely unconscious to their actual behavior.
They seem to be possessed by the Guru archetype (which is a not real person). And even though they may reside in a “nondual state,” they still haven’t integrated their shadow (as it’s a “different line of development” — to borrow a term from integral theory).
Ultimately, I think we’re in alignment with the overall picture. I’m merely pointing out that there are many landmines and blindspots along the path and it’s quite easy to believe we’ve achieved a certain state of being because our state and language development suggests so while still remaining unconscious to our behavior.
So my focus is here is less on realizing a Satvic or nondual state and more about taking personal responsibility within our day-to-day lives.
Yes Scott. No matter how clear ones understanding, there can slip ups , may be with the better known Gurus too
BUT
1. let us not be precocious to judge them, their attunement is their responsibility. Kabir used to say ‘ the swan will flu away alone, the Guru is answerable for his deeds and ao is the disciple. Each of us is answerable for his/her self. Osho used to say this too differently, ‘ the whole point is becoming vertical from horizontal.
2.Gurdjieff, used to behave roguish , only as a ploy to make his students more aware.
3. So appearances apart, if the visible is So important , then no doubt personality and it’s impact will remain focus, but no matter how many self help groups one does, the unit of polar movement and the involved energy to keep it as center will always be expended. Do you feel , it may be better to see the shallowness if this entity, the dualist , to see it for all it is worth , even at its best, and stop attending to its changing fancies at the drop of hat? Why expend so much energy in trying to change what you are not ? Heads or tails and the tosses of compulsions… Can’t we put the coin away?
Put away meaning , respond from its correct perspective. That it is an instrument of the visible and that vision is alwYs changing. Can’t hold anything except that understanding…
1) It’s not a function of judging them. It’s necessary to apply accurate and honest observation and evaluation to anyone — including so-called gurus. And no person should be above “right seeing” and evaluation.
2) If I go into details about gurus like Gurdjieff and Osho, I’m confident that I will only make my point much stronger, but I will also offend some people. Making a ploy to make students more aware it one thing (and totally fine); manipulating people into building structures in your name and amassing buildings of luxury-brand cars is something else. Exploiting women with father issues is something else too.
3) It’s not a function of changing what is not. It’s realizing that the “Guru” is an archetype — not a Real Person. Somehow, most people who follow “spiritual teachings” miss this. And as such, a guru follows specific archetypal patterns that are inconsistent with the words they say — mainly because, for the most part, the average guru is unconscious that they are being possessed by the guru. They identify with this archetype, which is always a mistake. That is, these individuals are incongruent and disingenuous (in most cases) and they don’t even know it.
Gurus, from my experience (which is quite extensive), demonstrate little-to-no accountability for their behavior. And spiritualists have the tendencies of writing this poor behavior off because they project their own “inner gold” onto these archetypes.
Everything else reduces to high-minded rhetoric that isn’t grounded in reality. It all sounds great, but it doesn’t bring us closer to ourselves, humanity, or beyond it. It only reinforces our delusions.
It means there are two ways of expression of our behavior.
A conscious way for expression of emotions that we think good and compatible with the environment and unconscious way through which our repressed emotions express itself without our awareness. Only awareness of both wanted and unwanted emotions will lead us to greater good and better decisions.
Great information. Thank you
Good stuff. I enjoyed this article. 2020 has definitely been the year that forced me to look within and confront my shadow.
Love this. Want to spread it far and wide.
Thanks for providing another way for folks to cut through the fog, Scott!
I appreciate the references to the “Protagonist model” that emerges from the “Lucifer Effect”
This “hero” condition is something I’ve found lacking in modern culture and I’ve been working on an artistic project to highlight this for future generations.
The theme is: “The Ride.”
The tenets are:
Love one another.
You are strong, brave, wise and kind.
and finally..
.. get back on that scooter after you crash.
Why all the tenets you might ask? You will need these characteristics if you want to ride safely and repeatedly.
Same with Life. -c.t.
I’m so grateful for your articles. I friend of mine had been trying to get me to look inwards for about a year or so in order to improve myself and my situation in life. At first, I didn’t understand and resisted. But once I finally listened to what she had to say, it was like it made perfect sense. I have downloaded and read your book, “The Shadow” and intend to read it again. It was very insightful, easy to understand, and along with the other articles of yours that I’ve read, it has been helping me to do exactly what my friend asked and I am seeing benefits in my life. Thank you
Sounds like you found information that resonates with you at the right time, Joshua. Great to hear. You’re most welcome.
I’m amazed, sometimes overwhelmed, with what is happening in my life right now. I understand that I’ve just begun but I’m reading your guides in order to have a better understanding of the concepts and I feel different. I’m nearly forty years old and I’m still coming to terms with some of my feelings about all this because it was all foreign to me. I would have had lots of doubt in the past about some of the things I’ve read, thought, and felt lately but it’s absolutely real and I’m so thankful for my friend,(who I mentioned in my previous comment) for you, and for myself.
Most commonly, this type of material becomes highly relevant around age 40 — as we approach midlife. Jung called it the “inward turn.”
We live mostly unconscious and “external” for the first half of life, and then (ideally) we begin to shift our focus inward and become more conscious.
First off – I am so impressed with your willingness to reply to so many comments. You must be both dedicated and have ample energy. I was giving much thought to my shadow side on my walk today. Iโve always owned a โsuper nice guyโ personality, but with a deep rage that when triggered immediately changed who I was. My rage has been a problem for me since about 3 or 4. Itโs been getting better over the years, but had reared its ugly head again during the post election. My new strategy is to write my bad feelings in a book … then consciously express love towards the feeling I wrote down. This morning I wrote i would like to kill those who participated in voter fraud. Then I focused on what I wrote … and sent it love … more love … over and over … love. Not just a word, but tried to feel the love deep in my heart. It seems to work … go figure…
I’m not one to discourage someone from doing something they say is helping them, but I feel compelled to warn you about the strategy you’ve outlined here.
Our psyche is built on opposing forces. Here, for example, you’re highlighting your capacity for rage and love.
But the process you’re describing is likely to reinforce the split (bipolarity) in your psyche — causing more problems later on (despite that it may seem like it’s working in the moment).
Ask yourself: is it really necessary that you send love to things you hate?
Is it okay to just express hatred and anger toward things without masking it with a positive emotion?
The problem isn’t so much that we hate; it’s that we believe it’s wrong to hate. This is what creates the internal tension: judging some feelings and elevating others (e.g., Love is better than hate.)
What if the answer was found not in going from one extreme to the other, but to find yourself somewhere in the middle? (Something closer to “okayness”.)
This is a fantastic insight. I was endlessly praised as a child, for being “good” (this meant meek and pliable in my family. I was unable to acknowledge (even justifiable) anger, in different areas of my life, until I was nearly 25. The rush of relief that came to me then, changed me forever. I still have more of this to unpack though.
Indeed, Heather.
The more we were praised in childhood, in many ways, the more we must examine our shadows in adulthood. Praise translates to a great deal of manipulation during childhood (continuing in adulthood) which manifests as deep reservoirs of repressed rage.
Thank you very much for sharing this article and your book The Shadow. I have only recently figured out what was wrong with me and that was not being in touch with my shadow. I have always been known as “nice” or “chill” or “a good person” and failed to acknowledge who I was as a whole. Since reading your articles I have been more aware of who I am and really paying close attention to all my emotions especially what I believe are “negative” emotions. I acknowledge it as soon as it happens and walk through it in my head and finally voice it out if it is related to what someone had done (without blowing up). In the past I would randomly explode from a minor issue and I think it was due to the years of repressed emotions. Slowly but surely I think I am improving myself so that something like that does not happen again.
In regards to the statement of hating your child, I think I can see what it means. I am a new mom to a 7 month old. It doesn’t necessarily mean hating your child for their existence but it could be hating having more work to do, hating having to wake up throughout the night to feed a newborn baby, hating not having more time to yourself etc. Acknowledging and accepting these emotions is okay and does not make me love my baby any less but actually makes me appreciate and love her even more. It also means that if you do have free time that you should treat yourself and be better to yourself. Read a book, take a nice hot bath, meditate etc. I’m still very new to this process but I think I have the right idea ahead of me.
I use to think I was a good person, but I am not quite sure because of my answers to the”good person test”
As long as we think we’re a “good person,” we can’t see ourselves because we’re looking through a one-sided and biased lens.
At least now you have a little more doubt, which may allow you to perceive yourself beyond this one-sidedness.
This actually makes perfect sense to me. I just recently was introduced to Sandow work. I’ve always tried to be the “Good boy”, because that’s how I was raised. And I do try my best. But I have found I have an anger, a rage inside of me that scares the hell outta. Some of the thoughts I have are purely evil. And it has made me depressed as well as baffled.
Thank u for this Scott
Yes, Adam, it’s common to become baffled and feel depressed when you’re confronted with aspects of yourself that are in conflict with your self-identity (how you perceive yourself). Now, you can begin the process of becoming conscious of everything you’ve left behind in your early development. And through this process, move toward a greater sense of wholeness.
I don’t see Being Good as, well, a bad thing… But I do understand how one can be blinded by its [seemingly] righteous nature. I find myself entangled in the “shoulds” and “oughts” of How to Be… regardless of the title. Which leads me to my current pondering: Have I gotten stuck on words & labels, and forgotten the ever evolving duality of Being?
I can’t fathom that Being Good, in its purest essence, is necessarily bad — just that it can become bad when not properly balanced &/or minded, i.e. becoming a righteous martyr.
“I canโt fathom that Being Good, in its purest essence, is necessarily bad”
Until you get to know what lurks in your own personal shadow and the shadow of the collective, this will continue to be elusive for you.
Only when you get to know your shadow are you in a position to evaluate the true harm so-called “good intentions” can do to others. Conversely, those who identify themselves as “being good” are not in the position to see what hidden motivations may exist behind their actions.
“Have I gotten stuck on words & labels, and forgotten the ever evolving duality of Being?”
This duality exists because of our divided minds — because most of us are divorced from their shadows. And this duality doesn’t evolve. It just is. If it is ignored, it grows stronger. If one learns to “hold the opposites together, the divide lessens.
Thanks very much for this useful article!
I have seen lot of people getting strong resistance from the community as a results of being praised with their parents and friends. A such praise and appreciation affected them psychologically, and make them believe that they can do what they have been praised for in a such perfection way.
I choose to be ” a whole”( Wholeness or Completeness) rathe than being one sided man( Only good person), simply because ”the more we resist the more we hurt ourselves.”
Thanks very much once more Scott Jeffrey! Welcome Tanzania, the land of Mount Kilimanjaro, Zanzibar Island and Serengeti National Park.
Karibu sana Tanzania ( Swahili language)
Have a good day.
James Limbu.
You’re welcome, James!
Why make a big deal about “not bring good”? What’s good/bad anyway? Can’t there be shades across personalities?
And when “not consciously being good” results in things not happening as per plan/pace or/and hurting others (letting them and their expectations down) which in turn hampers your own moral principles of “try not to let the other person down”- the whole dichotomy of it kind of puts more stress than before.
This article and others available on this website are about understanding the vitally important role the shadow plays in our everyday lives.
Your questions raise philosophic questions that don’t relate to the practical nature of what’s being expressed here. Are there shades of good/bad? Of course. Nothing expressed in this article would argue against this.
From the perspective of the shadow, your questions are an illustration of an ego defense mechanism. By staying in your mind/thoughts, you avoid examining your own self-identity and behavior more closely (i.e. inner work).
Does getting to know your shadow add more stress? That depends on how much you resist the process. The reality is that this “stress” is already present (in your body) — it’s just below your conscious awareness. Inner work is designed to bring these tensions and self-deceptions to the surface.
Really enjoyed the article, I’m trying to do as much research on spirituality as I can before I start and I believe this is a huge part- not only having to do with spirituality- but with living as a being in general.
Just be careful with “spiritual” information. It’s all a lot more straightforward than it seems (when you read “spiritual” information).
Many of us spend years acquiring more knowledge and building a “spiritual ego” that doesn’t support our inner development at all. Better to begin applying methods and practices right away and evaluate the results as you progress.
In my view the idea of being a good person breeds weakness and perpetuates mediocrity. The fire power of what we call negative emotions is often the fuel of greatest human achievements.
I can see your perspective. The idea, however, behind this article isn’t about negative or positive emotions but about how we perceive ourselves.
I actually never knew about this belief , I relate it more to my parenting and my kid. I never knew that shadow sides can be brought out in small simple ways. And itโs definitely eye opening how common it is to have repressed feelings and express them without even knowing youโre doing it. Although I did live by this belief unknowingly I will change my mentality to becoming a whole person. Not a good person. I definitely want to understand the feelings I repress for people I love , I genuinely thought I could have good intentions in this life but Iโm starting to understand that there is no good without bad.
I use to think that I was generally a good person, until I started reflecting on all the less than desirable things I have done to put it extremely lightly. Iโm just starting to explore my dark side trying to figure out how to turn them into attributes.
I agree, we are thought to be good, positive, kind . . . . and when we don’t we are condemned and judged, as being not “Normal” – what is normal? that’s another subject just on it’s on. Since I started to acknowledge and accept my so called defects of character, and not judge them as been; good or bad, right or wrong. I talk to them like they are real people, I treat them with respect and even go as far as to ask for “forgiveness” for hiding them away out of sight. Since doing this, I have so much more peace and I am able to be kind and loving to myself and others. I know can see past a persons “Dad” behaviours, and I see the real person, I’m then able to have empathy and smile, and know in my heart that everyone has a dark side, some of us chose to acknowledge that side and others stay trapped, but I won’t judge, because, we all have the right to choose the lives we live.
There is no such thing as a good person because every human has a “bad” side. How about good intentions? You may mean well but somehow, subconsciously, the mind goes to work and rewires the thoughts if the individual is not aware and one can be led by that unconscious instinct.
I like the idea of whole. Leading with love in the heart center i believe can help everyone ascend beyond good and bad.
The challenge is that “leading with love in the heart center” when you don’t first know your shadow isn’t really possible.
As you mentioned, the person may consciously have “good intentions” (like to be helpful), but this person is unconscious of other attitudes and thought processes that may have an entirely different agenda.
I think its absolutely necessary to reward good behavior. I remember growing up as an average maybe below average achiever. 1 time in my life I got honor roll. I was so excited because I’d always get yelled at by my dad for my poor grades. When I brought the report card home, my stepmom brought it up to my dad and his response was “thats what he should be doing”. It crushed me. When you do something good or nice, the feeling you get tells you it was the right thing to do and I think that should be reinforced early. I had to go through life doubting myself and find my own way out of it. Some aren’t so lucky.
Daniel, by your comments, it appears that you didn’t understand the message behind this article. This article is addressing our self-identity — not rewarding “good” or “bad” behavior.
However, from what you shared, the doubt you were experiencing wasn’t a consequence of not being praised (rewarded), but because you were judged and looked down upon.
In that absence of that unreasonable, critical judgment and condemnation from your parents, the need for praise would not be necessary.
Exactly what Iโve been searching for but, Good lord, where do I begin!?!
The beginning, Suzanne, is to start to pay closer attention to your attitudes, emotions, inner thoughts, and behaviors.
The “good person program” runs deep within many of us. But by clear observation, we begin to notice the “darker” aspects of our personality. This is the first step. See my free ebook, “The Shadow,” for more instructions.
So you’re saying a completely sterile environment would create a better outcome? No positivity or negativity? No one would know right from wrong.
That’s not at all what I’m saying.
We mainly learn by observing the behavior of others and by clear, level-headed (neutral) communication.
Both praise and punishment lead to mental disorders. Both approaches are forms of manipulation that do not (in ANY way) support healthy psychological development.
Iโve accepted that jealousy and envy sometimes take the driverโs seat. I feel strongly that if I have faith thereโs more good (maybe just even slightly more) than evil in all of us and that every human, no matter how psychopathic and numb theyโve become to themselves and to the suffering of others, is still capable of self sacrifice when the conditions require it, then we will continue as a species. Secular faith above all is needed to hold things together on this earth and we all display this faith, even the atheists among us, despite all our sun, thereโs humanity thatโs like a glue.
In my understanding and experience, it isn’t faith of any kind that is required.
Instead, what’s needed is calling upon the courage and strength within one’s heart (where the Spirit is accessed).
Any notion of “good” overcoming “evil” is a remnant of our past conditioning (one might call it “religious programming”). It’s an example of our divided minds and it leads to one-sidedness — the source of our suffering. That is, it doesn’t support our movement toward wholeness.
Yea, thereโs definitely courage and strength that comes into it, in situations where one stands up to the norm for example. Rosa Parks, In thinking of. When she refused to sit in the back of the bus for coloured people, I wonder if there was this faith in not god perhaps, but humanity. I often feel a reassurance that people respond to emotion and not words and there is a moral compass within all that is independent of societal conditioning based around preserving life and this is how weโve endured as a species. So maybe itโs not good or evil but weโre talking about life and death and yes, I realise creativity and destruction are a cycle too and one doesnโt overcome the other but seems to me on the โcircle of lifeโ thereโs slightly more room given to life, like it takes up more than 180 degrees of the circle.
Well maybe Iโm wrong… just as our subconscious is unknown and makes up 98% of our psyche as I read on your guides somewhere, thereโs dark matter in the universe that may be pure death that we donโt see…
I think I am a bad person because I try so hard to be good and it usually backfires
If you think you only have good intentions, you will invariably do great harm to others.
But, identifying with being a “bad person” is just as problematic as identifying yourself as a “good person.”
We are each capable of everything.
How do you follow up your “shadow work” success /progress ?
I don’t understand your question.
I think you are amazing.Thank you for all the incredible ? stuff. ?
You’re welcome, Navae. And thank you for the compliment.
We must stop calling our beloved dogs good boys and good girls!
We call our dogs “good boys” and “good girls” mainly because we project a part of ourselves onto our pets.
The freedom to not โ give a damnโ, to enjoy my own world, devoid of need – people, things, acceptance, the Herd, attention, affection.
To stop and reflect I CaN SiMpLy BE Me.
Interesting thoughts. I can not believe one glove fits all. I believe there is a shadow and we need it to survive. I remember not making eye contact a couple years ago, and it was unintentional, it appeared the person thought I did not like him. Since then I find if I make eye contact for a whole conversation it seems to intimidate the person, so I constantly avoid eye contact for more than a few seconds. Unless I need to show strength (dealing with a toxic person). Being obedient is more along the lines of what I am today, but it’s still difficult to know when or who to be good around, at times I feel provoked and I have had arguments, I have since found there are other ways to deal with toxic people other than arguments, after the arguments I feel shame, but after a (unsure what you call it) non verbal confrontation feeling, I feel good, but still conscious of others well-being.
I believe the shadow is not entirely what is written about it, some truth but as a Christian I am still experimenting with what is correct and what is not.
Your comments suggest that you didn’t understand the message here. It’s not about what you do (e.g. eye contact vs not making eye contact).
It’s about one’s self-identity. Those who fundamentally believe they are a “good person” do not see their shadow.
It’s that simple …
I disagree, perhaps I do not understand or each of us is identifying the shadow as something else. I do not agree with your article.
It’s understandable, Dathi. Many individuals have a difficult time coming to terms with their shadow — especially those with a religious background.
It’s quite possible that you’re not ready for this type of information yet.
So true, often I would find myself doing something and thinking oh Iโm such a terrible person for doing that, but Iโm not. Iโm releasing my emotions and should look at it that way. Not a good or a terrible person, just a person experiencing life. Do no harm but take no crap.
Being too good has harmed me in the long run. I want to own all of my shadow.
Someone called me cool for some reason and it irritated me!
This piece is a blessing to me right now as it opens the doors to all my doubts and believes.
Thank you.
I much appreciate the work that goes into this, just recently finding your work has been great. many aspects of my whole self are unconscious, but I have had little moments where I see, then forget some of these motivations, these are great questions to bring more awareness to these disown aspects of me.
I am beginning to realize that my male submissive urges and fantasies were not mortal sins as I was taught but merely a sexual orientation. Many thanks for your article.
I’m uncertain what your comment has to do with this article, Yazdi. But submissiveness is generally a sign that you’re stuck in what’s called a possessive shadow — sometimes referred to as the Masochist or the Weakling. It’s generally a sign that you’re repressing aggression or some other kind of strong emotion that you haven’t brought to the surface yet. But yes, the “mortal sin” concept is an unfortunate program/concept from religion that causes people much confusion and unnecessary suffering.
When I read your words : โ If you werenโt praised as a child, this belief wouldnโt even be in your mental model and this discussion would be meaningless.โ it didnโt resonate with me because I was never praised as a child or teen, but I remember feeling envy toward another girl and I would repress it consciously and a certain though would pop up into my mind, from time to time, especially when I could’ve taken a leading position in my group of friends ( I remember this happening at 7-8 years old) saying โI have to be goodโ. I remember that later, toward my adolescence the moral values I have learned in school and from my English novels kept me from negative feelings, thinking how bad it is to have them. Interestingly enough, a few years ago an experienced masseur touched me on a certain point on my right calf and very surprised he said โYou donโt hate anybody! โ LOL
Virtually everyone was praised during childhood. It’s almost impossible not to be praised and it’s baked into so many of our language and ways people approach things. The subtleties of this praise, however, can vary. And in most cases, a person isn’t aware that it’s happening.
I’m not sure I have suppressed hatred in my shadow, but I certainly have a shadow and would like to bring it to the light. I was a spoilt brat as a kid and my parents were fairly powerless to correct me. I had a lot of anger and frustration but don’t understand why. My mother was needy and smothered me, which made for resentment and guilt as she drove me crazy. The dark side of me is more around feeling powerless, insecure (I have been bullied as a result of this aura), unworthy of success, scared to take risks, and so on. This has had a really negative effect on my life and it would help if I could understand where it comes from!
I’ve been dealing this just recently and you are giving me too much insights for my growth. I couldn’t thank you enough, Scott! You truly are amazing.
With this*
You’re welcome, Hecate.
This article is very enlightening. I have been working on my shadow-self and writing down the things I see now that I have studied how to see it. This has helped me add a deeper level of tuning in to my dark side. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Jenny.
This is a great article and I appreciate all of your information on shadow work. I do have a question though, every resource I find on shadow work explains on what the shadow is and how to identify the shadow behaviors but I cannot find a resource that actually provides advice on how to overcome or integrate them.
I have identified my shadow issues over a year ago and I am still battling them, meaning I accept them but they are still controlling me. Itโs gotten to the point where itโs really impacting my life in every capacity and I donโt know what to do. Therapy is not an option, Iโve tried numerous times and no one has been of any real help
First, if you’re holding it as “shadow issues,” most likely there’s a misunderstanding. Identifying aspects of your shadow is an ongoing process as a function of becoming more conscious of your triggers. They aren’t “issues” as much as they are internal conflicts between how you view yourself and how you actually are.
Second, the integration process is about accepting back those parts of yourself that you have rejected and denied up until now. That is, through each internal confrontation with your shadow you begin to see that you’re not the way you thought you were (your ego’s “self-identity”), and as such, you begin to see yourself differently.
As this occurs, you begin to have fewer emotional reactions toward others and less judgment. There are obviously more subtleties of this process, but they are outside the scope of what can be covered here.
Thanks. I donโt really have reactions towards others anymore and if I do they are almost instantly recognized it has taken a while . The issues I have remain with myself such as acting and feeling like I am a child in adults body, allowing myself to be driven by a five-year-old who wants to eat junk food all day long, I recognize it, Iโm aware of it, I donโt want to do it but I always succumb.. that is but I cannot overcome. So I guess the quality is that I am a glutton ?
It’s difficult to provide comments on this type of thing without detailed analysis and examination.
Most often, when a regressive, younger part is in the driver’s seat, there are two main reasons:
1) You’re not activating your “adult part.” That is, you’re not on your natural path or what Maslow called aborting self-actualization. This could because you’ve given away your “inner gold” and now you feel internally bankrupt.
2) You’re repressing negative emotions like depression, sadness, grief, rage, etc. This repression tends to activate the dopamine-seeking child within us (as conditioned from childhood).
Both of those scenarios resonate with me unfortunately. I do not know how to determing my true path Iโve been trying for three years and successfully and as far as depression and rage- I have them- I donโt think Iโm suppressing them but I must be.. do you offer counseling or coaching?
I don’t offer private counseling or coaching on this type of thing. I do have an online DIY program called “Self-Leadership Essentials” designed to help you get more clarity and direction. (Go to “Products” in the main menu.)
As for depression and rage, while it’s useful to come to understand the root source of these emotions, which are generally linked to childhood trauma, your overall mindset is also important.
Most people seem to believe that we’re supposed to be happy here. And when you hold that belief, it invariably creates an internal tension. The more you understand this world — what it is and how it works — the more apparent it becomes that “happiness” isn’t the goal. In fact, from my observations, pursuing happiness doesn’t bring positive mental health; it brings psychosis and more neurosis.
Instead, the goal can be more accurately be characterized as “okayness” or “neutrality.” So with something like depression — it’s not so much the depression itself, but our resistance to the depression and the belief that we’re not “supposed to be” depressed. If you can let go of that belief, you can create a new orientation toward depression that isn’t in opposition to your life experience. In doing so, less suffering is experienced. Then, the child will have less need to get activated and to pursue fleeting pleasures.
Hi. I found this article very interesting. I agree with it. I have always been a “good girl” until I wasn’t anymore. Some events have occurred in my life that I don’t even understand why I did the things I did. Please know that I didn’t physically harm anyone but my actions hurt people I care/cared about. The realization that I went dark was absolutely horrendous. I feel I am going through an awakening and this is part of what I feel is the dark night of the soul. It is painful and uncomfortable but I feel necessary to our/my soul. I am now fully aware of my actions and words and I’m ashamed of myself when I see the darkness within me. I always strived to be good, served others in the healthcare field and have been extremely depressed as a result. I will be turning 62 in August. I would welcome any information or dialogue with anyone. I thank you for the opportunity to release this.
Hi Leslie,
You’re reactions/orientation toward “going dark” highlights our conditioning to “be good.”
Those individuals who say, “Oh I could never kill someone” (for example) are the most dangerous because given the right conditions, their unconscious will simply take over and they will have no means of self-regulating the forces within them.
The pain/discomfort you’re experiencing is called an “ego confrontation.” Your self-identity is coming under examination, which is a good thing.
The problem is usually our orientation — that is, our belief that we’re “supposed to be” good all of the time instead of the reality: that we are equally capable of acts of “kindness” and “destruction” from moment to moment.
The belief that we’re supposed to be good all of the time is just that — a belief. It was a form of manipulation and conditioning by society and religion to “keep us in order.” Unfortunately, this conditioning divides our psyche, creates unnecessary tension, and leads to anxiety (mental illness).
Learning to “hold the opposites” within us is the key to moving toward wholeness/healing.
Thank you Scott for your reply. I absolutely agree with you that anyone who states they could never kill anyone is a list and not being truthful with themselves. Sometimes life puts you into situations that you may be forced to contemplate killing. The thought of doing that is horrible to me but I grew up in a violent home. My father was physically abusive and right before he had his fatal motorcycle accident, I was 17 and had those kinds of thoughts. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to act on those thoughts. Awakening and fighting the ego is a challenge. Understanding we are all capable of doing horrible things puts things into perspective and like you said lessens the degree of guilt and depression. I wish I would of incorporated this thinking while raising my son. In doing so, perhaps that might of prevented him from getting into trouble and his suffering.
Yes, one of the challenges we face is that we all invariably repeat the same cycles of trauma on those dependent on us — the same (or similar) way that it was done unto us when we were dependent.
The more you get to know yourself and do inner work, the more you can appreciate how much suffering we cause to others by repeating these same cycles on the next generation — despite our “best intentions” not to.
Thank you, Scott. I am really enjoying the material.
Sure thing, Jay.
So if I agree with this, will I be considered good?
This world is a big place for people to engage in information warfare.
Your question suggests you either didn’t read the article or you didn’t understand what it’s communicating.
This topic is not about an external value judgement based on opinions.
If my comment suggests to you that I didn’t read the article or could comprehend it, that is an external judgement that is not accurate. The Carl Jung theory of the shadow is exactly like the Tezcatlipoca, smoking mirror understanding.
This article is addressing the importance of how you relate to your self-identity.
Your comment was, “So if I agree with this, will I be considered good?”
This question highlights a very, clear indication that the primary message of this article was missed for you.
I deal with my shadow, the shadow, as I said with my heritage, and when I saw Carl Jung’s theory, I understood it. It is not easy, at least for me, to do so, especially with PTSD, but I do. But if someone else is talking to me about information on techniques, understanding and the process of dealing with my shadow. Then I want to know who they are. Some little indication at least. So I put that question out. And you could have responded in any number of ways. You chose a certain level of umbrage and judgement. And your second reply doubled down on I just didn’t understand your article. Yet had nothing to say about the smoking mirror. So there turns out to be some level of validity to my question, when you obviously are sticking to being judgmental.
Neai,
This article isn’t about any “techniques.”
The article is highlighting the common conditioning towards “being good” and identifying yourself as a “good person.” And this programming tends to make us more blind to our shadow.
Your question was, “So if I agree with this, will I be considered good?โ
This question isn’t relevant. If you would like an answer to your question, then, “No, if you agree with this, you wouldn’t be considered good.” But that’s missing the point because this isn’t about how others perceive you — it’s how we perceive ourselves.
The entire idea here is that if you’re fixated on “being good” and identifying yourself as “good” then you’re going to have a difficult time getting to know your psyche.
There was nothing judgmental about my response to you. I don’t know you, your background, or where you’re coming from. But your question did suggest that you didn’t understand the material presented here. That’s not a character judgment; it’s my assessment based on your question.
Thanks for your writings Scott.
I’m quite new to the concept of the Shadow, but I find it very interesting and it makes a lot of sense to me.
I can’t remember that I heard “being a good boy” a lot growing up, but my childhood left me a lot of insecurities and memories that I have tried to push down and forget. I find that the small amount of Shadow work I have done already helps me to let go of some of these memories, so events that earlier triggered a “bad” response due to fears of earlier memories, seems to have less influence on me.
I’m looking forward to learning more about the work to become a more whole individual, with both my lighter and darker sides, and being able to live more conscious about my unconscious self.
/Niclas
You’re welcome, Niclas. Enjoy the material.
Reading this article gave me permission to accept my heavier and darker emotions. They have been visiting a lot lately. Thank you so much for this insightful, freeing article! x
Sure thing, Tahnya.
While mankind’s greatest skill is that of self-deception, our greatest weakness is the desire to belong. And we are masters of using self-deception to enable the weakness within us. Like the woman who’s sure her cheating husband has changed his ways, just because he says so; or the zealot who blows himself up in the name of God; everyone’s life is truly a struggle between being honest with oneself, and not being alone with oneself.
If our animating energy is consciousness energy, and the thing from which free will and choice arise, and we are capable of “damaging” or depleting our energy through immorality, weakness of will and negative emotions like resentment, then are we not put into a spiritual conundrum in our quest for wholeness, whereby we inevitably do self-harm as we give breathe to the dark side of our being?
I’m not following something in your question in your second paragraph. How do you see us doing self-harm exactly? I don’t see the “spiritual conundrum” you’re referring to.
When an energy vampire feeds off another, are they consuming the same energy that makes up our souls? It seems to me that whatever it is that animates our physical bodies is able to be injured, atrophied and shed. We suffer these blows to our soul through our own immorality, succumbing to temptation, negative emotions, and others inflicting these things on us. By the time most of us are old, we have less of “us” left. And if we sleep to “recharge” our souls, it’s no wonder babies sleep most of the day, while the elderly don’t sleep nearly as much as one would think – the less soul you have to recharge, the less recharging needs to be done.
So, if this is how the soul works, and the act of looking for our darkness brings out the darkness, then wouldn’t that process be feeding the type of behaviors, emotions, etc. that do damage to our souls?
I wonder if you’re the same “Jonathan” that’s posting comments on the Good Person article. If so, I’m seeing the same problem in your thought process. You’re making these leaps in your logic that aren’t grounded.
For starters, I’m not suggesting here how the “soul” works. So you’re applying your beliefs about the soul to what’s being outlined here.
Second, you said, “the act of looking for our darkness brings out the darkness” — this is your assumption.
The darkness is there — whether you are conscious of it or not. When you are unconscious of this darkness, it damages yourself and others. When you’re conscious of it, you’re in a position to regulate it.
Individuation — and moving toward wholeness and adulthood — is about bringing to consciousness that which we aren’t conscious of. (This doesn’t mean acting it out; it means fully seeing what’s there and understanding why it’s there.)
You can’t escape that which is within you. You can only deny it and cut yourself off from it in an attempt to pretend that it isn’t there. Thinking that this denial in some way serves your soul can be considered a form of delusion.
Surely there’s a difference between the suppressed rage of a serial killer and those of the typical parent. If what we’re suppressing is describable as “rage”, then it’s hard to know what category to put people like mass shooters and terrorists. And just because we suppress some level of dislike, anger or hatred of something or someone as a child, it doesn’t follow that that level of emotion compounds, or that it doesn’t diminish with time, for that matter. As we mature (in the ways we typically think of at least), our perspective changes, and we discover and learn practical ways to deal with our problems and the emotions they bring up. So, my first reaction to your suggestion that rage is prevalent among ever day Joe’s and Jane’s, is hard to internalize. How do you reconcile this disparity?
“Surely thereโs a difference between the suppressed rage of a serial killer and those of the typical parent.”
This is one of those beliefs you’ll have the opportunity to challenge if/when you engage in inner/shadow work.
I once might have thought this was true also. But after you closely examine what sits in the darkness within you — that which has been repressed for many years — it is unlikely that you will be able to make such a statement (or hold it as valid or true).
Doesn’t the simple fact that you don’t see an epidemic of serial killer parents mean it’s true? How can they be the same but different? If I see you screaming and punching at someone, I’m going to conclude you’re angry at them. I can only know my own consciousness, so others’ behavior is all that’s available for discerning theirs. If that’s true, then there must be some qualitative difference between a mother and a killer.
Also, how do you know that the examination of what’s repressed within us doesn’t create the darkness, or a perception of it, within us? If humans are lacking in the type of self-reflection that gets us some clarity on such extreme emotions as those of a murderer, then perhaps our ability to look inward warps what we see, like looking up while under water. Is this a question that gets answered upon examination?
Your questions don’t make any sense to me.
Suppressed rage is suppressed rage.
After doing enough shadow work, you learn to be cautious around who thinks they are incapable (or “would never”) commit murder. (This, of course, makes up the majority.) These individuals are the ones who can’t regulate their rage — if/when the right conditions present themselves to commit murder.
After doing enough shadow work, you become quite conscious of the killer within yourself — even though it’s not “civilized” to see yourself that way.
Also, to clarify for others who may read this thread, I never said that “serial killers” kill due to repressed rage. This was an assumption of the commenter.
I assumed the commenter meant someone who commits murder. And I responded under that assumption
A serial killer likely has different motivations since they kill in a premeditative manner. But this article isn’t related to this topic.
Choosing to be a good a person doesn’t mean that we don’t have the right to feel things that we want to feel… Especially the negative ones, its natural because we are only humans… Also not entertaining negative thoughts doesn’t mean that we are ignoring them or settinh them aside, its just that we are aware that entertaining those thoughts won’t do any good to us but will only consume us.
Based on your comments, it sounds like you didn’t understand the message of this article. It’s about knowing your shadow. If you could simply “choose to be a good a person” the assumption would be that you’re fully conscious of your shadow. Almost never is this the case.
So the message being communicated here is about not identifying yourself as “good” (or “bad”). Because once you do, you will surely delude yourself and miss a lot of internal information (unconscious material).
How would you respond to a Hylomorphist, Platonistic, or other virtue ethic that equates goodness and wholeness?
Philosophy is of the intellectual mind. It’s easy to draw parallels and make connections with philosophic theory and by creating intellectualizations. It’s significantly more difficult to test these ideas out within your own experience in the practical world and examine the hidden attitudes, thoughts, and feelings that lie below the surface to see if they hold true.
Equating goodness and wholeness is an error.
But again, this article is not about goodness as such. It’s about one’s self-identity. The point of the article is that if you identify yourself as “good” you are more likely to miss many aspects of your shadow (that are entirely “not good”).
This doesn’t suggest one should not strive for virtues like compassion, kindness, justice, etc. It’s simply important to know where you’re at without deluding yourself into thinking that you’re something that you’re not.
Many thanks for this. I am a student of A Course in Miracles. I donโt know if you are familiar with the text (Elkhart Tolle is also a follower). If you are familiar with it I would be interested to know how you see this fitting in with that belief system.
Yes, Gina. I’m very familiar with ACIM. I too studied it for many years. However, I have since researched it more closely — including how it came into existence (not the story about Helen that’s told publicly.) And for what it’s worth, I highly recommend that people avoid ACIM. Despite how it might make you feel, ACIM is yet another new age protocol designed to fill your mind with falsehoods. It does NOT support your growth and development.
Hi. Great article you have made Scott
My age is 45 and because I currently am singel and both my parents are dead, I have got low-treshold-help from a psycholog. I have been going through a program about self-awarnesss, selfinsight, limits,self-assertion and so on. In a way similar stuff that this article is about, but not identical
One of my challenges is that I feel and know (yes, right word) that many persons avoid my glance. They wont have eye-contact with me. My thought is that is have to be something wrong with me, maybe I look dangerous, maybe its uncomfortable to look in my eyes. This is clearly when its more than two persons in the environment, f.ex when I try to enable eye-contact with a person straight on the other side of the table. Her/his glance mostly goes to the persons beside me(left/right) and passes contact with me. But when its a conversation just between me and another person, eye-contact is not a problem, and its only one reason: the other person is “forced” to have eye-contact. Not just a feeling, its fact
The last days I have got a theory that beeing a (too) good person and unconfidentness is the receipt of beeing unattracted
To a certain extent, a persons personality is created by things that she/he wont do. When I talk to other persons (more than one person) its important for me to include everyone, so nobody feels excluded. I dont select only one or two persons to have eye-contact with
Yes, I have darker sides, such as lazyness and now and then its messy in my home. Im a sensitive person and tries to be nice to everyone. My mother praised me, my father was not mean, but he was not much engaged about learning me f.ex social skills or other
properties. The later years i have tried to learn to say no helping other persons with practical work, and not chasing my friends. It has partially worked, but some friends have reacted negative
I have problems finding dark sides within me that affect other persons, that hurt other persons
Hi Kjell-รyvind,
While it can be useful to get to know aspects of your shadow in relation to other people’s reactions, the most important thing is to develop self-honesty of your innermost thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Ultimately, this is between you and you; not between you and “them.”
Most often, when someone identifies themselves as a “sensitive person,” it’s a sign that they have a lot of aggression built up inside of them. This happens when the parent doesn’t know how to handle the emotions of the child and so the child gets manipulated (praised) into being sensitive and “kind to others.” The challenge is that this sensitivity is an act. It’s not genuine. It’s an illusion keeping you from seeing the emotional energy that lies below the surface.
We all have this kind of emotional energy within us, but those of us who were not allowed to express it growing up (even when it was appropriate) learned to push it down. And what we push down grows stronger within us.
Thank you for the wonderful articles.
You’re welcome, Ingrid.
This is so true Scott this ‘good person’ syndrome was ingrain within us since early childhood and as an adult we still seek that approval from others to make us feel complete. Instead deep within I want to be a whole person and not let others opinions define Me-my-self-I
Yes, Erica. And the wild thing is that to become a true adult actually means we’ve moved beyond this unhealthy need for approval. In that way, as developmental research confirms, very few of us ever reach mature adulthood. This illustrates just how powerful these kinds of psychic programmings really are.
In terms of NOT being a good person, I got an interesting
Subject line today saying: ” Good bye Angels, welcome Witchcraft! ” which reminded me of one of my favorite
Quotes “Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls go everywhere”
One thing is for sure… I had much more fun when I was a
bad girl, compared to trying to do the right thing, which no-
one seems to notice, or appreciate!
Alana,
Based on your comments, it appears that you didn’t understand what was being communicated here. This article isn’t about “being good” or “being bad”. It’s about what happens when we perceive ourselves as “good,” and how it causes us to remain unconscious to our shadow.
Oh my God! Most I know โwant to be a saint!โ
First know your human!
The church/ religion has messed up minds for centuries!
Anne
Indeed they have, Anne. Sadly, by intentional design …
I have always tryed to be A good person,but have also known I have A darker side,very impatient,built up anger,suffered from social anxiety and depression,hold on to negitve thought’s,revenge and also hate family members at times! One thing growing up with 4 brother’s and a sister the oldest, unfortunately was diagnosed with epilepsy when she was 12, so growing up Fighting was very frowned upon in my household as my parents no all to well what a bang to the head can do! I’m just trying to find myself,whole, shadow and all, THANKS.
Sure thing, Simon.
The main thing is to understand the difference between the intention of “doing good” versus what happens when we identify ourselves “as good.”
Staying present with your darker side is what helps keep it from manifesting in the outer world.
Thank you for these great discussion emails, they seem to come with perfect synchronicity. I save all of them they really make a difference. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Janet. Thank you for the comment.
Thank you for your article. After reading it, a question came to me.
I understand that i have a dark side inside me and i have to accept it. But how do i do it ?
For exemple, someone is pushes me to the limit to get on my nerves. I have, inside me, a strong desire to punch him violently.
Does accepting my dark side mean punch him ? Or is it just be aware that i want to punch him, accept it and don’t see it as something bad but choose something that will end better.
I thank you in advance for your answer.
Hey Thomas,
It’s such a releasing experience expressing anger in a healthy way.
I allowed myself the freedom to experience this personally 4 years ago for the first time in my 50 years of existence.
It was incredible..๐๐ป
After 3 months of continual cursing and swearing, slamming every cupboard and door in the house, destroying and torching any tangible and burnable memory.. The first bonfire ceremony was such a rush of releasing this evil energy. I could almost see it leaving the premises. It was quite the magical experience. So much so I did another with what remained.. Would ya believe some passerby called the fire brigade..3 units rocked up ๐คฃ๐ฑ..(at least I got the first one in ๐).
Expression of anger is a righteous thing and a healthy habit to embrace. And everyone’s right to express.
The key is.. Awareness of thoughts and body language, honesty with the Self and respecting that.. not suppressing it, how we use our words, when to walk away, when to approach..
It’s quite the learning curve, but so liberating in its practice.
Consistency and perseverance ๐
Thank you for your message :).
How do you express it in a healthy way ?
By getting that energy out of my body physically on inanimate objects.
Being conscious of my thoughts and actions in the moment and allowing my shadow self to safely express this suppressed triggered emotion.
For me, that is a healthy way to express really pent up anger.
Your messages and references are relentless, nearly overwhelming. However, I find them highly significant and irresistible.
Still coming to grips with posture and “standing like a tree”. The Methods course could take years to master. (The skills required seem identical to those for Chaos Magical practice)
I’ve grappled with my shadow since day one ( don’t we all?)
Came from a broken home, struggled with addiction for decades, survived with the help of a famous anonymous program (NA), moved on after 10 years or so ( still “clean”) and made it to 67 yrs. so far. Well familiar with the machinations of my shadow, yet I’ve failed to properly incorporate. Is there still hope of doing so?
Certainly there’s still hope, Mark.
If you’re conscious of aspects of your shadow but you’re still not seeing any forward progress, most likely, you would benefit from Centering exercises. You want to be able to access your Internal Observer so you can better regulate prior habits and tendencies.
It’s also important that you move toward acceptance instead of coming from an orientation of resistance. Resistance stalls progress. (“I shouldn’t be this way.”) From the neutral position of the Center, you can begin to see what’s unfolding without negative commentary or self-criticism.
Thanks for responding, I (we) will focus on centering for now until achievement of tangible results moves onward to functional consistency. This will take a while, consistency is something new for me.
You have expressed this truth so succinctly. The indoctrination we are born into, rooted from fear… How deceived we are๐
As a child, when I did something that pleased my parents I was ยซย a good girlย ยป, when I did something that pleased me I was a ยซย bad girlย ยป.
Being good is like being in constant fear of being caught out.
I agree wholeness is healthy, which is much aided by kindly acknowledging & accepting all hidden, often unwanted parts of yourself.
Sometimes I feel like being cruel and destructive towards those that have upset me as a way of releasing trapped energy, but then thoughts come to my mind that I shouldnt want or have them thoughts to treat people like that be nice to those who harm you and try and understand them. My brother on the other hand has no issues with being cruel to people yet everyone is scared of him and don’t want any trouble.
Does being female or male play a part in how we treat people?
So the main problem you seem to be having in what you describe is found in this statement:
“thoughts come to my mind that I shouldn’t want or have these thoughts to treat people like that be nice”
You’re catching the negative impulse and you’re regulating it. That’s what we want to be doing. The challenge you’re running into is that you’re judging yourself for having those natural thoughts and impulses. This is what’s causing unnecessary suffering and repression. This is usually there as a function of religious and/or parental programming.
“Does being female or male play a part in how we treat people?”
There are all sorts of problematic things about the way you have phrased this question.
Love your work Scott! I feel “hatred” is such a strong word in my adulthood. When I was a kid I voiced it over and over how much I “hated” my mother. This hatred turned itself on ME! I was consumed with this hatred and wound up trying to destroy myself. As an adult, I see it more like “despising’ her. Her actions and inability to cope with her life was deplorable to me. Hatred is REAL I don’t deny it. I have learned to I guess you could say…”soften” it so it doesn’t consume me any more.
Yes, Trisha, hatred is a strong word. But that’s doesn’t make it the “wrong word.”
In the example you gave, you were conscious of the feeling of hatred/animosity. What I discussed above is unconscious hatred.
One of the basic tenets of inner work is that which we resist grows stronger.
By changing the word from hate to despise, you may have lessened the emotional intensity, but you were already conscious of the feeling. Learning various ways of regulating these emotions (as you illustrated) is important once you become conscious of what you’re feeling.
But in the context of what you shared, it might be useful to consider that you were actually holding your mother’s sentiment/emotion that she wasn’t containing within herself. More often than not, this turns about to be the case in relation to our childhood feelings toward our parents.
You are right…it doesn’t make it the “wrong” word because I had been “feeling” it towards her for a very long time and it only got worse. Not sure what you mean when you wrote…” it might be useful to consider that you were actually holding your motherโs sentiment/emotion that she wasnโt containing within herself.
“I had been โfeelingโ it towards her for a very long time and it only got worse”
Yes, that’s what I would have suspected based on our initial comments.
To clarify my other statement, you wrote, “Her actions and inability to cope with her life was deplorable to me.”
You see, as a child, it’s unlikely that you feel hatred toward your mother for being unable to cope with life. You wouldn’t find that deplorable. More likely you would feel sad for your mother, but this would not evoke hatred.
But you felt hatred — and as you described it, this hatred has circulated within you for years. This is a sign that the hatred is not yours — that you are “holding it” for someone else. (This topic is a bit too deep for a comment section on a website, but essentially, as children, we’re psychic containers for our parent’s unexpressed and unrecognized emotions.)
From a shadow perspective, if you hated someone for being unable to cope, it would be a clear sign of your own shadow (that is, your inability to cope that you haven’t recognized). And while this is likely something worth examining for yourself, if you’ve had this emotion from a young age, it’s still likely not your original sentiment.
Wow! Scott i keep re reading what you wrote and it is starting to make more sense. As a child, yes…I was unable to cope with all the responsibilities I had with my 5 other siblings because she was not capable to do so. Thank you so much for offering your insight and I agree… this is too deep for a comment box. I had some really deep integration work done some years ago where I successfully worked through the hatred and forgave her. She has passed on now for years. Do you have any works regarding this kind of deep understanding?
I don’t have any written work on this topic.
I am so glad you are telling people this. All the goodie-goodie people i know do so much evil pretending to do good. I once told my class of adult women that “i dont want to be a good man.” (they gasped) “I dont want to be a bad man.” (they relaxed) “I want to be a real man.” Their thrill was palpable. I told my Christian brother and his wife this. They were totally against the idea. They were devoted to being good. Their Christian Paster son was never given a visa to proselytize on the island of figi even though he was trying to modernize the natives. Fascinating that the government of Figi knew about alleged do gooders. Heck, look at all the good our Euroamerican ancestors did by genocide and slavery.
Indeed, Morgan. So much evil is done under the guise of god or “good intentions.” And this has been the case throughout history …
Is wanting to be forgiving (often without acceptance and healing) also a good person symptom?
In some Forgiveness lectures or articles I have seen the advice of praying for people who wronged us. Even in Gratitude lessons I have come across teachers asking to be grateful people who wronged us
Wanting to be forgiving is not an attribute of trying to be a good person. It doesn’t serve you to hold a grudge and circulate hatred or animosity within yourself towards another person.
But I will offer my perspective on the advice you were given:
Not only do I think this is horrible advice, I think it’s actually harmful to you and potentially the other person. This advice suggests a complete absence of understanding of how the psyche works. I understand the sentiment behind this suggestion, but my guess is that your intuition is asking this question because you sense that something is wrong with it.
Praying for someone that you have animosity towards is akin to wishing harm on another (it’s an unconscious form of black magic, in my opinion).
Forgiveness (in my understanding) is not about the other person. It’s about you being able to come to terms with what happened and then letting go to the best of your ability.
Thank you Scott.
I have stopped “trying to forgive” people, but it has been decades of programming that I am not nice if I do not forgive.
I guess I am making forgiveness synonymous with pardon even if I cognitively know it isn’t. When ranting with a friend I remember her asking me to become the bigger person by forgiving one whom I was venting out about.
It is still difficult to understand “Forgiveness is not about the other person”. I have heard this before.
But thank you for replying, this might take some time to understand.
Another thing that often helps with forgiveness is to remember that we’re all more alike than we are different. So if you can think of a time when you’ve done to someone else what was done to you, this can help lead to understanding. The more you know your shadow, the easier this is to do. (And if you can’t think of a time, think of the conditions necessary where you might do something similar.)
I have been able to do that over the years.
My difficulty is with experiences where the same people hurting over and over and not finding anything wrong with their actions. The only option left was cutting them off.
I am working through these.
Thank you for you reply.
There are certainly cases where cutting people off is appropriate and necessary (despite what some people will tell you). There’s a difference between someone making a mistake and someone being repeatedly abusive.
I’ve always been aware of my dark side. As child I called it “the beast”. For a long time I though it was not part of me and something haunted me. Over time I came to realize it is me and part of me. I never thought about shadow work but have come to like my beast as you’d call the shadow, darkness and all. So many interesting things to explore in my shadow and so much to feel. The most common negative emotion I’ve found is fear.
Beasts, monsters, dragons, dark wolves — we use these images to describe what lurks in the shadow.
The key thing to keep in mind is that these beasts grow stronger when we deny or cut ourselves off from them. And they become less powerful when we observe them through the lens of neutrality.
I’m trying to dig out this shadow but I seem to be all shadow and nothing good I guess? I don’t know, I hate everyone at this point and I can admit that, but where does that leave me?
This article is about self-identity — not about how you feel.
If you hate everyone that likely includes hating yourself. So that would be a starting point.
Then, inner work is beneficial to bring material from the past into consciousness and potentially heal it (or simply come to acceptance of how things are).
This process requires various methods applied with consistency and attention.
I will say, that despite our collective bias towards positivity (that actually reinforces negativity), a more function direction is toward okayness. Primarily, okayness within yourself. And this okayness can only arise when approaches their Center (“at-homeness”).
Awesome read and great thought provoking.
excellent article–I’ve shared it with several people and got good reactions from them.
Well done Scott.
I remember back in January 2009, at the age of 19 I converted to Christianity. On the surface it seems beautiful with all the “God loves you” stuff, but it is one of the prime arches for programming you into forcing yourself to be a “good” person.
Lets just say I’m happy to be agnostic again… and instead of trying to get to know the UNKNOWABLE God… I’m getting to know myself.
Great article!
I recently started therapy and I have you to thank for that.
Honestly, one of the best choices Iโve made this year was to find you and sign up for your newsletter. This article was really informative and made me take a step back and look at myself.
I really do try and be nice but I found it to be a performance when Iโm out of my home for too long. The more people I interact with the more I force the niceness because I know who these people are and how they truly feel when I read between the lines during our conversations.
I only recently started seeing myself in others and why I am so triggered when they do something that irritates me.
Thank you for these great articles Scott.
You’re welcome, Elle.
But just to clarify for you and anyone else reading this: I never advocated therapy in this or any of my articles or guides.
Loving what I am reading. Very timely! Reading the above brings clarity to my understanding which was incomplete. I have repress emotions and yes, have had anxiety and depression. Learning about the shadow that we have, helps me understand more about others. Lets me feel my ‘bad’ emotions which I have supressed. I supressed emotions to keep myself safe from the anger of others. I love learning about my shadow. A little at a time is easier for me to absorb.
This article comes at a crucial time for me. The idea of the shadow-self and integrating it into my conscious self is an emerging area for me – this article emailed to me at this time and my reading thru this article at this difficult time for me is a confirmation of what Iโve been reading over the last week. How ironic that todayโs email should reveal this very same topic!! I am excited at what my journey will be and where it is leading me.
Very well said. Lots of valuable questions to inquire within about! Maybe we could just be without either label! The duality of good bad separates us in every way and encourages judgment. Thank you for sharing!
I don’t know how to comment on this but I’ve always been praised but lived up in a drug abscessed house, believe me it’s a hard life to lead always getting threatened to be gunned down, jumped ect ect.
And when ever I acted up my mother always yelled at me, so I grew up a “good boy”, but on the inside I wanted to just tell her to shut the hell up, but I didn’t, now I can’t feel my emotions, well I can, but not on the same level as everyone else I know. I’ve been exploring my darkside time to time, and I only just now notice how much anger I’ve built up, it’s enough to make me want to harm someone no multiple people. so the point is… Is to just let your emotions run rather then bottle them up and let them be released all at once and maybe kill 1 or more people.
I understand what you’re expressing.
In many cases, when you tap into that reservoir of rage, you can feel out of control.
The key is to learn how to contain and release this energy in a manner where you don’t harm yourself or others.
For men, in particular, using something like exercise or punching a heavy sandbag (with proper instruction so you don’t injure yourself) can be useful.
While this doesn’t solve the underlying issue, it can be helpful to “release” some of this pent-up rage.
Trauma release exercises (TRE) can be useful as well. (You can find demonstration videos on Youtube.)
Ultimately, you will want to go deeper and learn how to regulate these intense emotions:
https://scottjeffrey.com/repressed-emotions/
I can see the patterns of how we are praised to act a certain way, as a form of goodness, in society.
But I understand the idea to be whole as in understanding, as good isn’t always good for yourself or others, in its greater depth.
Love your practical approach and easy-to-understand communicative style!
Thank you for the feedback!
I’m not sure if my comment is ironic given the topic but I truly love and appreciate your work Scott. I discovered it by chance a few days ago and can’t stop reading. Thank you.
It’s not ironic, Steven. Feedback is different than praise. Thank you for the feedback.
Humans are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. As such, we inhabit bodies that evolved over time on Earth from the animal kingdom. Hence, we have instincts. Our natural instincts are entirely good, but we are programmed and conditioned to repress them. Like you pointed out, our teachers and parents shame and guilt us for expressing anger, hatred, frustration, etc. This creates the shadow. At our core is our Soul or Self, which is entirely good. One needs to develop a realistic but overall positive self image based upon the whole Self. To realize the Self and actualize it, one must face and release the blocks and wounds and issue of the shadow. This takes decades of inner work. Once a person has worked through and released the repressed feelings, emotions, and instincts, the Self and its spiritual energies begin to heal the Being and make one whole. The Self and self image change with Self Realization and a person if gifted with stable self esteem and self image, which are entirely positive. People need to stop looking at their shadow as if it is a negative thing. The reason it feels negative is because it is repressed and rejected and lives in the dungeon of the unconscious.
I partly agree with you, Robert. But there’s A LOT more to it than that. Repressed negative feelings are an integral aspect of the shadow, but they are by no means their entirety. So while your description sounds nice, it will not help you get to know or integrate your shadow. For example, if you think your personality is inherently “good,” you’ll most definitely stay blind to your shadow. And I personally would be wary of anyone spouting that old new age dictum: “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Re the unconscious:
Quote from R.C. Tallis’ ‘Buring Freud’, Lancet 1996, Vol. 347, p. 671:
“When Freudians talk about the unconscious, they are often simply talking about things of which we are conscious but are not yet conscious of reflexively.(1) In accordance with their own theories, they should not, of course, fuse these things: The unconscious is supposed to be composed of psychic elements that have been actively repressed rather than simply not yet brought into full consciousness. But this crucial notion of active repression is incoherent. As Sartre(2) pointed out, the unconscious has to know what it is that has to be repressed in order (actively) to repressed it; it has also to know that it is shameful material appropriate for repression. If, however, it knows both these things, it is difficult to understand how it can avoid being conscious of it. The only way round this difficulty would be to reduce repression to forgetfulness, and this would undermine the fundamental Freudian principle that repression is, unlike mere forgetfulness, active and targeted.”
(1): Chapman AH, Chapman-Santana M. ‘Is it possible to have an unconscious thought?’ Lancet 1994; 344: 1752-53
(2): Sartre J-P. ‘Doing and having: existential psychoanalysis’. In: Being and nothingness, translated by Barnes H. London: Methuen, 1957: 557-75.
Keep in mind that the understanding of the unconscious has evolved tremendously since Freud’s initial writings. There is very little, if any, discussion of Freud or his material on this website.
That said, there’s a lot of nonsense in the above quotation (IMO). It’s a good illustration of how intellectualism keeps people from getting to know themselves.
Yes, suppressing/controlling negative impulse may contribute the creation of the shadow, but doesnโt it also help to create conscience; that is, a sense of right vs wrong, which is the foundation of moral universalism; that is, the obligation (even if only in theory) to do unto others as we would have them do unto us, or a commitment to thinking and behavior that support the interest of all creation?
I certainly agree that one should be committed to wholeness more so than goodness, after all being good marks people out for abuse of one kind of another. This idea is so ingrained in our culture that many children perceive niceness/goodness as a disadvantage. I recall, during the experiential part of the training for my third career, a very young boy with whom I had briefly interacted, cautioning me unexpectedly: โyou know sir, nice guys finish last.โ The event was so startling that it has remained with me โ often causing me to wonder what prompted him to say it.
Also, goodness is often a strategy for appeasing others to avoid conflicts, and so on. In such cases, the more effective strategy, assertiveness, for example, is avoided, out of fear that it may trigger a negative response such as anger, violence, alienation, etc. Appeasing others, out of fear, typically leaves a sense of anger among other emotions, because we have been less than true to ourselves.
A commitment to wholeness rather than to goodness, in these instances, would compel assertiveness, which would not only leave our sense of integrity intact, but also help others by providing true/authentic rather than pleasant feedback.
“Yes, suppressing/controlling negative impulse may contribute the creation of the shadow, but doesnโt it also help to create conscience; that is, a sense of right vs wrong, which is the foundation of moral universalism; that is, the obligation (even if only in theory) to do unto others as we would have them do unto us, or a commitment to thinking and behavior that support the interest of all creation?”
Breaking this down would take a long discourse and a lot of deprogramming, but no, suppressing negative impulses by cutting them off does NOT create a conscience. The underlying assumption here is that humans are innately immoral and without the moral structure of society (and religion), humans would all be violent criminals and amoral beings. This, sadly, is the narrative we’ve been given throughout our lives.
Clear seeing suggests that the opposite is the case — in most situations. Violence is the response to repression. And amoral behavior is a learned response to observing the behavior of others (initially, our parents).
I am totally agreeing about what you are saying, and I am still learning and very new to all these ideologies. I am a mother of a 13- and 5-year-old. what or how should I not follow the good kid theory with kids. I definitely want to teach my kids to be a whole being, but I want them to be acceptably mannered in school and other social settings and have some sanity in our daily life. How that can be acheived?
It would be difficult to adequately respond to this question in a comment.
First, you can’t “teach your kids to be a whole being.” You can only reduce the damage you do to them by fostering a divide in their psyche (through your own conditioning and unconscious behavior.
(Incidentally, the public school system will arguably damage them more than anything else, which is one reason why millions of parents are opting for homeschooling.)
You have to keep in mind that children learn by observing behavior more than anything else (behavior trumps words).
Behind your question (which is quite common) is this: how can I get my kids to behave if I don’t manipulate them with praise and condition them to be “good”? The subconscious assumption is that they will naturally “act out” if they aren’t tricked and manipulated. Yet, the reality is that if they are acting out, it’s a sign of emotional repression and underlying trauma of one kind or another. Also, “behaving” in school isn’t necessarily a marker of positive mental health; it can also be a sign that they have been adequately indoctrinated by the “education system.”
So there’s no easy answer to this. The more divided you are within yourself, the more problems you’ll see manifest in your children. The more you come to wholeness within yourself, the more “okay” your children will be as their need to misbehave will naturally dissipate.
I was brought up by a narcissist and it was ingrained in me that I needed to be nothing less than perfect, so as an adult I expect so much of myself and never finding that perfection that I have self esteem issues and severe depression. So much of this article resonates with me, as far as trying to be a good person. I have a hard time letting go of my past. Many yrs ago I realized that my parents were not ready for me. I was lied to, fed false information especially about organized religion. Your article was comforting to me.. hoping this wasnโt to focused on me..if so I apologize. Iโm finding what you send me eye opening.
“I have a hard time letting go of my past.”
Many people get tripped up by the concept of “letting go” which is popular in the New Age movement.
The fact is that the ego doesn’t “let go.” It clings. It holds on. It clenches down.
Trying to “let go” is like trying to diet. You can force it for a little while, but eventually, your limited willpower gives way and you end up adding more weight. Trying to “let go” can very easily create internal tension and make the problems of the past persist.
An alternative to “letting go” is to just see things clearly from one’s Center. In the Center, there’s no emotionalizing or judging because you are neutral. (No ego clinging.) And so, the mind’s cycling of past events doesn’t get fed in an endless loop.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am desperately seeking personal growth. I am realizing, after losing nearly everyone and everything that I’ve lived my life with no self-awareness and no self-control. I always thought I was a good person and had no trouble finding the flaws in others, in hindsight, they were my projections. I’ve been reading quite a bit of your work but I’m still struggling to understand how to put the information into practice. If possible, I’d love some practical, dumbed down info on where to begin and how to actually merge the shadows, I recognize they are present but beyond that I’m lost. I can’t even seem to be able to meditate. Thank you again for your time.
Ang,
The personal growth field wants us to “better ourselves.” Inner work, in contrast, is more about getting to fully know ourselves.
Most of the guides provided on this website contain actionable practices and methods. (This page is not a guide; it’s an article.)
So, for example, if you examine the guide on shadow work, you’ll find many exercises you can work with. (And if you subscribe to my list on that page, you’ll receive a free ebook on the same topic.)
The same goes for the available guides on self-awareness, self-control, and projection.
Initially, when we find our way to material like this, it’s natural to just read “about it.” This is how we increase our cognition (via language) and understanding. Later, you apply the methods consistently in order to begin changing your consciousness.
All is True which you write here, but it is shallow. Nothing New for whom is self critical and honest!
I’m sure the irony of your comment eludes you.
I would not be so sure if I were you…
Hmm. If you can see the irony, Gerritsen, why would you have posted your comment in the first place?
You see, your comment wasn’t about your own self-criticalness, it was illustrating that you’re probably just a critical person. Otherwise, why criticize this article as “shallow”?
Your comment implies that the tens of thousands of people who have benefited from it are shallow too, does it not? Just look at the 460 comments above. Are these commenters “shallow” because they benefited in some way from the material presented here?
Is information “shallow” just because it’s already within your knowledge? Is it “shallow” because it’s not new to YOU?
For me Jung was deep, innovative and original. You present ideas from Jung in ร way that I find shallow. But that does not mean the people who read them are shallow. They can reach levels of insight you and I have no idea of. You seem irritated that i made a critical remark.
Not at all. Your comment was just amusing. First, this is just a brief article on a basic topic for beginners. The question of “depth” or “shallowness” isn’t relevant here.
What was amusing was that you declared yourself to be “honest” in making your comment. Someone engaged in shadow work, for example, would not do this (for they would be conscious of their tendency toward self-deception). The fact that you felt compelled to make this comment suggested something about your own shallowness (and over-criticalness). Nothing more. And when I pointed out the irony, you doubled down with “I would not be so sure if I were youโฆ”
For others reading this, you can learn a great deal about your own shadow by examining your comments in emails, texts, social media, etc. Going back over your past comments can be revealing. When someone declares, “I am an honest person,” it is a sure sign that they are engaged in self-deception. No one else would make such a declaration.
Shadow work ( sic)
Thanks for your remarks!
Really good article, it really helped me. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Georgi. Thank you for the feedback.
I was never a conventionally good person, I was sort of a shadowy person. So it has been easier for me to work on my shadow aspect. At present I can say this much.
Does this mean being an ass–hole in general?
Perhaps re-read the article? It’s not about being anything or NOT being an anything. It’s about one’s self-identity.
Genius…Carl Jung’s research and concepts along with your writing skills are extremely helpful and appreciated.
I grew up feeling bad about many things, which made recovery difficult, good seemed like it was only for a small amount of people … hard to reach … seemed easier to give in and just be bad.
Thank you for the feedback, Lizzie.
Well said and informative!
So glad I came across this article, as I googled good person quotes, as I feel so victimized all the time by people I trust, then I get used! People always tell me, youโre such a good person, youโre amazing, the only people whoโve called me a B have been in my family!! Lol so this makes sense, I take out the negativity on my family but act like a sheep to strangers! Iโm so nice that I often get used by fake friends. Three times in my life, all just years apart, Iโve introduced a guy to a friend that later went behind my back contacted him and ruined each of those relationships! Then Iโd turn into this vindictive, victimized feeling and self sabotaging behavior. Similar events keep happening! Like why does this keep happening to me when Iโm so good to people?! Reminds me of the movie โMe, Myself and Ireneโ! Youโre so nice and get used by people that eventually your dark side takes over and you just become a total ass or develop a multiple personality disorder. Thank you for writing this, Iโll try this and stop being so nice, Iโll try being a โwholeโ person!
Hannah, it’s less about “trying to stop being nice” or “trying to be a whole person.” It doesn’t work like that. Instead, it’s an ongoing process of getting to know your shadow and confronting our shadow on a daily basis.
https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/
I don’t know really what to think. I’ve gone through a whole individualisation process due to my psychotherapy ( I thought that I’d gone mad because it didn’t happen in my dreams but in reality).I met my shadow symbolized by Satan and I befriended it at one stage but let go at the next stage. I would recommend a psychotherapy then. I’ve had a psychodynamic.
I don’t think I’m a good person anymore. Once I get over being hurt I can understand the vicious behavior of others and the many reasons why. I’m aware of my shadows bottomless cupasity for destruction during the day. I’m aware of the negative emotions draining me dry. I’m going to do work on it using your advice. I couldn’t accept it was me. It feels like I’ve waited to long and I’m becoming my shadow not integrating with him. It’s the shadow process in reverse. I won’t be gone but I’ll be the one trying to come out in subtel ways..The delusion Being a good, seeing only what I wanted to, being drained by negative emotions and not being able to lie to my self to stay safe has come to a head. One question, if things go off the rails, can I live with myself.
Is your question for me or for yourself?
Thank you, Scott. I find that going even more fundamental (let’s not use the concepts of good/bad or positive/negative). Those are interpretations, concepts, not absolute things. Also, the use of the term “emotion” has become very different for me, after reading Lisa Feldman Barrett’s book “How Emotions are Made”. Emotions are not biological features that are “in there”, and can be dictated as absolutely positive and negative. Emotions are word concepts that are “descriptive” of typical human experience (all are combinations of body sensations and thoughts), and are not positive and negative. So, it helps me greatly to frame things in that way. Thank you, again. I love your work, Scott.
Thank you, Tim. Those are good distinctions about the nature of emotions.
This is great stuff written in a user friendly manner. I actually came across your work during an in depth inventory of myself and I discovered that some of my โweaknessesโ were the antithesis of what I like to believe about myself. Iโm a deep, loving, tree hugging vegetarian but Iโm also vain, shallow, prideful and yes, hateful and unforgiving (usually towards fictional characters, that b****** deserved that!) but thatโs still a part of me. Thatโs just the stuff that I cared to admit. It actually made me smile and chuckle, it feels good to be whole. Then I did some googling and found your website then as suggested, I began to observe my projections both โgoodโ and โbadโ and came to see and own that the stuff that irritated me about others was a part of myself. For myself I had to add another step to the process and write concrete examples of times that I have behaved or thought in this โotherโ way to really bring it home. I bought some recommended Robert Johnson books and Iโm looking forward to going deep with this stuff after the Christmas season and becoming a more authentic person. Thank you for illuminating the way in an easy to understand way.
Thank you for the comments, Louisa. Sounds like you’re “in the soup” too. It’s a revealing process.
Hope you’re enjoying reading Robert Johnson’s books!
As a parent and grandparent I used this thought and as a dog owner likewise!! It is so ingrained.
Practicing self observation and transfer observation I am gradually unraveling this control mechanism..,but what to do about the dog!
Regards
Frances
I can relate, Frances.
Years ago, before getting a puppy, I read many books on “how to train a dog.”
While many of the techniques worked in the short run, they ultimately created far more problems in the long run. And once this “good dog” conditioning is installed, it’s incredibly challenging (if not impossible) to remove it later on.
So it goes …