Most workplace conflicts can be avoided by applying a little more spirit and a little less ego. Humans are hard wired to be self-serving, but successful communication requires graciousness.

Life is often challenging. Most of us have inner and outer turmoil. As bestselling novelist Andy Andrews always says, we’re either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or heading for a crisis. We can call it the human dilemma.

So if you want to be a person of influence and an effective communicator, you need to focus on others instead of yourself. Is it easy? Not usually, but you can train the self-interested ego to behave, allowing the gracious self to take over. Then your relationships transform.

Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People provides expert principles to help you communicate more effectively by focusing on others instead of yourself. Here are several people-winning principles he identified:

Begin in a friendly way. Whenever possible, begin with praise and honest communication. Smile and be inviting and open instead of serious and demanding.

Give honest and sincere appreciation. How often do you offer genuine appreciation to your co-workers versus the times you criticize and condemn them?

Become genuinely interested in others. Learn to ask thoughtful questions that will show your interest in others.

Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely. Operate by the principle that you gain more influence by raising people up than by knocking them down.

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Learn to value the positive instead of hunting for the negative. It’s easy to see what’s wrong—everybody can do that. A skilled individual finds the optimistic and positive perspective.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. Remember, everyone is self-interested. Your job isn’t to change this, but to use it to your advantage in gaining influence in a benign, supportive way.

None of these principles are mind blowing or radically new. But they are rarely practiced consistently—except by the masters of influence and the leaders of change.

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Every one of us helps, advises and guides others—we are all mentors to different people at different times. But what are the keys to being an effective mentor to your team members, associates, friends and family members?

1) Be a guide, not an instructor.

An instructor tells a person what to do. A guide provides moral support, but only advises when appropriate—like when you know they are going in the wrong direction.

2) Give the mentee space.

Your role as mentor is not to keep the mentee from failing. Failure often represents the fastest avenue for growth. Your supportive presence is often all that’s required.

3) Become an active listener.

Learn to be with the mentee. Deeply listen to the emotional tone and watch body posturing and gesturing, instead of merely listening to the words. Avoid formulating a response while the mentee is explaining an issue—even if you know the answer. The mentee will be more receptive once he feels he has been heard and understood.

4) Lead by example.

You earn the respect of your mentee not by what you say or do—or even your executive rank and title—but by who you are. Your own commitment to growth will inspire a profound willingness in your mentee.

5) Let go of your narcissistic ego.

There’s simply no place for ego within the mentor’s role. Approach the mentoring role with humility and a sense of servitude to your fellow employee. Remember: It’s not about you; it’s about them.

Mentoring is a role each of us plays in supporting and uplifting the whole of our organizations and all of humanity. The more you sharpen your mentoring skills, the more effective and inspiring a leader you will be.

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