Dealing with Difficult People
Now that we see that compassion is the secret to effective communication, honest questions can arise: But what happens when we don’t care? What happens when we’re in a position where we have to interact with someone that drives us crazy? What if our compassion tank is running on empty?
Certain relationships are difficult because of interpersonal conflicts, but some people are just plain difficult.
Have Compassion for Difficult People
Nevertheless, the more we foster a sense of compassion and “caringness” within ourselves, the better equipped we’ll be in our dealings with others. Our egos secretly believe that if we withhold our compassion, we’ll be teaching difficult people a lesson. They don’t deserve our care or compassion, our egos tell us. In truth, of course, withholding compassion only hurts ourselves.
Spiritual practices, like A Course in Miracles, frame difficult people as our greatest teachers. Difficult people help highlight defects within ourselves, illuminating our shadow. According to psychiatrist Carl Jung, the shadow represents the repressed defects and instincts hidden in our unconscious mind. When someone’s actions or behavior elicit a strong emotional response within us, we get clues about our own darker side.
Learn from Your Reactions to Difficult People
Inconsiderate people can be challenging to be around. But if someone else’s inconsiderate nature produces a strong emotional charge within us—triggering negative emotions like anger—we can perform self-analysis (with humility and inner honesty): Is there a part of us that’s inconsiderate? Perhaps an aspect of ourselves that we haven’t been conscious of? If a part of ourselves wasn’t inconsiderate or ungracious, it’s unlikely that someone’s behavior would illicit a strong emotional response within us.
When our negative emotions get triggered by someone else’s actions or behaviors, we have an opportunity to forgive those qualities within ourselves. For example, when we’re upset because someone in inconsiderate or ungracious, we can forgive the part of ourselves that is inconsiderate and ungracious (even if we can’t consciously identify with it).
Difficult people offer us a tremendous opportunity for spiritual growth. Through our interactions with them, we can hone our communication skills—for if we can learn to be caring and understanding with difficult people, surely we can be caring and understanding with all people—including ourselves. Compassion for others will then become a way of being within ourselves.
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Love this one Scott! This is one of those lessons that can be easily forgotten (while your in the moment of the experience), but when rememered can provide great benefit. Saving this one to my desktop as a reminder. God Bless – Dan
Thanks, Dan. You're right: the ego is very sneaky and the shadow (like any shadow) is generally behind you, so you have to stay alert to notice its presence.
Hey Scott,
Great article. I got to thinking about this and it dawned on me that often I encounter "a difficult person" as the result of my "do-gooderism" and if I could relinquish my "do-gooderism", people wouldn't appear difficult. Any thoughts on that?
Michael
Hi Michael,
From my perspective, do-gooderism applies more to a political agenda (i.e. social reform). But a do-gooder is also naive. From this naivete, yes, you're going to have unrealistic expectations for others. Subjecting your own agenda onto someone — trying to control them — is a sure way to be surrounded by "difficult people."
Scott
I'M GRIPPING / Clutching my chairs handles with sweaty palms Jeff!
Some thing to think about or better consider … In our current work a day world, where in HR screens out difficult people, do you know it is unlikely that people such as Steve Jobs, the founders of google and many more would be screened out?
As Aristotle said, genius come with a touch of madness, so true !
Krad, it's probably true that visionaries like Steve Jobs, Larry Page, and Sergey Brin would likely be screened out by many HR departments, but not because they are difficult per se. They simply don't fit any molds and so they are unemployable, which is why perhaps they create their own empires.
What is funny, my father who was a self made WW2 vet would not reaccepted by modern medicine ( which he despited ) because he refused to dole out medicine unless it was absolutely necessary. He wasn't liked, but respected …. When he was in the Army, he wanted to kill his drill Sergeant, but when he looked back he remembered him most..
Interesting how our penny wise pound foolish culture perceives things isn't it?